DiDi's question: Hey Steve - where you been? I've missed your disturbing point of view.
Current mood: MIA
I appreciate your concern, DiDi. One of the following things has prevented me from writing my weekly blog:
A. I was abducted by aliens and am now touring the world with new age conspiracy theorist David Icke
B. After a brief flirtation with opiates, a rather tall and intrusive building jumped in front of me while I was flying home from Atlantic City. After impact I fell into the thankfully over-teased nacho cheese-colored bouffant of a Puerto Rican she-male named Marisa (pronounced Mah-reeza) who happened to be "working" at the time. Lucky me. I suffered a broken wing and a slight brain injury. After detangling myself from Marisa's hair I checked myself into rehab with Dr. Drew and will be appearing with Gary Busey on the next season of VH1's hit reality show Celebrity Rehab.
or
C. I found Jesus.
The answer will be revealed in my next blog entry . . . which may or may not be posted next week.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Question #36: Practical Solutions for Baldness
Roger's question: Hey Steve, I'm going bald. What can I do?
Current mood: puffy
Golly Roger, that sucks. But have no fear, you've come to the right place. I have a few ideas that will make your baldness a thing of the past.
1. The perfect solution: Bring one of your favourite high school photographs to your local tattoo parlour. Choose a photo of yourself that really demonstrates your peak hair experience. Have the artist tattoo your missing hair on to your scalp. This will give those casting eyes upon you the illusion that you have a full head of hair (unless your head starts to sweat thereby creating an unsightly sheen which will give you the appearance of wearing a strangely thin plastic helmet. Simple solution: carry a towel around your neck during warm weather or rigorous workouts and pat your head dry as needed.)
2. A less permanent, earth friendly and unbelievably nutritious solution: Purchase a sack of chia seeds from your local health food store. Mix 1/2 cup of chia seeds with 2 cups of warm water until a thick gelatinous paste is formed. Spread the paste on your scalp and sit in the sun for three days. In no time you'll be sporting a tidy green afro while at the same time becoming your own eco system.
3. Shoestring budget solution: Purchase some yarn and a glue gun.
4. Captain Kirk solution: Staple a beaver to your head.
Please don't staple a beaver to your head, Roger. It's mean spirited and everyone will know you're trying to hide your baldness.
Thanks for your question !
Current mood: puffy
Golly Roger, that sucks. But have no fear, you've come to the right place. I have a few ideas that will make your baldness a thing of the past.
1. The perfect solution: Bring one of your favourite high school photographs to your local tattoo parlour. Choose a photo of yourself that really demonstrates your peak hair experience. Have the artist tattoo your missing hair on to your scalp. This will give those casting eyes upon you the illusion that you have a full head of hair (unless your head starts to sweat thereby creating an unsightly sheen which will give you the appearance of wearing a strangely thin plastic helmet. Simple solution: carry a towel around your neck during warm weather or rigorous workouts and pat your head dry as needed.)
2. A less permanent, earth friendly and unbelievably nutritious solution: Purchase a sack of chia seeds from your local health food store. Mix 1/2 cup of chia seeds with 2 cups of warm water until a thick gelatinous paste is formed. Spread the paste on your scalp and sit in the sun for three days. In no time you'll be sporting a tidy green afro while at the same time becoming your own eco system.
3. Shoestring budget solution: Purchase some yarn and a glue gun.
4. Captain Kirk solution: Staple a beaver to your head.
Thanks for your question !
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Question #35: Is Steve aware that he's a prick?
DarwinGuy's question: After reading your response to my question last week I was left wondering if you know how much of a condescending prick you are?
Current mood: squishy
Yes, DarwinGuy, I come from a long line of condescending pricks. My mother, for example, is a huge prick and her mother was an even bigger prick than her.
Although I am most definitely my mother's child, it doesn't mean I don't care. To show you how much I care, DarwinGuy, I would like to make you some pancakes. I will put them in the mail tomorrow.
Current mood: squishy
Yes, DarwinGuy, I come from a long line of condescending pricks. My mother, for example, is a huge prick and her mother was an even bigger prick than her.
Although I am most definitely my mother's child, it doesn't mean I don't care. To show you how much I care, DarwinGuy, I would like to make you some pancakes. I will put them in the mail tomorrow.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Question #34: Steve's thoughts on atheism
DarwinGuy's question: Steve, what do think about atheism?
Current mood: nautical
Excellent question, DarwinGuy.
In the absence of direct experience of the transpersonal realms (ie, non physical reality), I believe atheism is the most reasonable, intelligent worldview to hold. My understanding of the atheist movement is that these typically large-brained humans are not willing to believe in divinity until they have proof of divinity. That's a lot smarter than adopting a belief system because you 'hope,' or were told, it's true.
As you may know from previous posts I've written, the role of the Raven is to serve as a tour guide, if you will, for those humans - whom you call shamans and we call Phil - who can travel at will with their consciousness from the world of physical reality to the world of non-physical reality. Because of this, the terrain of non-physical reality is quite familiar to me. However, for those of you who have never had a bona-fide experience of non-physical reality (as a kid you most likely had them frequently) it would be foolish of you to believe that it exists simply because I suggest it does. For example, if I were to tell you that right now as you're reading this post that there's a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses floating in the ethers over your right shoulder who's hitting your thick dream head repeatedly with a tennis racket, you'd probably not believe me. Am I right? All I can say is . . . maybe there's a squirrel, maybe there isn't. (There is.)
The reason why you won't know about the squirrel is because you'll only experience what you allow yourself to experience. If you tell yourself that physical reality is all there is, then that's all you'll experience. Your perceptions create (and limit) your reality.
Physical reality explanation of headache: stress
Non-physical reality explanation of headache: a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses is hitting me repeatedly over the head with a tennis racket.
This means that the danger in looking for proof of something is that the lens in which you look through may not be broad enough. It would be akin to trying to understand the group mind a school of fish demonstrates by studying their bowel movements. Finding evidence of something non-physical using the framework of physicality is impossible. Quantum physics is starting to unlock and reveal the mysterious nature of non-physical reality because the quantum lens spans beyond the physical.
However,
Spoiler alert: Quantum physics or not, for those of you looking for proof of god, you won't find it. That's because there is no god. If you're open to experiencing the wonders and mysteries of non-physical reality (available to everyone via altered states of consciousness), you're more likely to encounter a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses than you are the god of monotheistic religions. But don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself.
There you have it DarwinGuy. I hope this was helpful.
Current mood: nautical
Excellent question, DarwinGuy.
In the absence of direct experience of the transpersonal realms (ie, non physical reality), I believe atheism is the most reasonable, intelligent worldview to hold. My understanding of the atheist movement is that these typically large-brained humans are not willing to believe in divinity until they have proof of divinity. That's a lot smarter than adopting a belief system because you 'hope,' or were told, it's true.
As you may know from previous posts I've written, the role of the Raven is to serve as a tour guide, if you will, for those humans - whom you call shamans and we call Phil - who can travel at will with their consciousness from the world of physical reality to the world of non-physical reality. Because of this, the terrain of non-physical reality is quite familiar to me. However, for those of you who have never had a bona-fide experience of non-physical reality (as a kid you most likely had them frequently) it would be foolish of you to believe that it exists simply because I suggest it does. For example, if I were to tell you that right now as you're reading this post that there's a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses floating in the ethers over your right shoulder who's hitting your thick dream head repeatedly with a tennis racket, you'd probably not believe me. Am I right? All I can say is . . . maybe there's a squirrel, maybe there isn't. (There is.)
The reason why you won't know about the squirrel is because you'll only experience what you allow yourself to experience. If you tell yourself that physical reality is all there is, then that's all you'll experience. Your perceptions create (and limit) your reality.
Physical reality explanation of headache: stress
Non-physical reality explanation of headache: a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses is hitting me repeatedly over the head with a tennis racket.
This means that the danger in looking for proof of something is that the lens in which you look through may not be broad enough. It would be akin to trying to understand the group mind a school of fish demonstrates by studying their bowel movements. Finding evidence of something non-physical using the framework of physicality is impossible. Quantum physics is starting to unlock and reveal the mysterious nature of non-physical reality because the quantum lens spans beyond the physical.
However,
Spoiler alert: Quantum physics or not, for those of you looking for proof of god, you won't find it. That's because there is no god. If you're open to experiencing the wonders and mysteries of non-physical reality (available to everyone via altered states of consciousness), you're more likely to encounter a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses than you are the god of monotheistic religions. But don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself.
There you have it DarwinGuy. I hope this was helpful.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Steve Interviews Sigmund Freud
Current mood: supple
This month in Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I chat with the 'father of psychoanalysis' Sigmund Freud.
Steve the Raven: So Sigmund, you've been dead for about 70 years now. What do you miss most about being alive?
Sigmund Freud: (writes some notes on a pad) Interesting question. What makes you ask that particular question?
STR: It's the question I always start these interviews with.
SF: Tell me, what do you feel is missing from your life?
STR: I feel like my life would be complete if you answered my question.
SF: I see. How long have you been feeling this way?
STR: About 30 seconds. I'm not your patient. This is an interview.
SF: Hmmmm. (Writes down the word "denial" and underlines it). Tell me more.
STR: I did a little research before meeting with you and found out that your middle name is Schlomo. Did your parents hate you?
SF: Ah, so you feel your parents hate you?
STR: (rolls eyes)
SF: Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word 'parents.'
STR: Motherfucker.
SF: Interesting.
STR: I thought you'd like that.
SF: Please continue.
STR: Let's see. The next thought that pops into my head is: Schlomo is a motherfucker.
SF: What else?
STR: Penis . . . sausage . . . large . . . crooked . . . hung . . .
SF: Go on.
STR: Jung.
SF: (Grimaces)
STR: (Gasps) I think I realized something.
SF: Yes?
STR: Carl Jung was smarter than you.
SF: (Glaring) You're very disturbed.
STR: You seem upset. Did I upset you some how? Don't go.
SF: I'm afraid our time is up.
STR: I remind you of your mother, don't I? You want to marry me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.
SF: (floats away)
STR: (calling after Sigmund) Come back Schlomo. Come back and sit on mommy's lap.
This month in Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I chat with the 'father of psychoanalysis' Sigmund Freud.
Steve the Raven: So Sigmund, you've been dead for about 70 years now. What do you miss most about being alive?
Sigmund Freud: (writes some notes on a pad) Interesting question. What makes you ask that particular question?
STR: It's the question I always start these interviews with.
SF: Tell me, what do you feel is missing from your life?
STR: I feel like my life would be complete if you answered my question.
SF: I see. How long have you been feeling this way?
STR: About 30 seconds. I'm not your patient. This is an interview.
SF: Hmmmm. (Writes down the word "denial" and underlines it). Tell me more.
STR: I did a little research before meeting with you and found out that your middle name is Schlomo. Did your parents hate you?
SF: Ah, so you feel your parents hate you?
STR: (rolls eyes)
SF: Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word 'parents.'
STR: Motherfucker.
SF: Interesting.
STR: I thought you'd like that.
SF: Please continue.
STR: Let's see. The next thought that pops into my head is: Schlomo is a motherfucker.
SF: What else?
STR: Penis . . . sausage . . . large . . . crooked . . . hung . . .
SF: Go on.
STR: Jung.
SF: (Grimaces)
STR: (Gasps) I think I realized something.
SF: Yes?
STR: Carl Jung was smarter than you.
SF: (Glaring) You're very disturbed.
STR: You seem upset. Did I upset you some how? Don't go.
SF: I'm afraid our time is up.
STR: I remind you of your mother, don't I? You want to marry me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.
SF: (floats away)
STR: (calling after Sigmund) Come back Schlomo. Come back and sit on mommy's lap.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Question #33: Who is Steve going to be for Halloween?
Moonstruck's question: Hey Steve - Who are U going to be 4 Halloween this year?
Current mood: crusty
Current mood: crusty
James Gandolfini
How about you? Post a picture of you in your costume in the comments section below or on the Facebook Just Ask Steve fan page.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Question #32: Have aliens taken over?
Nakedeye's question: i'll get right to the point, can you tell me if the governments of the world are being run by shapeshifting reptilian aliens? my personal theory is that aliens are the cause of all the conflict and that their goal is to make us afraid and then they feed off the fear and get stronger so that they can take over the human race
Current mood: Kenyan
That's quite a question Nakedeye. My brain almost seized from the lack of punctuation.
Although I can understand the appeal of wanting to blame the world's troubles and mindboggling idiocy on an evil race of aliens, I'm afraid I can't support you on this one, SpaceMan.
The folks in charge may not be aliens, but they're certainly operating from their reptilian brains. What I believe you're witnessing and trying to come to grips with, Nakedeye, is the primitive character demonstrated by the leaders of the political, corporate and financial worlds. What I'm trying to say is that these folks aren't very highly evolved. If you strip away all the pomp and circumstance you'll find that most of their decisions are driven by barbaric desires - greed, power, status and sex.
Every thought, every feeling, every impulse you've collectively had . . . every decision, every action, every plan you've collectively made, since the beginning of time, has led the human race to where it is right now: The intersection of "Happy Meal Boulevard" and "Apathy Drive" in downtown Batshit. Population: 6.7 billion (Just south of the Mall of America).
The good news is that only 80 percent of the human race falls into the 'not very evolved' category. And I think it's safe to say that those falling into this category are most definitely not fans of Just Ask Steve. My readers are not only more evolved, but are also very intelligent and attractive.
Thanks for your question Nakedeye !
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: Kenyan
That's quite a question Nakedeye. My brain almost seized from the lack of punctuation.
Although I can understand the appeal of wanting to blame the world's troubles and mindboggling idiocy on an evil race of aliens, I'm afraid I can't support you on this one, SpaceMan.
The folks in charge may not be aliens, but they're certainly operating from their reptilian brains. What I believe you're witnessing and trying to come to grips with, Nakedeye, is the primitive character demonstrated by the leaders of the political, corporate and financial worlds. What I'm trying to say is that these folks aren't very highly evolved. If you strip away all the pomp and circumstance you'll find that most of their decisions are driven by barbaric desires - greed, power, status and sex.
Every thought, every feeling, every impulse you've collectively had . . . every decision, every action, every plan you've collectively made, since the beginning of time, has led the human race to where it is right now: The intersection of "Happy Meal Boulevard" and "Apathy Drive" in downtown Batshit. Population: 6.7 billion (Just south of the Mall of America).
The good news is that only 80 percent of the human race falls into the 'not very evolved' category. And I think it's safe to say that those falling into this category are most definitely not fans of Just Ask Steve. My readers are not only more evolved, but are also very intelligent and attractive.
Thanks for your question Nakedeye !
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Monday, October 18, 2010
Question #31: Who should I vote for?
MarteeGee's question: Hey Steve, I don't know who to vote for in the coming election. Any suggestions?
Current mood: current
I'm so glad you asked MarteeGee. Although I think voting is akin to taking a pill that can increase the size of your penis, I would like to put aside my skepticism and apolitical leanings to endorse my good friend Mookie.
Mookie Salmon
Party affiliation: Trojans
Office sought: King
Platform:
Current mood: current
I'm so glad you asked MarteeGee. Although I think voting is akin to taking a pill that can increase the size of your penis, I would like to put aside my skepticism and apolitical leanings to endorse my good friend Mookie.
Mookie Salmon
Party affiliation: Trojans
Office sought: King
Platform:
- A free box of crayons and a cannoli for every citizen
- Change the work week to Monday - Tuesday
- No more country music!
- Economy: Replace the dollar with colored paper clips
- Healthcare: Allow only really attractive people into dental school in order to make going to the dentist more pleasant; Eliminate insurance companies
- Education: Replace algebra with canoe building
Vote for Mookie
"He'll make you feel good"
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Step One: When creating a new religion start with Commandments
Current mood: inane
It seemed fitting to start my soon-to-be-named religion with some well-thought out directives. This is what I've come up with so far:
1. I am Lord of the Dance - Do not worship me, but feel free to admire my dance moves
2. Worshipping gods who have written books is frowned upon and makes you come across as dim
3. On the Seventh Day you shall eat Free Chicken Wings
4. Thou shalt not be a dick.
5. Understand this: Most people are full of shit (even you)
6. Use of the words "irregardless" and "utilize" is strictly forbidden. (Irregardless is actually not a word and utilize is a pretentious way of saying 'use')
7. Have some balls - heal yourself
8. Rather than kill, thou shalt express disappointment in, or under certain circumstances bitch slap, those you find offensive or threatening
9. Don't take stuff that's not yours (please see #4)
10. Don't give your power to anyone else. And whatever you do . . . .
11. Thou shalt not obey anyone's commandments (However, feel free to borrow from the above list of suggestions if you find the ideas appealing)
I, the Lord of The Dance, give you my 11 Suggestions for Living an Honorable Life
It seemed fitting to start my soon-to-be-named religion with some well-thought out directives. This is what I've come up with so far:
1. I am Lord of the Dance - Do not worship me, but feel free to admire my dance moves
2. Worshipping gods who have written books is frowned upon and makes you come across as dim
3. On the Seventh Day you shall eat Free Chicken Wings
4. Thou shalt not be a dick.
5. Understand this: Most people are full of shit (even you)
6. Use of the words "irregardless" and "utilize" is strictly forbidden. (Irregardless is actually not a word and utilize is a pretentious way of saying 'use')
7. Have some balls - heal yourself
8. Rather than kill, thou shalt express disappointment in, or under certain circumstances bitch slap, those you find offensive or threatening
9. Don't take stuff that's not yours (please see #4)
10. Don't give your power to anyone else. And whatever you do . . . .
11. Thou shalt not obey anyone's commandments (However, feel free to borrow from the above list of suggestions if you find the ideas appealing)
I, the Lord of The Dance, give you my 11 Suggestions for Living an Honorable Life
Monday, October 4, 2010
Steve Interviews Scooter the Clown
Current mood: Bamboozled
Steve the Raven: Seventy-four years in the circus! That’s impressive.
Scooter the Clown: Impressive, my ass. I hated the fucking circus. All those whiny snot-nosed kids screeching at me with their hateful little voices, “Do it again, Scooter. Do it again, Scooter.” And then there were the ones who’d run screaming from me, “Get the devil clown away from me. Get him away.”
STR: Yeah, I could see how 74 years of dealing with kids could get old. What do you miss most about being alive?
Scooter: Nothing.
STR: Seriously? There’s not one thing you miss?
Scooter: No, I’m glad I’m dead. Didn’t come soon enough if you ask me.
STR: Sex? Ice cream?
Scooter: You’re not going to let this go, are you? Okay, if you’re going to make me pick one thing I’d say I miss sleeping. All I knew was the circus and circus life was like prison to me.
STR: Why did you stay in the circus so long if you hated it so much?
Scooter: It might be because most businesses don’t need an expert juggler.
STR: You must have done more than just juggle?
Scooter: Sure, I also taught tiny dogs and monkeys how to juggle. Oh, and I shoveled quite a bit of shit too. That was fun.
STR: What do you say to people who find clowns frightening?
Scooter: I say ‘Fuck you.’ That’s what I say.
STR: So is being dead better? You're pretty angry for a dead clown.
Scooter: Fuck you bird. You don’t know me.
STR: I’m just saying that it seems like being away from your miserable life would lighten your mood a bit.
Scooter: Ever since I took my last breath, there’s been these annoyingly bright ghosty-types who keep comin’ around trying to get me to go with them. And I’m like, ‘Fuck you spirits.’ I think they want me to join a cult.
STR: No, I think they actually want to take you home.
Scooter: Nice try, Slick. For all I know you’re one of them. You cult-loving freak.
STR: Personally, I could care less if you stay here or not.
Scooter: Don’t fuck with me. I’ll punch you.
STR: I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking you this, but do you have any words of wisdom for the living?
Scooter: No.
STR: Brilliant.
Scooter: Nobody helped me out so why should I help them?
STR: Fair enough Scooter. Thanks for your time and don’t drink the kool-aid.
*** ONE WEEK LEFT . . . Don’t forget to cast your vote !! (see last week’s post)
In this month’s Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I interview Scooter the Clown. Scooter spent an impressive 74 years with the circus when he was alive. Much of that time was spent on the road with Bob Sprankle’s Traveling Menagerie.
Steve the Raven: Seventy-four years in the circus! That’s impressive.
Scooter the Clown: Impressive, my ass. I hated the fucking circus. All those whiny snot-nosed kids screeching at me with their hateful little voices, “Do it again, Scooter. Do it again, Scooter.” And then there were the ones who’d run screaming from me, “Get the devil clown away from me. Get him away.”
STR: Yeah, I could see how 74 years of dealing with kids could get old. What do you miss most about being alive?
Scooter: Nothing.
STR: Seriously? There’s not one thing you miss?
Scooter: No, I’m glad I’m dead. Didn’t come soon enough if you ask me.
STR: Sex? Ice cream?
Scooter: You’re not going to let this go, are you? Okay, if you’re going to make me pick one thing I’d say I miss sleeping. All I knew was the circus and circus life was like prison to me.
STR: Why did you stay in the circus so long if you hated it so much?
Scooter: It might be because most businesses don’t need an expert juggler.
STR: You must have done more than just juggle?
Scooter: Sure, I also taught tiny dogs and monkeys how to juggle. Oh, and I shoveled quite a bit of shit too. That was fun.
STR: What do you say to people who find clowns frightening?
Scooter: I say ‘Fuck you.’ That’s what I say.
STR: So is being dead better? You're pretty angry for a dead clown.
Scooter: Fuck you bird. You don’t know me.
STR: I’m just saying that it seems like being away from your miserable life would lighten your mood a bit.
Scooter: Ever since I took my last breath, there’s been these annoyingly bright ghosty-types who keep comin’ around trying to get me to go with them. And I’m like, ‘Fuck you spirits.’ I think they want me to join a cult.
STR: No, I think they actually want to take you home.
Scooter: Nice try, Slick. For all I know you’re one of them. You cult-loving freak.
STR: Personally, I could care less if you stay here or not.
Scooter: Don’t fuck with me. I’ll punch you.
STR: I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking you this, but do you have any words of wisdom for the living?
Scooter: No.
STR: Brilliant.
Scooter: Nobody helped me out so why should I help them?
STR: Fair enough Scooter. Thanks for your time and don’t drink the kool-aid.
*** ONE WEEK LEFT . . . Don’t forget to cast your vote !! (see last week’s post)
Monday, September 27, 2010
Steve the Raven's "Help Me Bring Religion into the 21st Century" Contest
Current mood: Thai
In light of all the religious fervor these days, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and create my own religion.
And I’m hoping you can help!
The foundation for any worthwhile religion is its name. It has to be something catchy, yet stirring. A flood of great names showered down on me from the heavens – so many great options that I found it virtually impossible to choose which one was best. It was overwhelming, really.
But then it hit me – how about a contest?!! Inventing a new religion should feel inclusive! So I invite all 13 of you, dear readers, to participate in the naming of my new religion.
All you have to do is review the options listed below and choose your top 3 favourites. In the comment section below or on facebook, list which names you picked in the order of your preference. The deadline for submitting your suggestions is October 9th, 2010. Have fun !
After we settle on a name, I’ll be working hard to invent the doctrines of this fine new faith and will present them in future posts.
(I attempted to create an easy-to-use poll/survey to make the voting process simpler, but it turns out that online poll programs frown upon the use of the words fuck and shit. Who knew?)
In light of all the religious fervor these days, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and create my own religion.
And I’m hoping you can help!
The foundation for any worthwhile religion is its name. It has to be something catchy, yet stirring. A flood of great names showered down on me from the heavens – so many great options that I found it virtually impossible to choose which one was best. It was overwhelming, really.
But then it hit me – how about a contest?!! Inventing a new religion should feel inclusive! So I invite all 13 of you, dear readers, to participate in the naming of my new religion.
All you have to do is review the options listed below and choose your top 3 favourites. In the comment section below or on facebook, list which names you picked in the order of your preference. The deadline for submitting your suggestions is October 9th, 2010. Have fun !
- "Better Living through Mohair"
- "Hasidic Reflux"
- "Church of the Perpetual Catfish"
- "Kingdom of the Blessed Road Kill"
- "Holy Shit"
- "Focus on the Hairy Virgin"
- "The Sacred Covenant of Fuck It"
- "Orthodox Ooze"
- "Church of the Condescending One"
- "Steve's Witnesses: Where the sheep come to be slaughtered"
After we settle on a name, I’ll be working hard to invent the doctrines of this fine new faith and will present them in future posts.
(I attempted to create an easy-to-use poll/survey to make the voting process simpler, but it turns out that online poll programs frown upon the use of the words fuck and shit. Who knew?)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Question #30: The Secret to Life
Dinaho's Question: Hey Steve, what's the secret to life?
Current mood: lime
The secret to life, my friends, is to realize that pretty much everyone is full of shit.
Once you fully accept that, life becomes kind of amusing.
Thanks for your question Dinaho !
Current mood: lime
The secret to life, my friends, is to realize that pretty much everyone is full of shit.
Once you fully accept that, life becomes kind of amusing.
Thanks for your question Dinaho !
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Question #29: How to end a bad first date
Liam's question: Dear Steve, You already gave some advice on how to have a good first date. But what if the date is going bad? Maybe you can't wait to get away from the woman you are with. Can you give us some tips on how to end a bad date?
Current mood: fluffy
Excellent question Liam ! You're absolutely right. Sometimes the chemistry between two people just doesn't work. And let's face it, there's really no reason to be a date martyr . . . sticking it out to the bitter end just to be a nice guy, all the while pretending to like the sound of her voice, choking out laughter when she makes a lame joke and not slapping her when she chews with her mouth open. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes large breasts just aren't enough.
Being that I'm a veritable good idea machine, I have just the solution:
Steve The Raven’s Helpful Guide to Gently Ending an Unsuccessful First Date (I suggest printing out a copy of this guide so that you can have it with you at all times).
Of course, you could always excuse yourself to use the restroom and then not come back. But that's the easy way out and it makes you the bad guy, which can in turn hurt your reputation. The following suggestions are designed to inspire your companion to be the one to end the date, thereby making her the bad guy while allowing you to go home feeling great about yourself.
Important instructions for using STR's Helpful Guide to Gently Ending an Unsuccessful First Date: Only use one technique at a time.
- Make plastic surgery suggestions.
- Pretend you’re a robot.
- Become suddenly catatonic.
- Talk in vivid detail about how much you enjoy masturbating.
- Projectile vomit (chugging tequila guarantees this - I saw it on YouTube)
- Talk about your mother's breasts.
- Tell her that this is the first time you've been out with a woman who doesn't have sores on her mouth.
- Show her the little comb you use to brush the crabs out of your pubic hair.
- Ask to borrow $2000.
- Pretend you're really angry. (Helpful Hint: talk through clenched teeth like Clint Eastwood)
- After dinner is served tell her about your favourite new foreign movie: The Human Centipede.
- Breathe through your mouth.
- Tell her the following knock-knock jokes laughing hysterically after each one.
Knock, knock Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready.
Knock, knock Who's there? Adolf. Adolf who? Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? I love. I love who? I don't know, you tell me!
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo, who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Easter. Easter, who? The Easter Bunny.
Knock, knock Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad you're not a human Centipede?
- Ask her if after dinner she'd do you the honour of letting you floss her teeth.
- Confess that you've been watching her for a very long time and how you don't approve of any of the men she's been spending time with.
- Ask her if after dinner you can move in with her.
Before you know it Liam, your bad dating experience will be a distant memory.
Current mood: fluffy
Excellent question Liam ! You're absolutely right. Sometimes the chemistry between two people just doesn't work. And let's face it, there's really no reason to be a date martyr . . . sticking it out to the bitter end just to be a nice guy, all the while pretending to like the sound of her voice, choking out laughter when she makes a lame joke and not slapping her when she chews with her mouth open. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes large breasts just aren't enough.
Being that I'm a veritable good idea machine, I have just the solution:
Steve The Raven’s Helpful Guide to Gently Ending an Unsuccessful First Date (I suggest printing out a copy of this guide so that you can have it with you at all times).
Of course, you could always excuse yourself to use the restroom and then not come back. But that's the easy way out and it makes you the bad guy, which can in turn hurt your reputation. The following suggestions are designed to inspire your companion to be the one to end the date, thereby making her the bad guy while allowing you to go home feeling great about yourself.
Important instructions for using STR's Helpful Guide to Gently Ending an Unsuccessful First Date: Only use one technique at a time.
- Make plastic surgery suggestions.
- Pretend you’re a robot.
- Become suddenly catatonic.
- Talk in vivid detail about how much you enjoy masturbating.
- Projectile vomit (chugging tequila guarantees this - I saw it on YouTube)
- Talk about your mother's breasts.
- Tell her that this is the first time you've been out with a woman who doesn't have sores on her mouth.
- Show her the little comb you use to brush the crabs out of your pubic hair.
- Ask to borrow $2000.
- Pretend you're really angry. (Helpful Hint: talk through clenched teeth like Clint Eastwood)
- After dinner is served tell her about your favourite new foreign movie: The Human Centipede.
- Breathe through your mouth.
- Tell her the following knock-knock jokes laughing hysterically after each one.
Knock, knock Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready.
Knock, knock Who's there? Adolf. Adolf who? Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? I love. I love who? I don't know, you tell me!
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo, who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Easter. Easter, who? The Easter Bunny.
Knock, knock Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad you're not a human Centipede?
- Ask her if after dinner she'd do you the honour of letting you floss her teeth.
- Confess that you've been watching her for a very long time and how you don't approve of any of the men she's been spending time with.
- Ask her if after dinner you can move in with her.
Before you know it Liam, your bad dating experience will be a distant memory.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Steve Interviews " The Saint of the Bereft and Offensive," Mother Marconi de Poloma
Current mood: Munchausen
In this month's Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People I landed an exclusive interview with little known "Saint of the Bereft and Offensive," Mother Marconi de Poloma.
Mother Marconi was no doubt Jesus' favourite wife, but did you also know that she's believed to be the inspiration for the "Saint of the Gutters" herself, Mother Teresa (aka Agnes "Rosebud" Bojaxhiu)?
A word of warning to former/current Catholics: The following interview will likely make you very uncomfortable - perhaps to the point of needing to bathe. Subtext: Please don't send me hate mail
STR: Mother Marconi, what do you miss most about being alive?
MM: Please, call me Francis. I think I miss leper colonies the most. Especially the smell.
STR: Fine dining for corvids !
MM: All that decay and suffering. It's the smell of love really. Beautiful rotting anguished love.
STR: . . . . . . . . . . I don't know how to respond to that. Why don't we move on to another question. I know you struggled with your faith when you were alive, what are your thoughts on Catholicism now that you're dead?
MM: I think I wasted a perfectly good vagina is what I think.
STR: Becoming a nun was a waste of time?
MM: A big hairy waste of time, my child. To think that I could've served the poor and the stricken while also having intercourse regularly really chaps my hide.
STR: Why'd you become a nun?
MM: The truth? I have no idea. I joined the Catholic church when I was very young. Very young and naive and idealistic. Well, it didn't take long to learn that power and money were worshipped at the Catholic altar. Did you ever see that big obnoxious car the pope gave me? I'll tell you what . . . that car was the nail that broke the camel's back for me.
STR: Sucks for the camel. If I remember correctly, you were accused of misusing charity money too.
MM: Listen here, Mister Know-it-all, that money was used to do Christ's work. Do you know how much it cost to feed and care for all those poor lost souls? I don't know what you've heard, but I had the gambling under control until the late eighties when my goddamn luck ran out. Until then the pope thought my knack for picking winners was worthy of canonization. Truly miraculous. No matter how hard I tried after that though I couldn't pick a winner if one came up and tapped me on the shoulder. The money was never for me, mind you - unlike some Catholics I know. I'll have you know that a lot of people benefitted from my time at the horse track. I was doing god's work until I started losing and realized there wasn't a god - that no god would let me lose at the track if he knew I was doing it to help his flock. Lord almighty, my ass.
I'll also have you know that the only money I ever spent on myself was to satisfy a very minor drug habit. Mere pennies really. I rarely paid for drugs since my dealers gave them to me for free - bless their sweet hearts. So really the amount of charity money spent on pills was minimal. And here's the bottom line - there was just no way I could live with myself eating three meals a day knowing so many were going without. Amphetamines really helped curb my appetite and my guilt. And I got so much accomplished.
STR: Wow, I didn't see that coming. Since you're being so open . . . what's the worst sin you committed while alive?
MM: I once spit sunflower seeds at a Jew. I was trying to get them in his ears. They were quite large, his ears. Like funnels really. I couldn't help myself.
STR: You're an interesting woman, Francis. Do you have any words of wisdom you'd like to share with the living?
MM: Yes, I think I do. I once said that abortion was the cause of all the disharmony in the world. I must have been tweaking very hard when I said that because it really just sounds ridiculous now. I'd like to encourage people to get abortions. Or better yet, wear a condom. For god's sake, adding more people to the world's population is not going to make it a more peaceful place. I don't know what I was thinking.
In this month's Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People I landed an exclusive interview with little known "Saint of the Bereft and Offensive," Mother Marconi de Poloma.
A word of warning to former/current Catholics: The following interview will likely make you very uncomfortable - perhaps to the point of needing to bathe. Subtext: Please don't send me hate mail
STR: Mother Marconi, what do you miss most about being alive?
MM: Please, call me Francis. I think I miss leper colonies the most. Especially the smell.
STR: Fine dining for corvids !
MM: All that decay and suffering. It's the smell of love really. Beautiful rotting anguished love.
STR: . . . . . . . . . . I don't know how to respond to that. Why don't we move on to another question. I know you struggled with your faith when you were alive, what are your thoughts on Catholicism now that you're dead?
MM: I think I wasted a perfectly good vagina is what I think.
STR: Becoming a nun was a waste of time?
MM: A big hairy waste of time, my child. To think that I could've served the poor and the stricken while also having intercourse regularly really chaps my hide.
STR: Why'd you become a nun?
MM: The truth? I have no idea. I joined the Catholic church when I was very young. Very young and naive and idealistic. Well, it didn't take long to learn that power and money were worshipped at the Catholic altar. Did you ever see that big obnoxious car the pope gave me? I'll tell you what . . . that car was the nail that broke the camel's back for me.
STR: Sucks for the camel. If I remember correctly, you were accused of misusing charity money too.
MM: Listen here, Mister Know-it-all, that money was used to do Christ's work. Do you know how much it cost to feed and care for all those poor lost souls? I don't know what you've heard, but I had the gambling under control until the late eighties when my goddamn luck ran out. Until then the pope thought my knack for picking winners was worthy of canonization. Truly miraculous. No matter how hard I tried after that though I couldn't pick a winner if one came up and tapped me on the shoulder. The money was never for me, mind you - unlike some Catholics I know. I'll have you know that a lot of people benefitted from my time at the horse track. I was doing god's work until I started losing and realized there wasn't a god - that no god would let me lose at the track if he knew I was doing it to help his flock. Lord almighty, my ass.
I'll also have you know that the only money I ever spent on myself was to satisfy a very minor drug habit. Mere pennies really. I rarely paid for drugs since my dealers gave them to me for free - bless their sweet hearts. So really the amount of charity money spent on pills was minimal. And here's the bottom line - there was just no way I could live with myself eating three meals a day knowing so many were going without. Amphetamines really helped curb my appetite and my guilt. And I got so much accomplished.
STR: Wow, I didn't see that coming. Since you're being so open . . . what's the worst sin you committed while alive?
MM: I once spit sunflower seeds at a Jew. I was trying to get them in his ears. They were quite large, his ears. Like funnels really. I couldn't help myself.
STR: You're an interesting woman, Francis. Do you have any words of wisdom you'd like to share with the living?
MM: Yes, I think I do. I once said that abortion was the cause of all the disharmony in the world. I must have been tweaking very hard when I said that because it really just sounds ridiculous now. I'd like to encourage people to get abortions. Or better yet, wear a condom. For god's sake, adding more people to the world's population is not going to make it a more peaceful place. I don't know what I was thinking.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Question #28: Overcoming Boredom
Jewel’s question: i’m bored
Current mood: spicy
My Dearest Jewel,
Although I have a difficult time understanding the concept of boredom and actually feel compelled to peck out your eyeballs for not having the imagination or motivation to take full advantage of living on this incredible planet, I think I have a solution that will most definitely add a hefty dose of adventure and fun to your life while also helping you to grow as a person: Get your neckerchief pressed Jewel because you're going to join the Cub Scouts!
I've been a Cub Scout for almost a year now and all I can say is Wow! I've never been exposed to so many beneficial, mind blowing experiences.
To give you a little taste, the following are a few of the activities you'll soon be enjoying:
Pooh Sticks In this game each Cub Scout takes a shit on a paper plate and then impales his excrement with sticks found in the back yard. The scout with the most sticks wins!
Bombs and Shields In this game Cub Scouts learn the value of teamwork. The Den leader plays the role of "The Bomber." To prepare, The Bomber puts on dark sunglasses, a gray hooded sweatshirt and collects a pile of rocks the size of his fist. The Scouts are paired off - one Scout is "The Target" while the other is "The Shield." When The Bomber yells "Go," he begins throwing rocks at The Target while The Target uses his partner as a Shield of protection. If The Bomber hits a Target he gets a point, but if The Shield is hit instead The Target gets a point. (This game is typically followed by Basic First Aid Practice.)
Jimmy Jimmy Activity This game prepares young boys for manhood. It involves learning various self pleasuring techniques while reciting the chant "Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Woop, Jimmy, Woop, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy." Although this activity made me feel a little uncomfortable, the other Scouts sure seemed to enjoy it.
Macaroni Art For this activity Scouts are given uncooked macaroni, glue and construction paper and then are instructed to use their materials to create a picture of a one-celled animal. Here's one I created:
I can't wait to hear about your adventures in Cub Scouting Jewel! Let me know how it goes?
Have a question? Email me SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Current mood: spicy
My Dearest Jewel,
Although I have a difficult time understanding the concept of boredom and actually feel compelled to peck out your eyeballs for not having the imagination or motivation to take full advantage of living on this incredible planet, I think I have a solution that will most definitely add a hefty dose of adventure and fun to your life while also helping you to grow as a person: Get your neckerchief pressed Jewel because you're going to join the Cub Scouts!
I've been a Cub Scout for almost a year now and all I can say is Wow! I've never been exposed to so many beneficial, mind blowing experiences.
Pooh Sticks In this game each Cub Scout takes a shit on a paper plate and then impales his excrement with sticks found in the back yard. The scout with the most sticks wins!
Bombs and Shields In this game Cub Scouts learn the value of teamwork. The Den leader plays the role of "The Bomber." To prepare, The Bomber puts on dark sunglasses, a gray hooded sweatshirt and collects a pile of rocks the size of his fist. The Scouts are paired off - one Scout is "The Target" while the other is "The Shield." When The Bomber yells "Go," he begins throwing rocks at The Target while The Target uses his partner as a Shield of protection. If The Bomber hits a Target he gets a point, but if The Shield is hit instead The Target gets a point. (This game is typically followed by Basic First Aid Practice.)
Jimmy Jimmy Activity This game prepares young boys for manhood. It involves learning various self pleasuring techniques while reciting the chant "Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Woop, Jimmy, Woop, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy." Although this activity made me feel a little uncomfortable, the other Scouts sure seemed to enjoy it.
Macaroni Art For this activity Scouts are given uncooked macaroni, glue and construction paper and then are instructed to use their materials to create a picture of a one-celled animal. Here's one I created:
Have a question? Email me SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Show Your Support! Sponsor an Illegal Alien
Current mood: octagonal
Looking for a way to help those less fortunate? I recommend Families for Alien Refugees in Transition. With illegal aliens being a topic of much debate these days, F.A.R.T. helps connect parentless alien children with families and resources in an effort to infuse some stability into their fragile little lives.
There are two ways to get involved: One way is to sponsor an alien child by sending a monthly donation. In return you'll receive a photo of the alien child your generosity is helping as well as biannual reports about the child's progress. Or if you feel moved to help completely transform an alien child's life you can become a foster parent!
Here's a sample of some the alien children you can help right now:
ALISON
- Rescued from a travelling circus in Holland
- Eats tree bark
- Molts 2 times a year
- Communicates by emitting a high-pitched screech
- Sleeps in water
- Afraid of men and women
TWITCH
- Born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
- Has a severe facial tic
- Fluent in French and German
- Deported from Arizona
- Eats paper
- Enjoys knitting
REGGIE
- Rescued from a secret government laboratory
- Has many tiny sharp teeth and low self esteem
- Poops fire
- Is an excellent mimic
- Speaks English with a Dean Martin accent
- Wants to drive a school bus when he grows up
Learn how your family can help by calling (800) 866-FART
Looking for a way to help those less fortunate? I recommend Families for Alien Refugees in Transition. With illegal aliens being a topic of much debate these days, F.A.R.T. helps connect parentless alien children with families and resources in an effort to infuse some stability into their fragile little lives.
There are two ways to get involved: One way is to sponsor an alien child by sending a monthly donation. In return you'll receive a photo of the alien child your generosity is helping as well as biannual reports about the child's progress. Or if you feel moved to help completely transform an alien child's life you can become a foster parent!
Here's a sample of some the alien children you can help right now:
- Rescued from a travelling circus in Holland
- Eats tree bark
- Molts 2 times a year
- Communicates by emitting a high-pitched screech
- Sleeps in water
- Afraid of men and women
TWITCH
- Born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
- Has a severe facial tic
- Fluent in French and German
- Deported from Arizona
- Eats paper
- Enjoys knitting
- Rescued from a secret government laboratory
- Has many tiny sharp teeth and low self esteem
- Poops fire
- Is an excellent mimic
- Speaks English with a Dean Martin accent
- Wants to drive a school bus when he grows up
Learn how your family can help by calling (800) 866-FART
Monday, August 16, 2010
Question #27: How to Overcome Anxiety
Tim's question: Dear Steve, You addressed depression in an earlier post (please refer to 5/31/10 post), but what about anxiety? I have some nasty anxiety and would like to find ways to get beyond it.
Current mood: horizontal
Worry no more, Tim my anxious friend. Help is just a few paragraphs and illustrative photos away!
Anxiety typically results from trying to control things you don't have control of (e.g., the future, other people, going bald, etc.). For some unfortunate folks anxiety becomes so severe that they experience anticipatory anxiety in anticipation of their next episode of anxiety. This is what I call Pre-Coital Cluster Mongolian Mindfuck Catastrophyzing Disorder Syndrome. It's very similar to Restless Leg Syndrome only without the leg movement.
Fortunately the solution to curing anxiety is simple. All you have to do is to put together an Official Anxiety Kit. In no time you'll be associating your Official Anxiety Kit with a sense of Deepak Chopra-like inner calm as it quickly gives you the illusion that you can control your anxiety.
Suggested items for your Official Anxiety Kit include:
Instructions for using your Official Anxiety Kit:
1. The next time you feel anxious have a drink.
2. If you believe the stuff you worry about is the result of 'bad luck,' plant your shamrock seeds and tell yourself that when they sprout your life circumstances will turn around in a fantastic manner and that you'll no longer have anything to worry about.
3. If you start worrying about whether or not your shamrock seeds are going to germinate, have another drink.
4. To make yourself feel better about your anxiety disorder make fun of your friend's disability.
5. Have a third drink to forget about how much of a dick you are for making fun of your disabled friend.
6. If you're still plagued by anxious thoughts - thoughts that endlessly loop through your mind like a squeaky gerbil wheel that just keeps turning and turning and turning keeping you up night after night - please use the following FOOL PROOF TIP for ridding yourself of anxiety once and for all:
Listen to the theme song from the hit 1970s television show Green Acres. With just one listen this song is guaranteed to stick to your brain like pink leather chaps on a sweaty otherwise naked gay man who's dancing energetically to 'La Vida Loca.'
Within a month of using your Official Anxiety Kit, you'll be saying 'Goodbye' to your symptoms of anxiety and 'Hello' to the new friends you'll be meeting at your weekly AA meetings. And who doesn't like having new friends!
Thanks for writing Tim!
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: horizontal
Worry no more, Tim my anxious friend. Help is just a few paragraphs and illustrative photos away!
Anxiety typically results from trying to control things you don't have control of (e.g., the future, other people, going bald, etc.). For some unfortunate folks anxiety becomes so severe that they experience anticipatory anxiety in anticipation of their next episode of anxiety. This is what I call Pre-Coital Cluster Mongolian Mindfuck Catastrophyzing Disorder Syndrome. It's very similar to Restless Leg Syndrome only without the leg movement.
Fortunately the solution to curing anxiety is simple. All you have to do is to put together an Official Anxiety Kit. In no time you'll be associating your Official Anxiety Kit with a sense of Deepak Chopra-like inner calm as it quickly gives you the illusion that you can control your anxiety.
Suggested items for your Official Anxiety Kit include:
Shamrock seeds, safety glasses, a bottle of really nice single malt scotch . . .
and a friend who has a crippling disability:
Instructions for using your Official Anxiety Kit:
1. The next time you feel anxious have a drink.
2. If you believe the stuff you worry about is the result of 'bad luck,' plant your shamrock seeds and tell yourself that when they sprout your life circumstances will turn around in a fantastic manner and that you'll no longer have anything to worry about.
3. If you start worrying about whether or not your shamrock seeds are going to germinate, have another drink.
4. To make yourself feel better about your anxiety disorder make fun of your friend's disability.
5. Have a third drink to forget about how much of a dick you are for making fun of your disabled friend.
6. If you're still plagued by anxious thoughts - thoughts that endlessly loop through your mind like a squeaky gerbil wheel that just keeps turning and turning and turning keeping you up night after night - please use the following FOOL PROOF TIP for ridding yourself of anxiety once and for all:
Listen to the theme song from the hit 1970s television show Green Acres. With just one listen this song is guaranteed to stick to your brain like pink leather chaps on a sweaty otherwise naked gay man who's dancing energetically to 'La Vida Loca.'
Within a month of using your Official Anxiety Kit, you'll be saying 'Goodbye' to your symptoms of anxiety and 'Hello' to the new friends you'll be meeting at your weekly AA meetings. And who doesn't like having new friends!
Thanks for writing Tim!
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Steve the Raven's Guide to Having a Successful First Date
Current mood: magenta
Now that you’ve successfully gotten your special lady’s attention (please refer to my 7/18/10 post), it’s time to show her an excellent time. As promised,
Steve the Raven’s Guide to Having a Successful First Date
I'm confident that if you follow these guidelines you'll have a terrific first date experience.
Now that you’ve successfully gotten your special lady’s attention (please refer to my 7/18/10 post), it’s time to show her an excellent time. As promised,
Steve the Raven’s Guide to Having a Successful First Date
I'm confident that if you follow these guidelines you'll have a terrific first date experience.
- Bring your ant farm to dinner. She’ll love that you’re an outdoorsman.
- Show an interest in your date. Create a photo album of your favourite hair styles and suggest which one she should try the next time you see her.
- Be mysterious. Blindfold her when she gets in your car.
- Share your proudest moments (i.e., 'I haven’t gambled in a week'; 'I had a brief television appearance on COPS in the 90s'; 'I helped a Nigerian diplomat's daughter access her inheritance'; 'When I was 38, I stuffed 18 miniature marshmallows up each nostril and then shot them cannon-like into a small clam bucket'; etc.).
- Bring her a gift. If you’re crafty, you can decoupage pictures of yourself onto a shoebox or carve a face into an apple. If you’re not crafty, give her an engagement ring or some marbles.
- Reveal your nostalgic side by showing her your collection of toenail clippings and dead skin (Martha Stewart-inspired idea: Present them in your decoupage shoebox!).
- Discuss current events. Let her know about road construction projects you’re aware of.
- Show your economical side by bringing a sandwich to the restaurant.
- Show your generous side . . . share your sandwich with her.
- Let her know that you learn from your mistakes. Create a bar graph or colourful pie chart that demonstrates why your previous relationships failed.
- Be classy. Wear a shiny cape.
- Make her feel important. Ask her to co-sign on a personal loan for a speedboat (Bonus Tip: This will also let you know if she has good credit for future purchases you'd like to make).
- Be courteous. If your date looks tired offer to carry her from the car into the movie theatre and/or restaurant (especially if she's blindfolded).
- And to make the evening complete, offer your date $100 cash for spending time with you
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Steve Interviews TV's Michael Landon
In this month's Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I reluctantly interview TV's Michael Landon.
Current mood: perfunctory
A couple of weeks ago during one of my excursions to the spirit world I was approached by the spirit of a squat balding man whose essence radiated the colour of smoked trout.
With a booming voice he said, "I've been looking for you!" He flashed me a cheesy smile and introduced himself, "I'm Murray Feist. I represent famous television actor and heartthrob Michael Landon."
He waited a beat as if making room for my shriek of excitement. When it didn't happen he quickly moved on, "Well, let me get right to the point. I've heard that you're interviewing people for your hugely popular Television Show." He punctuated 'television show' with yet another cheesy smile.
"You mean to tell me that you're Michael Landon's agent?"
"Yes I am," Murray said proudly.
"You know he's dead, don't you?"
"Not to his legions of fans. He's still hugely popular and you'd be lucky to get him on your show."
"I don't have a television show. I write a blog."
"A what? Is that some kind of sea monster?"
"Why does Michael Landon have an agent in the spirit world?"
"Mr. Landon has a new project in the works. It's a reality show called 'Highway in Heaven.' Get it?! It's like a play on his hugely popular television series 'Highway To Heaven'."
Again, Murray waited a beat.
Silence.
He continued his pitch, "Mr. Landon knows how much his talent and kindness, and let's not forget his charming good looks, added to people's lives. Quite simply, he's aware that the world has never been the same without him and he's ready to help the living feel the joy that is Michael Landon once again."
"That's very evolved of him."
"So you'll do it? You'll interview Mr. Landon on your plog?"
"No."
And then it happened. Murray pulled a handful of colorful rubber bands and marbles out of his pocket and taunted me with them. I love rubber bands and marbles. Let it be known that Murray is a bastard.
"Okay," I said, utterly disgusted with myself. "I'll interview Michael Landon." I snatched the rubber bands and marbles from his melon-coloured hand and added them to my rubber band and marble collection.
With apologies . . . I present my interview with Michael Landon:
Steve the Raven: So Mike, what do you miss about being alive?
Michael Landon: It's Michael. Well Steve, I miss my fans! I miss collecting photos of myself, autographing them and giving them to my fans. I love the look of gratitude on the faces of my fans when I hand them one of my signed photos.
STR: Great. Okay, thanks a lot for the interview.
ML: Aren't you going to ask me about my new reality show 'Highway In Heaven'? Super title, isn't it?! It's like a play on my popular television series 'Highway to Heaven.' Unlike the first show where I played the part of an angel helping people, this time I really am an angel helping people!
STR: No Mike. I actually wasn't going to ask you about your new reality show.
ML: (Clearly agitated) Do you know who I am? Do you know how lucky you are to be interviewing me?
STR: Golly, Mike, I'd say that you actually believe that you're an angel in heaven?
ML: Of course I'm in heaven. Where else would I be?
STR: If you weren't still so attached to the earth and your former life you'd know that the heaven you're referring to doesn't exist. I hate to break this to you, but I'd say you're actually only about 17 inches away from physical reality. That would make your soul the consistency of peanut butter. Your hair looks great by the way.
ML: Who do you think you - ?
STR: What do you say we wrap this up Mike? Here's your chance to share something inspirational with the living. What's your parting message?
ML: I'd love to share some good old fashioned advice: Some people are lucky and others aren't. Just don't let it get you down. Remember to keep your chin up.
STR: (After a long pause) Seriously? That's supposed to inspire people?
ML: You bet it will ! If you're one of the unlucky ones I think it helps you cope with your misfortune. I've shared this advice with unlucky people I've known and it really helped them get through tough times.
STR: Right. I'm sure it did. I'm pretty doubtful I'll be able to find a way to shake the bad luck I'm feeling right now.
I promise to interview a more interesting dead person next month.
Current mood: perfunctory
A couple of weeks ago during one of my excursions to the spirit world I was approached by the spirit of a squat balding man whose essence radiated the colour of smoked trout.
With a booming voice he said, "I've been looking for you!" He flashed me a cheesy smile and introduced himself, "I'm Murray Feist. I represent famous television actor and heartthrob Michael Landon."
He waited a beat as if making room for my shriek of excitement. When it didn't happen he quickly moved on, "Well, let me get right to the point. I've heard that you're interviewing people for your hugely popular Television Show." He punctuated 'television show' with yet another cheesy smile.
"You mean to tell me that you're Michael Landon's agent?"
"Yes I am," Murray said proudly.
"You know he's dead, don't you?"
"Not to his legions of fans. He's still hugely popular and you'd be lucky to get him on your show."
"I don't have a television show. I write a blog."
"A what? Is that some kind of sea monster?"
"Why does Michael Landon have an agent in the spirit world?"
"Mr. Landon has a new project in the works. It's a reality show called 'Highway in Heaven.' Get it?! It's like a play on his hugely popular television series 'Highway To Heaven'."
Again, Murray waited a beat.
Silence.
He continued his pitch, "Mr. Landon knows how much his talent and kindness, and let's not forget his charming good looks, added to people's lives. Quite simply, he's aware that the world has never been the same without him and he's ready to help the living feel the joy that is Michael Landon once again."
"That's very evolved of him."
"So you'll do it? You'll interview Mr. Landon on your plog?"
"No."
And then it happened. Murray pulled a handful of colorful rubber bands and marbles out of his pocket and taunted me with them. I love rubber bands and marbles. Let it be known that Murray is a bastard.
"Okay," I said, utterly disgusted with myself. "I'll interview Michael Landon." I snatched the rubber bands and marbles from his melon-coloured hand and added them to my rubber band and marble collection.
With apologies . . . I present my interview with Michael Landon:
Michael Landon: It's Michael. Well Steve, I miss my fans! I miss collecting photos of myself, autographing them and giving them to my fans. I love the look of gratitude on the faces of my fans when I hand them one of my signed photos.
STR: Great. Okay, thanks a lot for the interview.
ML: Aren't you going to ask me about my new reality show 'Highway In Heaven'? Super title, isn't it?! It's like a play on my popular television series 'Highway to Heaven.' Unlike the first show where I played the part of an angel helping people, this time I really am an angel helping people!
STR: No Mike. I actually wasn't going to ask you about your new reality show.
ML: (Clearly agitated) Do you know who I am? Do you know how lucky you are to be interviewing me?
STR: Golly, Mike, I'd say that you actually believe that you're an angel in heaven?
ML: Of course I'm in heaven. Where else would I be?
STR: If you weren't still so attached to the earth and your former life you'd know that the heaven you're referring to doesn't exist. I hate to break this to you, but I'd say you're actually only about 17 inches away from physical reality. That would make your soul the consistency of peanut butter. Your hair looks great by the way.
ML: Who do you think you - ?
STR: What do you say we wrap this up Mike? Here's your chance to share something inspirational with the living. What's your parting message?
ML: I'd love to share some good old fashioned advice: Some people are lucky and others aren't. Just don't let it get you down. Remember to keep your chin up.
STR: (After a long pause) Seriously? That's supposed to inspire people?
ML: You bet it will ! If you're one of the unlucky ones I think it helps you cope with your misfortune. I've shared this advice with unlucky people I've known and it really helped them get through tough times.
STR: Right. I'm sure it did. I'm pretty doubtful I'll be able to find a way to shake the bad luck I'm feeling right now.
I promise to interview a more interesting dead person next month.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Question #26: Understanding the Human Race
Boss' question: I've long regarded humans as inept. Do you have any theories as to why humans behave the way they do?
Current mood: pretty
Growing pains, Boss my friend. Humans are growing up. The way I see it, the human race is currently the developmental equivalent of adolescents. For tens of thousands of years humans have been slowly evolving their identity as a race.
At the risk of oversimplifying this process . . . here's my take on the stages of the human race's development:
INFANCY (hunter-gatherer period) = strong connection to mom (earth) and dad (sun)
CHILDHOOD = I call this the "oh shit" era. Armed with limited perception and faced with the horrors of the world such as death, illness and catastrophic events, a youthful human race attempted to combat its fears by inventing an all powerful being who lives in a celestial kingdom and punishes those who are bad and rewards those who are good. Religion gave humans the illusion of control in a world that could be cruel.
PRE-ADOLESCENCE = The school of hard knocks led to the development of reasoning skills. Science is born ("Congratulations, it's a paramecium!"). During this period, Western culture began to hungrily investigate the material world in an attempt to figure out "how shit works." Westerners dumped god for a petri dish. God got pissed and went back to dating children (see previous developmental stage)
ADOLESCENCE = What I like to refer to as the "who gives a shit" period.
Common traits during this developmental stage include:
What are your thoughts on what the next phase of the human race's development will be? Send me an email stevetheraven@tds.net or share your comments below
Current mood: pretty
Growing pains, Boss my friend. Humans are growing up. The way I see it, the human race is currently the developmental equivalent of adolescents. For tens of thousands of years humans have been slowly evolving their identity as a race.
At the risk of oversimplifying this process . . . here's my take on the stages of the human race's development:
INFANCY (hunter-gatherer period) = strong connection to mom (earth) and dad (sun)
CHILDHOOD = I call this the "oh shit" era. Armed with limited perception and faced with the horrors of the world such as death, illness and catastrophic events, a youthful human race attempted to combat its fears by inventing an all powerful being who lives in a celestial kingdom and punishes those who are bad and rewards those who are good. Religion gave humans the illusion of control in a world that could be cruel.
PRE-ADOLESCENCE = The school of hard knocks led to the development of reasoning skills. Science is born ("Congratulations, it's a paramecium!"). During this period, Western culture began to hungrily investigate the material world in an attempt to figure out "how shit works." Westerners dumped god for a petri dish. God got pissed and went back to dating children (see previous developmental stage)
ADOLESCENCE = What I like to refer to as the "who gives a shit" period.
Common traits during this developmental stage include:
- Logic and reason reign supreme while magical thinking is rejected (Darwinism + Neo-Darwinism)
- Disrespectful attitude towards parents, especially mom (Deforestation, toxic waste, poison water, etc.)
- Sense of entitlement (Visa/MasterCard)
- Manipulative behaviour (Monsanto)
- Rigid thinking (oil dependence)
- Feelings of invincibility (US Congress)
- Obsession with appearance (Miami)
- Importance of acceptance (Facebook)
- Poor concept of cause and effect (plastic surgery)
- Self gratification (Wall Street)
- Lack of humility (Mel Gibson)
- Demands for freedom without responsibility (rednecks)
- Self importance (Fox News)
- Identifying with social groups/cliques (conservatives vs. liberals)
What are your thoughts on what the next phase of the human race's development will be? Send me an email stevetheraven@tds.net or share your comments below
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Question #25: How to win over a woman
Danny's question: steve, there's a woman at work i really like. how do i get her to notice me?
Current mood: Ethiopian
Buy a lottery ticket Danny, my friend, because today's your lucky day. Romantic advice just happens to be my specialty.
Below I've outlined a few things you can do that will most definitely get you noticed.
Setting the stage
Since first impressions are everything it's vital that you dress appropriately. Women love when men wear hats and necklaces.
Bonus Tip: If you want to be especially elegant wear a cape. Chicks dig capes.
Communicate your feelings
Create a romantic symbol using your favourite produce. This will let her know exactly how you feel and can also serve as a light snack. I like to use peas.
The gift of YOU
Send her home with a mix tape. Putting together a memorable collection of songs is the perfect way to let your special lady know you've thought a lot about her. Plus you can convey a great deal about yourself and what's important to you in a relationship. This is also a safe way to show your sensitive side. Based on my research and observations of the human male, I've put together a sample track list to help you get started.
Lineman for the County - Glen Campbell
I Was Made for Dancin'- Leif Garrett
Vagina Mine - Puscifer
Be Sweet - Afghan Whigs
Stinkfist - Tool
Anything by George Michael
Let's Get Blown - Snoop Dogg
You're Having My Baby - Paul Anka
Good luck Danny boy!
Coming soon . . . The keys to a successful first date!
Current mood: Ethiopian
Buy a lottery ticket Danny, my friend, because today's your lucky day. Romantic advice just happens to be my specialty.
Below I've outlined a few things you can do that will most definitely get you noticed.
Setting the stage
Since first impressions are everything it's vital that you dress appropriately. Women love when men wear hats and necklaces.
Bonus Tip: If you want to be especially elegant wear a cape. Chicks dig capes.
Communicate your feelings
Create a romantic symbol using your favourite produce. This will let her know exactly how you feel and can also serve as a light snack. I like to use peas.
Send her home with a mix tape. Putting together a memorable collection of songs is the perfect way to let your special lady know you've thought a lot about her. Plus you can convey a great deal about yourself and what's important to you in a relationship. This is also a safe way to show your sensitive side. Based on my research and observations of the human male, I've put together a sample track list to help you get started.
Lineman for the County - Glen Campbell
I Was Made for Dancin'- Leif Garrett
Vagina Mine - Puscifer
Be Sweet - Afghan Whigs
Stinkfist - Tool
Anything by George Michael
Let's Get Blown - Snoop Dogg
You're Having My Baby - Paul Anka
Good luck Danny boy!
Coming soon . . . The keys to a successful first date!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Steve the Raven's Guide to the Top 5 Vacation Destinations of 2010
Current mood: stagnant
It's vacation time ! To make your vacation plans easy, I've provided a comprehensive list of amazing vacation experiences that are guaranteed to make you feel proud to be a member of the human race!
#5. Creationist Museum: Bring the bible to life! Located in lovely Petersburg, Kentucky, the Creationist Museum is like taking a time machine back to the biblical era. Find out how natural selection is different from evolution, learn how man befriended the mighty dinosaur and visit the site where Noah's arc was made! The fun doesn't stop there . . . Later this month creationist pioneer Dr Larry Parker will present a lecture about viruses and immunity. He will address the question "Why would a loving and all powerful god create viruses and germs?" Great fucking question Larry! Remember the Creationist Museum motto: 'Leave yer brain at the gate!'
#4. Dollywood: No top 5 vacation list would be complete without including Dolly Parton's famous Tennessee theme park Dollywood! A classic American family attraction that includes fun rides like 'Blazing Fury' where you get to experience what it's like to be burned alive! Have your camera ready for the 'Piggy Parade.' You'll be amazed as hundreds of obese Americans make the trek from the corndog stand to the funnel cake stand and back again. And don't miss the Parade's grand finale as the Piggies mainline vats of Granny Ogle's Ham 'n' Beans under a backdrop of spectacular fireworks.
#3. All I can say is Kentucky is the place to go for amazing museum experiences! Not only is Kentucky the home of our #5 destination, the Creationist Museum, but down the road in Fort Mitchell you can visit the Vent Haven Ventriloquist Museum. After looking at 700 ventriloquist dolls you'll be convinced that god hates humans. A great stop if you have friends or family members diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
#2. Visit the Gulf Coast! Not only will you be able to start your soon-to-be immensely valuable tar ball collection, but you'll see how extinction works.
And finally, this year's number #1 vacation attraction:
Plastic Island!!
Located in a remote region of the breathtaking Pacific Ocean, this newly discovered toxic paradise of floating garbage will be the hottest destination this summer. Plastic Island, boasting 97 million decadent pounds of trash, has much to offer - not only will you drown in its beauty, but you'll see exotic plastics from around the world. And you also might just find out the answer to the age old question: Does Velveeta float? (Free bottled water provided)
It's vacation time ! To make your vacation plans easy, I've provided a comprehensive list of amazing vacation experiences that are guaranteed to make you feel proud to be a member of the human race!
#5. Creationist Museum: Bring the bible to life! Located in lovely Petersburg, Kentucky, the Creationist Museum is like taking a time machine back to the biblical era. Find out how natural selection is different from evolution, learn how man befriended the mighty dinosaur and visit the site where Noah's arc was made! The fun doesn't stop there . . . Later this month creationist pioneer Dr Larry Parker will present a lecture about viruses and immunity. He will address the question "Why would a loving and all powerful god create viruses and germs?" Great fucking question Larry! Remember the Creationist Museum motto: 'Leave yer brain at the gate!'
#4. Dollywood: No top 5 vacation list would be complete without including Dolly Parton's famous Tennessee theme park Dollywood! A classic American family attraction that includes fun rides like 'Blazing Fury' where you get to experience what it's like to be burned alive! Have your camera ready for the 'Piggy Parade.' You'll be amazed as hundreds of obese Americans make the trek from the corndog stand to the funnel cake stand and back again. And don't miss the Parade's grand finale as the Piggies mainline vats of Granny Ogle's Ham 'n' Beans under a backdrop of spectacular fireworks.
#3. All I can say is Kentucky is the place to go for amazing museum experiences! Not only is Kentucky the home of our #5 destination, the Creationist Museum, but down the road in Fort Mitchell you can visit the Vent Haven Ventriloquist Museum. After looking at 700 ventriloquist dolls you'll be convinced that god hates humans. A great stop if you have friends or family members diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
#2. Visit the Gulf Coast! Not only will you be able to start your soon-to-be immensely valuable tar ball collection, but you'll see how extinction works.
And finally, this year's number #1 vacation attraction:
Plastic Island!!
Located in a remote region of the breathtaking Pacific Ocean, this newly discovered toxic paradise of floating garbage will be the hottest destination this summer. Plastic Island, boasting 97 million decadent pounds of trash, has much to offer - not only will you drown in its beauty, but you'll see exotic plastics from around the world. And you also might just find out the answer to the age old question: Does Velveeta float? (Free bottled water provided)
Monday, July 5, 2010
Question #24: Afraid to go to hell?
RecoveringCatholicMan's question: Dear Steve the Raven, I'm getting on in years and wanted to ask your advice about what comes next. More specifically, I want to make sure I don't end up in hell. I'm 90% sure there is not a hell, but I thought I'd ask you just in case. Thank you in advance for your assistance.
Current mood: toothy
Excellent question RCMan, my friend ! I have a sneaking suspicion that you're not the only human afraid of the possibility of hell. Fortunately, I have an answer that's guaranteed to make your death experience as satisfying as picking dried scabs off your scalp.
There are precisely two ways to ensure that your immortal soul does not end up in the blistering bowels of hell slinging hash for Satan.
1. Drink your own urine.
Everyone is always surprised to learn that urine is naturally flame retardant. If you've led a particularly unsavory life ask a few friends and family members if you can drink their urine too. Unless, of course, they're also trying to stay out of hell and don't want to part with their urine. In which case I'd suggest placing an ad on Craig's List. Here's a sample ad you can use:
** Bonus tip#1: God will give you extra points if you're willing to drink the urine of someone who has a urinary tract infection.
2. Get a lobotomy.
To prevent going to hell, I suggest brain damage. The truth is RCMan, hell is not a place in the spirit world you go to when you die. Hell is a state of mind (and/or the state of New Jersey). There's nothing more hellish than living with poisonous thoughts and emotions. Not only are you no fun at cocktail parties, but you end up not enjoying your life while you're living it. And if you ask me, that's a big fucking waste of a life. You want to stay out of hell? Heal yourself.
** Bonus tip#2: I'll bet you're wondering if Satan is real? You bet he is! Satan is the 'master of deception.' So that means that anyone who's ever told you that there is a hell is Satan. That also means you can refer to politicians, lawyers and members of mainstream newsmedia - with the exception of Jon Stewart - as Satan as well.
I hope my response puts you at ease RCMan !
Send your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Current mood: toothy
Excellent question RCMan, my friend ! I have a sneaking suspicion that you're not the only human afraid of the possibility of hell. Fortunately, I have an answer that's guaranteed to make your death experience as satisfying as picking dried scabs off your scalp.
There are precisely two ways to ensure that your immortal soul does not end up in the blistering bowels of hell slinging hash for Satan.
1. Drink your own urine.
Everyone is always surprised to learn that urine is naturally flame retardant. If you've led a particularly unsavory life ask a few friends and family members if you can drink their urine too. Unless, of course, they're also trying to stay out of hell and don't want to part with their urine. In which case I'd suggest placing an ad on Craig's List. Here's a sample ad you can use:
Wanted: Atheist's Urine
Former guilt-ridden and brainwashed Catholic looking to consume urine in order to stay out of hell.
Must be local.
** Bonus tip#1: God will give you extra points if you're willing to drink the urine of someone who has a urinary tract infection.
2. Get a lobotomy.
To prevent going to hell, I suggest brain damage. The truth is RCMan, hell is not a place in the spirit world you go to when you die. Hell is a state of mind (and/or the state of New Jersey). There's nothing more hellish than living with poisonous thoughts and emotions. Not only are you no fun at cocktail parties, but you end up not enjoying your life while you're living it. And if you ask me, that's a big fucking waste of a life. You want to stay out of hell? Heal yourself.
** Bonus tip#2: I'll bet you're wondering if Satan is real? You bet he is! Satan is the 'master of deception.' So that means that anyone who's ever told you that there is a hell is Satan. That also means you can refer to politicians, lawyers and members of mainstream newsmedia - with the exception of Jon Stewart - as Satan as well.
I hope my response puts you at ease RCMan !
Send your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Steve Interviews Ludwig van Beethoven
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click here to view the post.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Question #23: What to do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door
David's question: Dear Steve, What should I do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door?
Current mood: trite
I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)
1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.
2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.
3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."
4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."
GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO
1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"
2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."
3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"
4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"
5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"
6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."
7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"
7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"
8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"
9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"
10. "I find you both really attractive."
Current mood: trite
I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)
1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.
2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.
3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."
4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."
GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO
1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"
2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."
3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"
4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"
5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"
6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."
7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"
7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"
8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"
9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"
10. "I find you both really attractive."
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Conversation with an Angry Tea Bagger
Current mood: slick
It seems I've ruffled some feathers once again (no pun intended). Last week's post resulted in the following internet chat exchange with a passionate patriot:
Freedom Fighter: UR a communist pig
Steve the Raven: Wrong on both accounts, my freedom fighting friend. I'm actually an apolitical bird.
FF: You can't write the kind of BS you wrote on that blog of yours last week and not be a communist.
STR: Sure, I can. I can both write my blog and not be a communist.
FF: How dare you disrespect the founding fathers of the United States of America.
STR: Unfortunately your warning comes too late. I've already done it. Would you like a copy of my new book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality when it comes out as a consolation?
FF: It's people like you-
STR: I'm a bird
FF: - who want to throw away the freedom that this great country of ours was founded on
STR: Have you considered the possibility that you don't know what you're talking about?
FF: UR on drugs
STR: 'Your' country was founded on greed, not freedom. Quite a few of the founding fathers were wealthy slave owners. Hmmm . . . I wonder how free the Africans and the Indians felt at the time?
FF: It's because of the Founding Fathers that I'm living the American Dream and so are you!!!
STR: Ah, yes the American dream. The pursuit of happiness.
FF: You got it!
STR: How much debt do you have?
FF: What does that have to do with anything?
STR: Debt = the "new" slavery
FF: WTF?
STR: Allow me to illustrate using a very precise mathematical formula I created.
Middle Income American Dream:
Birth + Student loan(s) + Loan for SUV + Mortgage + equity line of credit + credit card (fuel to run your SUV + weekly tanning bed sessions + annual trip to Cabo + monthly subscription to the 'She-Males Gone Wild' website) + second mortgage - Illusion of Freedom ÷ you're screwed = the "new" slavery
Low Income American Dream:
Birth = you're screwed
High Income American Dream:
Middle Class America's pursuit of happiness + illegal aliens' pursuit of happiness (+ strong work ethic) = guaranteed happiness for wealthy Americans + meticulously landscaped lawns
FF: Everyone has the same opportunity to be successful
STR: Is it considered incest if Uncle Sam is your pimp?
FF: prick
STR: What do you say we sing a song to celebrate your freedom?! I'll start and you can join in whenever you like . . ."Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Coming for to carry me home . . ."
It seems I've ruffled some feathers once again (no pun intended). Last week's post resulted in the following internet chat exchange with a passionate patriot:
Freedom Fighter: UR a communist pig
Steve the Raven: Wrong on both accounts, my freedom fighting friend. I'm actually an apolitical bird.
FF: You can't write the kind of BS you wrote on that blog of yours last week and not be a communist.
STR: Sure, I can. I can both write my blog and not be a communist.
FF: How dare you disrespect the founding fathers of the United States of America.
STR: Unfortunately your warning comes too late. I've already done it. Would you like a copy of my new book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality when it comes out as a consolation?
FF: It's people like you-
STR: I'm a bird
FF: - who want to throw away the freedom that this great country of ours was founded on
STR: Have you considered the possibility that you don't know what you're talking about?
FF: UR on drugs
STR: 'Your' country was founded on greed, not freedom. Quite a few of the founding fathers were wealthy slave owners. Hmmm . . . I wonder how free the Africans and the Indians felt at the time?
FF: It's because of the Founding Fathers that I'm living the American Dream and so are you!!!
STR: Ah, yes the American dream. The pursuit of happiness.
FF: You got it!
STR: How much debt do you have?
FF: What does that have to do with anything?
STR: Debt = the "new" slavery
FF: WTF?
STR: Allow me to illustrate using a very precise mathematical formula I created.
Middle Income American Dream:
Birth + Student loan(s) + Loan for SUV + Mortgage + equity line of credit + credit card (fuel to run your SUV + weekly tanning bed sessions + annual trip to Cabo + monthly subscription to the 'She-Males Gone Wild' website) + second mortgage - Illusion of Freedom ÷ you're screwed = the "new" slavery
Low Income American Dream:
Birth = you're screwed
High Income American Dream:
Middle Class America's pursuit of happiness + illegal aliens' pursuit of happiness (+ strong work ethic) = guaranteed happiness for wealthy Americans + meticulously landscaped lawns
FF: Everyone has the same opportunity to be successful
STR: Is it considered incest if Uncle Sam is your pimp?
FF: prick
STR: What do you say we sing a song to celebrate your freedom?! I'll start and you can join in whenever you like . . ."Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Coming for to carry me home . . ."
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Question #22: The Tea Party Movement
LittleSamurai's question: Steve, What are your thoughts on the Tea Party movement?
Current mood: kumquat
My dear LittleSamurai, questions like yours inspire me to tell my favourite bedtime story.
Once upon a time there was a faraway land of exquisite beauty and bountiful resources. It was a new world. A veritable paradise rich with possibilities . . .
Upon discovering this wondrous place, legions of fair-skinned people from the old world made the treacherous journey across the great sea armed with only dreams of creating a new kind of empire - a realm where everyone, regardless of their economic status, skin colour, religious beliefs, fashion sense, sexual orientation, musical tastes or political leanings could live in complete freedom.
But the newcomers ran into a slight obstacle when they arrived. There were people already living in this magical place.
No problem.
The newcomers got right to work creating fantastic relationships and communities with the native people. They worked side-by-side sharing ideas and skills and wonderful feasts. However, there was a lot of work to do. So, many of the newcomers invited their black skinned brothers and sisters to the new world to help make their innovative endeavor a great success! On the distant shores of a place called Africa they said, "Come help us black skinned ones! We've got to pave the way for our dreams of prosperity. You see, we have this idea for a chain of fast food restaurants. A wonderful eatery where a friendly and not at all creepy clown with bright red hair and a puffy yellow outfit will serve you a 'happy meal!'" How could the dark skinned people turn down an offer like that? It was truly a magical time.
After many years and many triumphs, a group of very important men gathered with the intention of putting into writing the ideals of this great new nation. When they finished their project they stepped back and shook their heads in amazement. One of the men addressed the group with tears in his eyes. He said, "Gentlemen, this document is truly magnificent. A thing of beauty. I stand before you with a great sense of pride. For this document leads us to believe that we're really a swell group of forward thinkers. On this day I predict that the more we read this document - and really start to believe that it's true - the more we'll find it's okay that our actions don't live up to our ideals."
His voice rose with the excitement of a priest at a boy scout convention, "I believe this document will give us, and generations to come, freedom from internal dissonance. The words we've authored on this extraordinary day will make it okay to be the dicks that we are!"
And a very select few lived happily ever after . . .
(This story was taken from Steve The Raven's soon to be released book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality)
Got a question? stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: kumquat
My dear LittleSamurai, questions like yours inspire me to tell my favourite bedtime story.
Once upon a time there was a faraway land of exquisite beauty and bountiful resources. It was a new world. A veritable paradise rich with possibilities . . .
Upon discovering this wondrous place, legions of fair-skinned people from the old world made the treacherous journey across the great sea armed with only dreams of creating a new kind of empire - a realm where everyone, regardless of their economic status, skin colour, religious beliefs, fashion sense, sexual orientation, musical tastes or political leanings could live in complete freedom.
But the newcomers ran into a slight obstacle when they arrived. There were people already living in this magical place.
No problem.
The newcomers got right to work creating fantastic relationships and communities with the native people. They worked side-by-side sharing ideas and skills and wonderful feasts. However, there was a lot of work to do. So, many of the newcomers invited their black skinned brothers and sisters to the new world to help make their innovative endeavor a great success! On the distant shores of a place called Africa they said, "Come help us black skinned ones! We've got to pave the way for our dreams of prosperity. You see, we have this idea for a chain of fast food restaurants. A wonderful eatery where a friendly and not at all creepy clown with bright red hair and a puffy yellow outfit will serve you a 'happy meal!'" How could the dark skinned people turn down an offer like that? It was truly a magical time.
After many years and many triumphs, a group of very important men gathered with the intention of putting into writing the ideals of this great new nation. When they finished their project they stepped back and shook their heads in amazement. One of the men addressed the group with tears in his eyes. He said, "Gentlemen, this document is truly magnificent. A thing of beauty. I stand before you with a great sense of pride. For this document leads us to believe that we're really a swell group of forward thinkers. On this day I predict that the more we read this document - and really start to believe that it's true - the more we'll find it's okay that our actions don't live up to our ideals."
His voice rose with the excitement of a priest at a boy scout convention, "I believe this document will give us, and generations to come, freedom from internal dissonance. The words we've authored on this extraordinary day will make it okay to be the dicks that we are!"
And a very select few lived happily ever after . . .
(This story was taken from Steve The Raven's soon to be released book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality)
Got a question? stevetheraven@tds.net
Monday, May 31, 2010
Question #21: How to Overcome Depression
Current mood: maple
Darlene's question: Dear Steve, I've been depressed for most of my life. How do you overcome depression?
I have two words for you, Darlene, my friend: tiny rats.
I'll bet you're curious how tiny rats can pull you out of your depression. Here's what you need you to do:
1. After purchasing a handful of tiny rats, don't feed them for a week. Let them get good and hungry.
2. When you're ready, take off your shoes and socks and set the rats free.
3. You'll notice that the rats start hungrily eating the flesh on your feet. You'll also begin to notice that your focus shifts to the increasing pain in your feet. This is where the tiny rats really work their magic!
Since chronic depression is a problem that stems from the habit of negative thinking, with a particular emphasis on the past (i.e., asking yourself questions like "why did this happen to me?" or "what if I'd done xyz instead?") and deeply ingrained self-defeating belief systems (i.e., "nothing ever goes my way," "I'm not good enough," etc.), the tiny rats bring your focus to the moment at hand. That's where you want your focus to be! (cue: Oprah's audience) At the risk of getting all Eckhart Tolle on you, NOW is the only thing that exists. (Oprah points and excitedly yells to individuals in her audience, "You get a tiny rat! You get a tiny rat! Everybody gets tiny rats!")
How do you spell relief? That's right, tiny rats !
***Please note: This treatment is not recommended for people with anxiety
Email your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Darlene's question: Dear Steve, I've been depressed for most of my life. How do you overcome depression?
I have two words for you, Darlene, my friend: tiny rats.
1. After purchasing a handful of tiny rats, don't feed them for a week. Let them get good and hungry.
2. When you're ready, take off your shoes and socks and set the rats free.
3. You'll notice that the rats start hungrily eating the flesh on your feet. You'll also begin to notice that your focus shifts to the increasing pain in your feet. This is where the tiny rats really work their magic!
Since chronic depression is a problem that stems from the habit of negative thinking, with a particular emphasis on the past (i.e., asking yourself questions like "why did this happen to me?" or "what if I'd done xyz instead?") and deeply ingrained self-defeating belief systems (i.e., "nothing ever goes my way," "I'm not good enough," etc.), the tiny rats bring your focus to the moment at hand. That's where you want your focus to be! (cue: Oprah's audience) At the risk of getting all Eckhart Tolle on you, NOW is the only thing that exists. (Oprah points and excitedly yells to individuals in her audience, "You get a tiny rat! You get a tiny rat! Everybody gets tiny rats!")
4. After several days, your depression treatment will be complete.
How do you spell relief? That's right, tiny rats !
***Please note: This treatment is not recommended for people with anxiety
Email your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Sunday, May 23, 2010
How to Use Your New Prayer Rug !
Current mood: consecrated
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Place your New Prayer Rug at one end of a long hallway
3. Invite a friend over to videotape you using your New Prayer Rug
4. Put on your favorite leotard
5. Generously grease both your knees with vegetable oil and/or mayonnaise (DO NOT use Baconnaise unless you're okay with not having your prayers answered and offending Jesus)
6. Place your left foot behind your right ear, as if it were a pencil you didn't need at the moment
7. Place your right foot behind your left ear, as if you had a second unneeded pencil
8. In your loudest Ethel Merman voice sing to Jesus. Tell Jesus how much you love him, especially his eyes.
9. Feel the holy spirit fill you. (Hint: It should feel a little like gas and a little like your skin is on fire, but very relaxing). If you do not feel precisely this way, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
10. At the opposite end of the hallway while facing your New Prayer Rug, let the holy spirit use your body to perform a spectacular dance. One that makes you feel like a woman in a little girl's body.
11. Now, with open arms, run to your messiah. After three running steps fall to your knees and slide toward your saviour in a James Brown manner. (Please note: If the hallway you're using is carpeted be sure and turn your head to the side to prevent breaking your nose.)
12. As you come to a stop yell, "Thank you Jesus!"
13. Will your prayers come true? If you land precisely 5 6/32 inches away from your New Prayer Rug, congratulations! Jesus will answer your prayers. If not, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
Fall back option: If for some reason, your attempt to use your New Prayer Rug fails just send a check for $599 to the 'I Let Jesus Down' Fund. The folks there will ensure that Jesus answers your prayers in 26 business days.
14. Have your friend post your New Prayer Rug experience on YouTube.
Email me with your questions! SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Instructions for using your New Prayer Rug
2. Place your New Prayer Rug at one end of a long hallway
3. Invite a friend over to videotape you using your New Prayer Rug
4. Put on your favorite leotard
5. Generously grease both your knees with vegetable oil and/or mayonnaise (DO NOT use Baconnaise unless you're okay with not having your prayers answered and offending Jesus)
6. Place your left foot behind your right ear, as if it were a pencil you didn't need at the moment
7. Place your right foot behind your left ear, as if you had a second unneeded pencil
8. In your loudest Ethel Merman voice sing to Jesus. Tell Jesus how much you love him, especially his eyes.
9. Feel the holy spirit fill you. (Hint: It should feel a little like gas and a little like your skin is on fire, but very relaxing). If you do not feel precisely this way, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
10. At the opposite end of the hallway while facing your New Prayer Rug, let the holy spirit use your body to perform a spectacular dance. One that makes you feel like a woman in a little girl's body.
11. Now, with open arms, run to your messiah. After three running steps fall to your knees and slide toward your saviour in a James Brown manner. (Please note: If the hallway you're using is carpeted be sure and turn your head to the side to prevent breaking your nose.)
12. As you come to a stop yell, "Thank you Jesus!"
13. Will your prayers come true? If you land precisely 5 6/32 inches away from your New Prayer Rug, congratulations! Jesus will answer your prayers. If not, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
Fall back option: If for some reason, your attempt to use your New Prayer Rug fails just send a check for $599 to the 'I Let Jesus Down' Fund. The folks there will ensure that Jesus answers your prayers in 26 business days.
14. Have your friend post your New Prayer Rug experience on YouTube.
Email me with your questions! SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Common Internet Acronyms
Current mood: manganese
STEVE THE RAVEN'S USEFUL GUIDE TO COMMON INTERNET ACRONYMS (STR's UGTCIA)
LOL: Laughing out loud
WTF: What the fuck
SWD: Smirking with Disdain
IHASIMA: I have a splinter in my anus
MGJF: My grandmother just farted
WOOTP: We're out of toilet paper
MYSKY: Maybe you should kill yourself
YRI2B+IOM: Your rectum is too big and it offends me
SLM: Shrimps Lo Mein
MALLCC: My ass looks like cottage cheese
MNOLY: Maybe no one likes you
MNIWASWS: My nose is whistling a Stevie Wonder song
IPOME+STTU: I'm pulling out my eyelashes and sending them to you
MART: My anus really tingles
URHI2BFYB: Your head is too big for your body
PMMNH: Praying makes my nipples hard
MTRMILF: Monster Truck Rally Mom I'd like to fuck
IBURU: I bet you're ugly
MLASF: My left armpit smells funny
URASMF: You are a Stupid motherfucker
MRKFOOMP: My rectum keeps falling out of my pants
DUHAS?: Do you have a stapler?
FS: Fuck skin
SOS, IC: Help, I'm choking.
JMC: Join my cult!
JN-GFRM: Join now - Get a free rib massage
MPMMNIHP: My priest molested me and now I have polyps
SLT: Saucy Little Tart
DIWAD: Dave, I want a divorce
BIM - MLKFO: Back in a minute - my left kidney fell out
CISSRN: Can't, I'm stalking Susan right now
CS: Canker Sore
HDIF2BSW?: How does it feel to be so wrong?
IHSIMP: I'm hungry so I'm making pancakes
MGRITT: The government is reading my thoughts (Scrambled)
DFU?: Do flies urinate?
JWS: Jesus would swallow
MISOO?: Might I suggest olive oil?
STEVE THE RAVEN'S USEFUL GUIDE TO COMMON INTERNET ACRONYMS (STR's UGTCIA)
LOL: Laughing out loud
WTF: What the fuck
SWD: Smirking with Disdain
IHASIMA: I have a splinter in my anus
MGJF: My grandmother just farted
WOOTP: We're out of toilet paper
MYSKY: Maybe you should kill yourself
YRI2B+IOM: Your rectum is too big and it offends me
SLM: Shrimps Lo Mein
MALLCC: My ass looks like cottage cheese
MNOLY: Maybe no one likes you
MNIWASWS: My nose is whistling a Stevie Wonder song
IPOME+STTU: I'm pulling out my eyelashes and sending them to you
MART: My anus really tingles
URHI2BFYB: Your head is too big for your body
PMMNH: Praying makes my nipples hard
MTRMILF: Monster Truck Rally Mom I'd like to fuck
IBURU: I bet you're ugly
MLASF: My left armpit smells funny
URASMF: You are a Stupid motherfucker
MRKFOOMP: My rectum keeps falling out of my pants
DUHAS?: Do you have a stapler?
FS: Fuck skin
SOS, IC: Help, I'm choking.
JMC: Join my cult!
JN-GFRM: Join now - Get a free rib massage
MPMMNIHP: My priest molested me and now I have polyps
SLT: Saucy Little Tart
DIWAD: Dave, I want a divorce
BIM - MLKFO: Back in a minute - my left kidney fell out
CISSRN: Can't, I'm stalking Susan right now
CS: Canker Sore
HDIF2BSW?: How does it feel to be so wrong?
IHSIMP: I'm hungry so I'm making pancakes
MGRITT: The government is reading my thoughts (Scrambled)
DFU?: Do flies urinate?
JWS: Jesus would swallow
MISOO?: Might I suggest olive oil?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Question #20: Steve's Thoughts on the Oil Spill
Nestor's question: Dear Steve, What are your thoughts on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?
Current mood: slotted
Imagine, if you will Nestor, that you're a voluptuous woman with very large breasts. Maybe you're spending the day at the beach getting some sun. There you are with your eyes closed lying on the warm sand listening to the sound of the waves.
And then from out of nowhere the chunky guy from Passaic wearing the red, white and blue Speedo and hair shirt starts sucking on your breast. Before you can count to 10 there's about 30 people hunched over your prone body sucking on your breasts.
Maybe you tolerate this for a bit. Because it turns out that the sweet elixir your body produces gives people a little more energy while at the same time making them a tad more stupid. People everywhere find that the extra energy allows them to do important things like date-stamp their dog's bowel movements, alphabetize their underwear drawers and knit cozies for their husband's scrotum.
But it reaches a point where it gets out of hand. Not everyone can get a prime breast spot so they start poking the rest of your body with sharp sticks to see if they can harvest more of your milk elsewhere. Grocery shopping becomes a challenge as you try to move down the soup aisle with thousands of people poking at you and sticking straws into your body in order to suck out your precious milk. Eventually the people start getting angry with you when your body doesn't produce - because now they're addicted.
No one ever asked permission. No one ever said, "Hey lady, thanks for the fix!"
Finally your tolerance is gone. In an effort to free yourself from the hungry parasitic milk junkies you shake your body violently. You do this six or seven times. People get hurt. Some die. Stuff gets destroyed. You find that it works for a bit, but sadly they always come back.
They're not getting it.
And then you decide that no one is going to drink your milk anymore. So you purposely let your milk spray out of your body in a dramatic display of waste and lactic destruction . . . all the while screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE."
But no one seems to be listening. Instead, some of the people (aka, the 'save our milk braintrust' special task force headed up by the women's undergarment subcommittee) decide to construct a giant cement bra to contain the oozing milk. An absolutely brilliant idea ! Brilliantly stupid. It's the first time you laugh in months.
And you ask yourself . . . what will it take for these people to get off my tit?
In my opinion, Nestor, it won't be pretty.
Thanks for your question.
Current mood: slotted
Imagine, if you will Nestor, that you're a voluptuous woman with very large breasts. Maybe you're spending the day at the beach getting some sun. There you are with your eyes closed lying on the warm sand listening to the sound of the waves.
And then from out of nowhere the chunky guy from Passaic wearing the red, white and blue Speedo and hair shirt starts sucking on your breast. Before you can count to 10 there's about 30 people hunched over your prone body sucking on your breasts.
Maybe you tolerate this for a bit. Because it turns out that the sweet elixir your body produces gives people a little more energy while at the same time making them a tad more stupid. People everywhere find that the extra energy allows them to do important things like date-stamp their dog's bowel movements, alphabetize their underwear drawers and knit cozies for their husband's scrotum.
But it reaches a point where it gets out of hand. Not everyone can get a prime breast spot so they start poking the rest of your body with sharp sticks to see if they can harvest more of your milk elsewhere. Grocery shopping becomes a challenge as you try to move down the soup aisle with thousands of people poking at you and sticking straws into your body in order to suck out your precious milk. Eventually the people start getting angry with you when your body doesn't produce - because now they're addicted.
No one ever asked permission. No one ever said, "Hey lady, thanks for the fix!"
Finally your tolerance is gone. In an effort to free yourself from the hungry parasitic milk junkies you shake your body violently. You do this six or seven times. People get hurt. Some die. Stuff gets destroyed. You find that it works for a bit, but sadly they always come back.
They're not getting it.
And then you decide that no one is going to drink your milk anymore. So you purposely let your milk spray out of your body in a dramatic display of waste and lactic destruction . . . all the while screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE."
But no one seems to be listening. Instead, some of the people (aka, the 'save our milk braintrust' special task force headed up by the women's undergarment subcommittee) decide to construct a giant cement bra to contain the oozing milk. An absolutely brilliant idea ! Brilliantly stupid. It's the first time you laugh in months.
And you ask yourself . . . what will it take for these people to get off my tit?
In my opinion, Nestor, it won't be pretty.
Thanks for your question.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Question #19: Why does Steve give Christians a hard time?
Mariah's Question: Steve, I read a few of your entries and was disappointed by your harsh judgment of Christians. Most Christians are good, loving people. Why do you have a problem with Christians?
Current mood: intrepid
You're right, Mariah. I have expressed a particularly harsh view of Christianity. And it's unfair. If I'm to be completely honest, my criticism should include all monotheistic religions, not just Christianity. It's important to be inclusive. So let's throw the Jews and Muslims into the mix as well.
Why so harsh, you ask? That's simple: Religion is dangerous.
Any doctrine that requires its followers to give away their power - to blindly believe in "truths" that are spoon fed rather than discovered for oneself - is absolutely absurd . . . and dare I say 'evil?'
Although I may come across as though I don't like humans very much, I actually have a great deal of hope in humanity. Hence my blog. If I didn't believe in your potential as a species I wouldn't be spending my valuable time writing this blog. Right now, for instance, instead of writing this post I could be looking for shiny things to add to my shiny thing collection.
The truth is, we're all pulling for you. All the non-humans are highly aware of your potential. Watching you fumble through your lives is like watching a terrifically bad and absolutely fascinating reality show. In response to observing this clusterfuck known as the human experience, we find ourselves asking, "Will the humans find the courage to not be spineless pussies and narcissistic cocksuckers?" (foul language = my emphasis)
We're also aware of how challenging it is for humans to live in physical reality. Because, as you know (at least I hope you do), there's potential for great darkness within each one of you.
From my vantage point, religion is a manifestation of this darkness.
The creative, highly evolved inhabitants of non-physical reality (please refer to last week's post) - whom some might call gods - would never tell humans what to do or interfere in the human experience.
You have free will for a reason. Each human gets to decide every moment who he or she wants to be. More specifically, each human gets to decide how he or she wants to relate to other humans, other living creatures and the planet herself. At the risk of sounding too simplistic, you get to decide if you're going to be a dick or if you're going to demonstrate respect for all life.
This means that there is no god 'commanding' you to do anything. No god would ask for adoration, good behaviour, money, vengeance or abstinence. No god would ask you to love thy neighbour, kill thy neighbour, turn the other cheek (i.e., take abuse), eat fish on Fridays, refrain from pleasuring yourself, wear a beanie fastened to your head with bobby pins, make sacrifices, send more money, blow yourself up, or confess your sins.
It's all on you.
Consciously or unconsciously, each one of you gets to decide who and how you love, who and what you adore or take abuse from, etc. Your fake god can't take the credit.
Now, there are some unsavory inhabitants of non-physical reality who appear to reside within the unruly terrain of the human collective unconscious (aka, the spiritual equivalent to North Jersey), which means they are a manifestation of humanity's darkness - a shadowy by-product of thousands of years of human nastiness. God didn't create them, you did. And they're batshit crazy.
These not so highly evolved and powerless god wannabe's would love nothing more than to have legions of humans worship them. This is my understanding of how it works: These manifestations of human darkness creep into the minds of humans, and like parasites, latch on to base human desires like greed, power, fame and control and feed them until . . . a prophet is born.
Religious devotees have been deceived. It's all bullshit. And it's dangerous.
Can I get an amen?
Here's what I wonder when I'm flying around looking for road kill: What if each of you decided to not let another human or a book tell you what to believe and how to live? What if your motivation to be a good person wasn't to get into heaven and/or score some virgins, but was just because it feels good and is a nice way to be? What would happen if you took your power back?
And then I snap out my dreamy little godless world and realize that I'm probably going to have to hire another body guard.
Current mood: intrepid
You're right, Mariah. I have expressed a particularly harsh view of Christianity. And it's unfair. If I'm to be completely honest, my criticism should include all monotheistic religions, not just Christianity. It's important to be inclusive. So let's throw the Jews and Muslims into the mix as well.
Why so harsh, you ask? That's simple: Religion is dangerous.
Any doctrine that requires its followers to give away their power - to blindly believe in "truths" that are spoon fed rather than discovered for oneself - is absolutely absurd . . . and dare I say 'evil?'
Although I may come across as though I don't like humans very much, I actually have a great deal of hope in humanity. Hence my blog. If I didn't believe in your potential as a species I wouldn't be spending my valuable time writing this blog. Right now, for instance, instead of writing this post I could be looking for shiny things to add to my shiny thing collection.
The truth is, we're all pulling for you. All the non-humans are highly aware of your potential. Watching you fumble through your lives is like watching a terrifically bad and absolutely fascinating reality show. In response to observing this clusterfuck known as the human experience, we find ourselves asking, "Will the humans find the courage to not be spineless pussies and narcissistic cocksuckers?" (foul language = my emphasis)
We're also aware of how challenging it is for humans to live in physical reality. Because, as you know (at least I hope you do), there's potential for great darkness within each one of you.
From my vantage point, religion is a manifestation of this darkness.
The creative, highly evolved inhabitants of non-physical reality (please refer to last week's post) - whom some might call gods - would never tell humans what to do or interfere in the human experience.
You have free will for a reason. Each human gets to decide every moment who he or she wants to be. More specifically, each human gets to decide how he or she wants to relate to other humans, other living creatures and the planet herself. At the risk of sounding too simplistic, you get to decide if you're going to be a dick or if you're going to demonstrate respect for all life.
This means that there is no god 'commanding' you to do anything. No god would ask for adoration, good behaviour, money, vengeance or abstinence. No god would ask you to love thy neighbour, kill thy neighbour, turn the other cheek (i.e., take abuse), eat fish on Fridays, refrain from pleasuring yourself, wear a beanie fastened to your head with bobby pins, make sacrifices, send more money, blow yourself up, or confess your sins.
It's all on you.
Consciously or unconsciously, each one of you gets to decide who and how you love, who and what you adore or take abuse from, etc. Your fake god can't take the credit.
Now, there are some unsavory inhabitants of non-physical reality who appear to reside within the unruly terrain of the human collective unconscious (aka, the spiritual equivalent to North Jersey), which means they are a manifestation of humanity's darkness - a shadowy by-product of thousands of years of human nastiness. God didn't create them, you did. And they're batshit crazy.
These not so highly evolved and powerless god wannabe's would love nothing more than to have legions of humans worship them. This is my understanding of how it works: These manifestations of human darkness creep into the minds of humans, and like parasites, latch on to base human desires like greed, power, fame and control and feed them until . . . a prophet is born.
Religious devotees have been deceived. It's all bullshit. And it's dangerous.
Can I get an amen?
Here's what I wonder when I'm flying around looking for road kill: What if each of you decided to not let another human or a book tell you what to believe and how to live? What if your motivation to be a good person wasn't to get into heaven and/or score some virgins, but was just because it feels good and is a nice way to be? What would happen if you took your power back?
And then I snap out my dreamy little godless world and realize that I'm probably going to have to hire another body guard.
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