In this month’s Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I interview Scooter the Clown. Scooter spent an impressive 74 years with the circus when he was alive. Much of that time was spent on the road with Bob Sprankle’s Traveling Menagerie.
Steve the Raven: Seventy-four years in the circus! That’s impressive.
Scooter the Clown: Impressive, my ass. I hated the fucking circus. All those whiny snot-nosed kids screeching at me with their hateful little voices, “Do it again, Scooter. Do it again, Scooter.” And then there were the ones who’d run screaming from me, “Get the devil clown away from me. Get him away.”
STR: Yeah, I could see how 74 years of dealing with kids could get old. What do you miss most about being alive?
Scooter: Nothing.
STR: Seriously? There’s not one thing you miss?
Scooter: No, I’m glad I’m dead. Didn’t come soon enough if you ask me.
STR: Sex? Ice cream?
Scooter: You’re not going to let this go, are you? Okay, if you’re going to make me pick one thing I’d say I miss sleeping. All I knew was the circus and circus life was like prison to me.
STR: Why did you stay in the circus so long if you hated it so much?
Scooter: It might be because most businesses don’t need an expert juggler.
STR: You must have done more than just juggle?
Scooter: Sure, I also taught tiny dogs and monkeys how to juggle. Oh, and I shoveled quite a bit of shit too. That was fun.
STR: What do you say to people who find clowns frightening?
Scooter: I say ‘Fuck you.’ That’s what I say.
STR: So is being dead better? You're pretty angry for a dead clown.
Scooter: Fuck you bird. You don’t know me.
STR: I’m just saying that it seems like being away from your miserable life would lighten your mood a bit.
Scooter: Ever since I took my last breath, there’s been these annoyingly bright ghosty-types who keep comin’ around trying to get me to go with them. And I’m like, ‘Fuck you spirits.’ I think they want me to join a cult.
STR: No, I think they actually want to take you home.
Scooter: Nice try, Slick. For all I know you’re one of them. You cult-loving freak.
STR: Personally, I could care less if you stay here or not.
Scooter: Don’t fuck with me. I’ll punch you.
STR: I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking you this, but do you have any words of wisdom for the living?
Scooter: No.
STR: Brilliant.
Scooter: Nobody helped me out so why should I help them?
STR: Fair enough Scooter. Thanks for your time and don’t drink the kool-aid.
*** ONE WEEK LEFT . . . Don’t forget to cast your vote !! (see last week’s post)
No comments:
Post a Comment