Current mood: perfunctory
A couple of weeks ago during one of my excursions to the spirit world I was approached by the spirit of a squat balding man whose essence radiated the colour of smoked trout.
With a booming voice he said, "I've been looking for you!" He flashed me a cheesy smile and introduced himself, "I'm Murray Feist. I represent famous television actor and heartthrob Michael Landon."
He waited a beat as if making room for my shriek of excitement. When it didn't happen he quickly moved on, "Well, let me get right to the point. I've heard that you're interviewing people for your hugely popular Television Show." He punctuated 'television show' with yet another cheesy smile.
"You mean to tell me that you're Michael Landon's agent?"
"Yes I am," Murray said proudly.
"You know he's dead, don't you?"
"Not to his legions of fans. He's still hugely popular and you'd be lucky to get him on your show."
"I don't have a television show. I write a blog."
"A what? Is that some kind of sea monster?"
"Why does Michael Landon have an agent in the spirit world?"
"Mr. Landon has a new project in the works. It's a reality show called 'Highway in Heaven.' Get it?! It's like a play on his hugely popular television series 'Highway To Heaven'."
Again, Murray waited a beat.
Silence.
He continued his pitch, "Mr. Landon knows how much his talent and kindness, and let's not forget his charming good looks, added to people's lives. Quite simply, he's aware that the world has never been the same without him and he's ready to help the living feel the joy that is Michael Landon once again."
"That's very evolved of him."
"So you'll do it? You'll interview Mr. Landon on your plog?"
"No."
And then it happened. Murray pulled a handful of colorful rubber bands and marbles out of his pocket and taunted me with them. I love rubber bands and marbles. Let it be known that Murray is a bastard.
"Okay," I said, utterly disgusted with myself. "I'll interview Michael Landon." I snatched the rubber bands and marbles from his melon-coloured hand and added them to my rubber band and marble collection.
With apologies . . . I present my interview with Michael Landon:
Michael Landon: It's Michael. Well Steve, I miss my fans! I miss collecting photos of myself, autographing them and giving them to my fans. I love the look of gratitude on the faces of my fans when I hand them one of my signed photos.
STR: Great. Okay, thanks a lot for the interview.
ML: Aren't you going to ask me about my new reality show 'Highway In Heaven'? Super title, isn't it?! It's like a play on my popular television series 'Highway to Heaven.' Unlike the first show where I played the part of an angel helping people, this time I really am an angel helping people!
STR: No Mike. I actually wasn't going to ask you about your new reality show.
ML: (Clearly agitated) Do you know who I am? Do you know how lucky you are to be interviewing me?
STR: Golly, Mike, I'd say that you actually believe that you're an angel in heaven?
ML: Of course I'm in heaven. Where else would I be?
STR: If you weren't still so attached to the earth and your former life you'd know that the heaven you're referring to doesn't exist. I hate to break this to you, but I'd say you're actually only about 17 inches away from physical reality. That would make your soul the consistency of peanut butter. Your hair looks great by the way.
ML: Who do you think you - ?
STR: What do you say we wrap this up Mike? Here's your chance to share something inspirational with the living. What's your parting message?
ML: I'd love to share some good old fashioned advice: Some people are lucky and others aren't. Just don't let it get you down. Remember to keep your chin up.
STR: (After a long pause) Seriously? That's supposed to inspire people?
ML: You bet it will ! If you're one of the unlucky ones I think it helps you cope with your misfortune. I've shared this advice with unlucky people I've known and it really helped them get through tough times.
STR: Right. I'm sure it did. I'm pretty doubtful I'll be able to find a way to shake the bad luck I'm feeling right now.
I promise to interview a more interesting dead person next month.
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