Question #27: How to Overcome Anxiety

Tim's question: Dear Steve, You addressed depression in an earlier post (please refer to 5/31/10 post), but what about anxiety? I have some nasty anxiety and would like to find ways to get beyond it.

Current mood: horizontal

Worry no more, Tim my anxious friend. Help is just a few paragraphs and illustrative photos away!

Anxiety typically results from trying to control things you don't have control of (e.g., the future, other people, going bald, etc.). For some unfortunate folks anxiety becomes so severe that they experience anticipatory anxiety in anticipation of their next episode of anxiety. This is what I call Pre-Coital Cluster Mongolian Mindfuck Catastrophyzing Disorder Syndrome. It's very similar to Restless Leg Syndrome only without the leg movement.

Fortunately the solution to curing anxiety is simple. All you have to do is to put together an Official Anxiety Kit. In no time you'll be associating your Official Anxiety Kit with a sense of Deepak Chopra-like inner calm as it quickly gives you the illusion that you can control your anxiety.

Suggested items for your Official Anxiety Kit include:

Shamrock seeds, safety glasses, a bottle of really nice single malt scotch . . .

and a friend who has a crippling disability:

Instructions for using your Official Anxiety Kit:

1. The next time you feel anxious have a drink.

2. If you believe the stuff you worry about is the result of 'bad luck,' plant your shamrock seeds and tell yourself that when they sprout your life circumstances will turn around in a fantastic manner and that you'll no longer have anything to worry about.

3. If you start worrying about whether or not your shamrock seeds are going to germinate, have another drink.

4. To make yourself feel better about your anxiety disorder make fun of your friend's disability.

5. Have a third drink to forget about how much of a dick you are for making fun of your disabled friend.

6. If you're still plagued by anxious thoughts - thoughts that endlessly loop through your mind like a squeaky gerbil wheel that just keeps turning and turning and turning keeping you up night after night - please use the following FOOL PROOF TIP for ridding yourself of anxiety once and for all:

Listen to the theme song from the hit 1970s television show Green Acres. With just one listen this song is guaranteed to stick to your brain like pink leather chaps on a sweaty otherwise naked gay man who's dancing energetically to 'La Vida Loca.'

Within a month of using your Official Anxiety Kit, you'll be saying 'Goodbye' to your symptoms of anxiety  and 'Hello' to the new friends you'll be meeting at your weekly AA meetings. And who doesn't like having new friends!

Thanks for writing Tim!

Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net