Current mood: toothy
Excellent question RCMan, my friend ! I have a sneaking suspicion that you're not the only human afraid of the possibility of hell. Fortunately, I have an answer that's guaranteed to make your death experience as satisfying as picking dried scabs off your scalp.
There are precisely two ways to ensure that your immortal soul does not end up in the blistering bowels of hell slinging hash for Satan.
1. Drink your own urine.
Everyone is always surprised to learn that urine is naturally flame retardant. If you've led a particularly unsavory life ask a few friends and family members if you can drink their urine too. Unless, of course, they're also trying to stay out of hell and don't want to part with their urine. In which case I'd suggest placing an ad on Craig's List. Here's a sample ad you can use:
Wanted: Atheist's Urine
Former guilt-ridden and brainwashed Catholic looking to consume urine in order to stay out of hell.
Must be local.
** Bonus tip#1: God will give you extra points if you're willing to drink the urine of someone who has a urinary tract infection.
2. Get a lobotomy.
To prevent going to hell, I suggest brain damage. The truth is RCMan, hell is not a place in the spirit world you go to when you die. Hell is a state of mind (and/or the state of New Jersey). There's nothing more hellish than living with poisonous thoughts and emotions. Not only are you no fun at cocktail parties, but you end up not enjoying your life while you're living it. And if you ask me, that's a big fucking waste of a life. You want to stay out of hell? Heal yourself.
** Bonus tip#2: I'll bet you're wondering if Satan is real? You bet he is! Satan is the 'master of deception.' So that means that anyone who's ever told you that there is a hell is Satan. That also means you can refer to politicians, lawyers and members of mainstream newsmedia - with the exception of Jon Stewart - as Satan as well.
I hope my response puts you at ease RCMan !
Send your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
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