Steve the Raven's Guide to the Top 5 Vacation Destinations of 2010

Current mood: stagnant

It's vacation time ! To make your vacation plans easy, I've provided a comprehensive list of amazing vacation experiences that are guaranteed to make you feel proud to be a member of the human race!


#5. Creationist Museum: Bring the bible to life! Located in lovely Petersburg, Kentucky, the Creationist Museum is like taking a time machine back to the biblical era. Find out how natural selection is different from evolution, learn how man befriended the mighty dinosaur and visit the site where Noah's arc was made! The fun doesn't stop there . . . Later this month creationist pioneer Dr Larry Parker will present a lecture about viruses and immunity. He will address the question "Why would a loving and all powerful god create viruses and germs?" Great fucking question Larry! Remember the Creationist Museum motto: 'Leave yer brain at the gate!'

#4. Dollywood: No top 5 vacation list would be complete without including Dolly Parton's famous Tennessee theme park Dollywood! A classic American family attraction that includes fun rides like 'Blazing Fury' where you get to experience what it's like to be burned alive! Have your camera ready for the 'Piggy Parade.' You'll be amazed as hundreds of obese Americans make the trek from the corndog stand to the funnel cake stand and back again. And don't miss the Parade's grand finale as the Piggies mainline vats of Granny Ogle's Ham 'n' Beans under a backdrop of spectacular fireworks.

#3. All I can say is Kentucky is the place to go for amazing museum experiences! Not only is Kentucky the home of our #5 destination, the Creationist Museum, but down the road in Fort Mitchell you can visit the Vent Haven Ventriloquist Museum. After looking at 700 ventriloquist dolls you'll be convinced that god hates humans. A great stop if you have friends or family members diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

#2. Visit the Gulf Coast!  Not only will you be able to start your soon-to-be immensely valuable tar ball collection, but you'll see how extinction works.

And finally, this year's number #1 vacation attraction:
Plastic Island!!

Located in a remote region of the breathtaking Pacific Ocean, this newly discovered toxic paradise of floating garbage will be the hottest destination this summer. Plastic Island, boasting 97 million decadent pounds of trash, has much to offer - not only will you drown in its beauty, but you'll see exotic plastics from around the world. And you also might just find out the answer to the age old question: Does Velveeta float? (Free bottled water provided)