Question #23: What to do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door

David's question: Dear Steve, What should I do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door?

Current mood: trite

I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:

SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)

1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.

2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.

3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."

4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."

GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO

1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"

2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."

3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"

4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"

5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"

6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."

7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"

7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"

8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"

9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"

10. "I find you both really attractive."