Question #36: Practical Solutions for Baldness

Roger's question: Hey Steve, I'm going bald. What can I do?

Current mood: puffy

Golly Roger, that sucks. But have no fear, you've come to the right place. I have a few ideas that will make your baldness a thing of the past.

1. The perfect solution: Bring one of your favourite high school photographs to your local tattoo parlour. Choose a photo of yourself that really demonstrates your peak hair experience. Have the artist tattoo your missing hair on to your scalp. This will give those casting eyes upon you the illusion that you have a full head of hair (unless your head starts to sweat thereby creating an unsightly sheen which will give you the appearance of wearing a strangely thin plastic helmet. Simple solution: carry a towel around your neck during warm weather or rigorous workouts and pat your head dry as needed.)

2. A less permanent, earth friendly and unbelievably nutritious solution: Purchase a sack of chia seeds from your local health food store. Mix 1/2 cup of chia seeds with 2 cups of warm water until a thick gelatinous paste is formed. Spread the paste on your scalp and sit in the sun for three days. In no time you'll be sporting a tidy green afro while at the same time becoming your own eco system.

3. Shoestring budget solution: Purchase some yarn and a glue gun.

4. Captain Kirk solution: Staple a beaver to your head.

Please don't staple a beaver to your head, Roger. It's mean spirited and everyone will know you're trying to hide your baldness.

Thanks for your question !