This month in Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I chat with the 'father of psychoanalysis' Sigmund Freud.
Steve the Raven: So Sigmund, you've been dead for about 70 years now. What do you miss most about being alive?
Sigmund Freud: (writes some notes on a pad) Interesting question. What makes you ask that particular question?
STR: It's the question I always start these interviews with.
SF: Tell me, what do you feel is missing from your life?
STR: I feel like my life would be complete if you answered my question.
SF: I see. How long have you been feeling this way?
STR: About 30 seconds. I'm not your patient. This is an interview.
SF: Hmmmm. (Writes down the word "denial" and underlines it). Tell me more.
STR: I did a little research before meeting with you and found out that your middle name is Schlomo. Did your parents hate you?
SF: Ah, so you feel your parents hate you?
STR: (rolls eyes)
SF: Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word 'parents.'
STR: Motherfucker.
SF: Interesting.
STR: I thought you'd like that.
SF: Please continue.
STR: Let's see. The next thought that pops into my head is: Schlomo is a motherfucker.
SF: What else?
STR: Penis . . . sausage . . . large . . . crooked . . . hung . . .
SF: Go on.
STR: Jung.
SF: (Grimaces)
STR: (Gasps) I think I realized something.
SF: Yes?
STR: Carl Jung was smarter than you.
SF: (Glaring) You're very disturbed.
STR: You seem upset. Did I upset you some how? Don't go.
SF: I'm afraid our time is up.
STR: I remind you of your mother, don't I? You want to marry me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.
SF: (floats away)
STR: (calling after Sigmund) Come back Schlomo. Come back and sit on mommy's lap.
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