Instructions for using your New Prayer Rug
2. Place your New Prayer Rug at one end of a long hallway
3. Invite a friend over to videotape you using your New Prayer Rug
4. Put on your favorite leotard
5. Generously grease both your knees with vegetable oil and/or mayonnaise (DO NOT use Baconnaise unless you're okay with not having your prayers answered and offending Jesus)
6. Place your left foot behind your right ear, as if it were a pencil you didn't need at the moment
7. Place your right foot behind your left ear, as if you had a second unneeded pencil
8. In your loudest Ethel Merman voice sing to Jesus. Tell Jesus how much you love him, especially his eyes.
9. Feel the holy spirit fill you. (Hint: It should feel a little like gas and a little like your skin is on fire, but very relaxing). If you do not feel precisely this way, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
10. At the opposite end of the hallway while facing your New Prayer Rug, let the holy spirit use your body to perform a spectacular dance. One that makes you feel like a woman in a little girl's body.
11. Now, with open arms, run to your messiah. After three running steps fall to your knees and slide toward your saviour in a James Brown manner. (Please note: If the hallway you're using is carpeted be sure and turn your head to the side to prevent breaking your nose.)
12. As you come to a stop yell, "Thank you Jesus!"
13. Will your prayers come true? If you land precisely 5 6/32 inches away from your New Prayer Rug, congratulations! Jesus will answer your prayers. If not, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
Fall back option: If for some reason, your attempt to use your New Prayer Rug fails just send a check for $599 to the 'I Let Jesus Down' Fund. The folks there will ensure that Jesus answers your prayers in 26 business days.
14. Have your friend post your New Prayer Rug experience on YouTube.
Email me with your questions! SteveTheRaven@tds.net
No comments:
Post a Comment