Question #20: Steve's Thoughts on the Oil Spill

Nestor's question: Dear Steve, What are your thoughts on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?

Current mood: slotted

Imagine, if you will Nestor, that you're a voluptuous woman with very large breasts. Maybe you're spending the day at the beach getting some sun. There you are with your eyes closed lying on the warm sand listening to the sound of the waves.

And then from out of nowhere the chunky guy from Passaic wearing the red, white and blue Speedo and hair shirt starts sucking on your breast. Before you can count to 10 there's about 30 people hunched over your prone body sucking on your breasts.

Maybe you tolerate this for a bit. Because it turns out that the sweet elixir your body produces gives people a little more energy while at the same time making them a tad more stupid. People everywhere find that the extra energy allows them to do important things like date-stamp their dog's bowel movements, alphabetize their underwear drawers and knit cozies for their husband's scrotum.

But it reaches a point where it gets out of hand. Not everyone can get a prime breast spot so they start poking the rest of your body with sharp sticks to see if they can harvest more of your milk elsewhere. Grocery shopping becomes a challenge as you try to move down the soup aisle with thousands of people poking at you and sticking straws into your body in order to suck out your precious milk. Eventually the people start getting angry with you when your body doesn't produce - because now they're addicted.

No one ever asked permission. No one ever said, "Hey lady, thanks for the fix!"

Finally your tolerance is gone. In an effort to free yourself from the hungry parasitic milk junkies you shake your body violently. You do this six or seven times. People get hurt. Some die. Stuff gets destroyed. You find that it works for a bit, but sadly they always come back.

They're not getting it.

And then you decide that no one is going to drink your milk anymore. So you purposely let your milk spray out of your body in a dramatic display of waste and lactic destruction . . . all the while screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE."

But no one seems to be listening. Instead, some of the people (aka, the 'save our milk braintrust' special task force headed up by the women's undergarment subcommittee) decide to construct a giant cement bra to contain the oozing milk. An absolutely brilliant idea ! Brilliantly stupid. It's the first time you laugh in months.

And you ask yourself . . . what will it take for these people to get off my tit?

In my opinion, Nestor, it won't be pretty.

Thanks for your question.