Question #29: How to end a bad first date

Liam's question: Dear Steve, You already gave some advice on how to have a good first date. But what if the date is going bad? Maybe you can't wait to get away from the woman you are with. Can you give us some tips on how to end a bad date?


Current mood: fluffy

Excellent question Liam ! You're absolutely right. Sometimes the chemistry between two people just doesn't work. And let's face it, there's really no reason to be a date martyr . . . sticking it out to the bitter end just to be a nice guy, all the while pretending to like the sound of her voice, choking out laughter when she makes a lame joke and not slapping her when she chews with her mouth open. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes large breasts just aren't enough.

Being that I'm a veritable good idea machine, I have just the solution:

Steve The Raven’s Helpful Guide to Gently Ending an Unsuccessful First Date (I suggest printing out a copy of this guide so that you can have it with you at all times).

Of course, you could always excuse yourself to use the restroom and then not come back. But that's the easy way out and it makes you the bad guy, which can in turn hurt your reputation. The following suggestions are designed to inspire your companion to be the one to end the date, thereby making her the bad guy while allowing you to go home feeling great about yourself.

Important instructions for using STR's Helpful Guide to Gently Ending an Unsuccessful First Date: Only use one technique at a time.

- Make plastic surgery suggestions.

- Pretend you’re a robot.

- Become suddenly catatonic.

- Talk in vivid detail about how much you enjoy masturbating.

- Projectile vomit (chugging tequila guarantees this - I saw it on YouTube)

- Talk about your mother's breasts.

- Tell her that this is the first time you've been out with a woman who doesn't have sores on her mouth.

- Show her the little comb you use to brush the crabs out of your pubic hair.

- Ask to borrow $2000.

- Pretend you're really angry. (Helpful Hint: talk through clenched teeth like Clint Eastwood)

- After dinner is served tell her about your favourite new foreign movie: The Human Centipede.

- Breathe through your mouth.

- Tell her the following knock-knock jokes laughing hysterically after each one.

Knock, knock Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready.

Knock, knock Who's there? Adolf. Adolf who? Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way.

Knock, Knock. Who's there? I love. I love who? I don't know, you tell me!

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo, who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Easter. Easter, who? The Easter Bunny.

Knock, knock Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad you're not a human Centipede?

- Ask her if after dinner she'd do you the honour of letting you floss her teeth.

- Confess that you've been watching her for a very long time and how you don't approve of any of the men she's been spending time with.

- Ask her if after dinner you can move in with her.

Before you know it Liam, your bad dating experience will be a distant memory.