Question #38: Steve's Biggest Pet Peeve

J8N's question: What's your biggest pet peeve Steve the Raven?

Current mood: cockled

I'm afraid that's one of the easiest questions I'll ever answer J8N. Hands down, my biggest pet peeve is littering. And I'm not the only Corvid who feels this way. In fact, the reason you'll see groups of us huddled on the side of the road picking at garbage is because we're cleaning up after you (while at the same time feasting on a nourishing Burger King snack). Littering is the ultimate in disrespect and should be punishable by death.

I realize, though, that not all of you are guilty of this unforgiveable crime. The type of litter we typically find speaks volumes about who's responsible (e.g., cigarette butts, empty cigarette packs, big gulp containers, piss-water brand beer cans/bottles [brewed with genuine beer extract], wrappers from fast food restaurants, losing scratch off instant lottery tickets, etc). You get the picture. I now have a deeper understanding of why this particular group is referred to as White Trash.

Cue Rant: What the fuck is SO TERRIBLY impossible about keeping your ridiculous trash inside your ridiculous 1996 'Support Our Troops/Dale Earnhardt' stamped Chevy-piece-of-shit-Cavalier? Because I'm sure the inside of your car is Martha Stewart clean. Or maybe you're trying to make a good impression for your big television debut when TLC's "Hoarders: Buried Alive" tapes at your double wide next week?

Fucking red necks.

Steve the Raven's Guide to Having a Successful First Date

Current mood: magenta

Now that you’ve successfully gotten your special lady’s attention (please refer to my 7/18/10 post), it’s time to show her an excellent time. As promised,

Steve the Raven’s Guide to Having a Successful First Date
I'm confident that if you follow these guidelines you'll have a terrific first date experience.

• Bring your ant farm to dinner. She’ll love that you’re an outdoorsman.
• Show an interest in your date. Create a photo album of your favourite hair styles and suggest which one she should try the next time you see her.
• Be mysterious. Blindfold her when she gets in your car.
• Share your proudest moments (i.e., 'I haven’t gambled in a week'; 'I had a brief television appearance on COPS in the 90s'; 'I helped a Nigerian diplomat's daughter access her inheritance'; 'When I was 38, I stuffed 18 miniature marshmallows up each nostril and then shot them cannon-like into a small clam bucket'; etc.).
• Bring her a gift. If you’re crafty, you can decoupage pictures of yourself onto a shoebox or carve a face into an apple. If you’re not crafty, give her an engagement ring or some marbles.
• Reveal your nostalgic side by showing her your collection of toenail clippings and dead skin (Martha Stewart-inspired idea: Present them in your decoupage shoebox!).
• Discuss current events. Let her know about road construction projects you’re aware of.
• Show your economical side by bringing a sandwich to the restaurant.
• Show your generous side . . . share your sandwich with her.
• Let her know that you learn from your mistakes. Create a bar graph or colourful pie chart that demonstrates why your previous relationships failed.
• Be classy. Wear a shiny cape.
• Make her feel important. Ask her to co-sign on a personal loan for a speedboat (Bonus Tip: This will also let you know if she has good credit for future purchases you'd like to make).
• Be courteous. If your date looks tired offer to carry her from the car into the movie theatre and/or restaurant (especially if she's blindfolded).
• And to make the evening complete, offer your date $100 cash for spending time with you

 Let me know how it goes stevetheraven@tds.net