Sunday, June 27, 2010
Steve Interviews Ludwig van Beethoven
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Sunday, June 20, 2010
Question #23: What to do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door
David's question: Dear Steve, What should I do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door?
Current mood: trite
I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)
1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.
2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.
3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."
4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."
GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO
1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"
2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."
3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"
4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"
5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"
6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."
7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"
7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"
8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"
9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"
10. "I find you both really attractive."
Current mood: trite
I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)
1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.
2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.
3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."
4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."
GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO
1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"
2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."
3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"
4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"
5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"
6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."
7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"
7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"
8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"
9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"
10. "I find you both really attractive."
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Conversation with an Angry Tea Bagger
Current mood: slick
It seems I've ruffled some feathers once again (no pun intended). Last week's post resulted in the following internet chat exchange with a passionate patriot:
Freedom Fighter: UR a communist pig
Steve the Raven: Wrong on both accounts, my freedom fighting friend. I'm actually an apolitical bird.
FF: You can't write the kind of BS you wrote on that blog of yours last week and not be a communist.
STR: Sure, I can. I can both write my blog and not be a communist.
FF: How dare you disrespect the founding fathers of the United States of America.
STR: Unfortunately your warning comes too late. I've already done it. Would you like a copy of my new book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality when it comes out as a consolation?
FF: It's people like you-
STR: I'm a bird
FF: - who want to throw away the freedom that this great country of ours was founded on
STR: Have you considered the possibility that you don't know what you're talking about?
FF: UR on drugs
STR: 'Your' country was founded on greed, not freedom. Quite a few of the founding fathers were wealthy slave owners. Hmmm . . . I wonder how free the Africans and the Indians felt at the time?
FF: It's because of the Founding Fathers that I'm living the American Dream and so are you!!!
STR: Ah, yes the American dream. The pursuit of happiness.
FF: You got it!
STR: How much debt do you have?
FF: What does that have to do with anything?
STR: Debt = the "new" slavery
FF: WTF?
STR: Allow me to illustrate using a very precise mathematical formula I created.
Middle Income American Dream:
Birth + Student loan(s) + Loan for SUV + Mortgage + equity line of credit + credit card (fuel to run your SUV + weekly tanning bed sessions + annual trip to Cabo + monthly subscription to the 'She-Males Gone Wild' website) + second mortgage - Illusion of Freedom ÷ you're screwed = the "new" slavery
Low Income American Dream:
Birth = you're screwed
High Income American Dream:
Middle Class America's pursuit of happiness + illegal aliens' pursuit of happiness (+ strong work ethic) = guaranteed happiness for wealthy Americans + meticulously landscaped lawns
FF: Everyone has the same opportunity to be successful
STR: Is it considered incest if Uncle Sam is your pimp?
FF: prick
STR: What do you say we sing a song to celebrate your freedom?! I'll start and you can join in whenever you like . . ."Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Coming for to carry me home . . ."
It seems I've ruffled some feathers once again (no pun intended). Last week's post resulted in the following internet chat exchange with a passionate patriot:
Freedom Fighter: UR a communist pig
Steve the Raven: Wrong on both accounts, my freedom fighting friend. I'm actually an apolitical bird.
FF: You can't write the kind of BS you wrote on that blog of yours last week and not be a communist.
STR: Sure, I can. I can both write my blog and not be a communist.
FF: How dare you disrespect the founding fathers of the United States of America.
STR: Unfortunately your warning comes too late. I've already done it. Would you like a copy of my new book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality when it comes out as a consolation?
FF: It's people like you-
STR: I'm a bird
FF: - who want to throw away the freedom that this great country of ours was founded on
STR: Have you considered the possibility that you don't know what you're talking about?
FF: UR on drugs
STR: 'Your' country was founded on greed, not freedom. Quite a few of the founding fathers were wealthy slave owners. Hmmm . . . I wonder how free the Africans and the Indians felt at the time?
FF: It's because of the Founding Fathers that I'm living the American Dream and so are you!!!
STR: Ah, yes the American dream. The pursuit of happiness.
FF: You got it!
STR: How much debt do you have?
FF: What does that have to do with anything?
STR: Debt = the "new" slavery
FF: WTF?
STR: Allow me to illustrate using a very precise mathematical formula I created.
Middle Income American Dream:
Birth + Student loan(s) + Loan for SUV + Mortgage + equity line of credit + credit card (fuel to run your SUV + weekly tanning bed sessions + annual trip to Cabo + monthly subscription to the 'She-Males Gone Wild' website) + second mortgage - Illusion of Freedom ÷ you're screwed = the "new" slavery
Low Income American Dream:
Birth = you're screwed
High Income American Dream:
Middle Class America's pursuit of happiness + illegal aliens' pursuit of happiness (+ strong work ethic) = guaranteed happiness for wealthy Americans + meticulously landscaped lawns
FF: Everyone has the same opportunity to be successful
STR: Is it considered incest if Uncle Sam is your pimp?
FF: prick
STR: What do you say we sing a song to celebrate your freedom?! I'll start and you can join in whenever you like . . ."Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Coming for to carry me home . . ."
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Question #22: The Tea Party Movement
LittleSamurai's question: Steve, What are your thoughts on the Tea Party movement?
Current mood: kumquat
My dear LittleSamurai, questions like yours inspire me to tell my favourite bedtime story.
Once upon a time there was a faraway land of exquisite beauty and bountiful resources. It was a new world. A veritable paradise rich with possibilities . . .
Upon discovering this wondrous place, legions of fair-skinned people from the old world made the treacherous journey across the great sea armed with only dreams of creating a new kind of empire - a realm where everyone, regardless of their economic status, skin colour, religious beliefs, fashion sense, sexual orientation, musical tastes or political leanings could live in complete freedom.
But the newcomers ran into a slight obstacle when they arrived. There were people already living in this magical place.
No problem.
The newcomers got right to work creating fantastic relationships and communities with the native people. They worked side-by-side sharing ideas and skills and wonderful feasts. However, there was a lot of work to do. So, many of the newcomers invited their black skinned brothers and sisters to the new world to help make their innovative endeavor a great success! On the distant shores of a place called Africa they said, "Come help us black skinned ones! We've got to pave the way for our dreams of prosperity. You see, we have this idea for a chain of fast food restaurants. A wonderful eatery where a friendly and not at all creepy clown with bright red hair and a puffy yellow outfit will serve you a 'happy meal!'" How could the dark skinned people turn down an offer like that? It was truly a magical time.
After many years and many triumphs, a group of very important men gathered with the intention of putting into writing the ideals of this great new nation. When they finished their project they stepped back and shook their heads in amazement. One of the men addressed the group with tears in his eyes. He said, "Gentlemen, this document is truly magnificent. A thing of beauty. I stand before you with a great sense of pride. For this document leads us to believe that we're really a swell group of forward thinkers. On this day I predict that the more we read this document - and really start to believe that it's true - the more we'll find it's okay that our actions don't live up to our ideals."
His voice rose with the excitement of a priest at a boy scout convention, "I believe this document will give us, and generations to come, freedom from internal dissonance. The words we've authored on this extraordinary day will make it okay to be the dicks that we are!"
And a very select few lived happily ever after . . .
(This story was taken from Steve The Raven's soon to be released book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality)
Got a question? stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: kumquat
My dear LittleSamurai, questions like yours inspire me to tell my favourite bedtime story.
Once upon a time there was a faraway land of exquisite beauty and bountiful resources. It was a new world. A veritable paradise rich with possibilities . . .
Upon discovering this wondrous place, legions of fair-skinned people from the old world made the treacherous journey across the great sea armed with only dreams of creating a new kind of empire - a realm where everyone, regardless of their economic status, skin colour, religious beliefs, fashion sense, sexual orientation, musical tastes or political leanings could live in complete freedom.
But the newcomers ran into a slight obstacle when they arrived. There were people already living in this magical place.
No problem.
The newcomers got right to work creating fantastic relationships and communities with the native people. They worked side-by-side sharing ideas and skills and wonderful feasts. However, there was a lot of work to do. So, many of the newcomers invited their black skinned brothers and sisters to the new world to help make their innovative endeavor a great success! On the distant shores of a place called Africa they said, "Come help us black skinned ones! We've got to pave the way for our dreams of prosperity. You see, we have this idea for a chain of fast food restaurants. A wonderful eatery where a friendly and not at all creepy clown with bright red hair and a puffy yellow outfit will serve you a 'happy meal!'" How could the dark skinned people turn down an offer like that? It was truly a magical time.
After many years and many triumphs, a group of very important men gathered with the intention of putting into writing the ideals of this great new nation. When they finished their project they stepped back and shook their heads in amazement. One of the men addressed the group with tears in his eyes. He said, "Gentlemen, this document is truly magnificent. A thing of beauty. I stand before you with a great sense of pride. For this document leads us to believe that we're really a swell group of forward thinkers. On this day I predict that the more we read this document - and really start to believe that it's true - the more we'll find it's okay that our actions don't live up to our ideals."
His voice rose with the excitement of a priest at a boy scout convention, "I believe this document will give us, and generations to come, freedom from internal dissonance. The words we've authored on this extraordinary day will make it okay to be the dicks that we are!"
And a very select few lived happily ever after . . .
(This story was taken from Steve The Raven's soon to be released book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality)
Got a question? stevetheraven@tds.net
Monday, May 31, 2010
Question #21: How to Overcome Depression
Current mood: maple
Darlene's question: Dear Steve, I've been depressed for most of my life. How do you overcome depression?
I have two words for you, Darlene, my friend: tiny rats.
I'll bet you're curious how tiny rats can pull you out of your depression. Here's what you need you to do:
1. After purchasing a handful of tiny rats, don't feed them for a week. Let them get good and hungry.
2. When you're ready, take off your shoes and socks and set the rats free.
3. You'll notice that the rats start hungrily eating the flesh on your feet. You'll also begin to notice that your focus shifts to the increasing pain in your feet. This is where the tiny rats really work their magic!
Since chronic depression is a problem that stems from the habit of negative thinking, with a particular emphasis on the past (i.e., asking yourself questions like "why did this happen to me?" or "what if I'd done xyz instead?") and deeply ingrained self-defeating belief systems (i.e., "nothing ever goes my way," "I'm not good enough," etc.), the tiny rats bring your focus to the moment at hand. That's where you want your focus to be! (cue: Oprah's audience) At the risk of getting all Eckhart Tolle on you, NOW is the only thing that exists. (Oprah points and excitedly yells to individuals in her audience, "You get a tiny rat! You get a tiny rat! Everybody gets tiny rats!")
How do you spell relief? That's right, tiny rats !
***Please note: This treatment is not recommended for people with anxiety
Email your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Darlene's question: Dear Steve, I've been depressed for most of my life. How do you overcome depression?
I have two words for you, Darlene, my friend: tiny rats.
1. After purchasing a handful of tiny rats, don't feed them for a week. Let them get good and hungry.
2. When you're ready, take off your shoes and socks and set the rats free.
3. You'll notice that the rats start hungrily eating the flesh on your feet. You'll also begin to notice that your focus shifts to the increasing pain in your feet. This is where the tiny rats really work their magic!
Since chronic depression is a problem that stems from the habit of negative thinking, with a particular emphasis on the past (i.e., asking yourself questions like "why did this happen to me?" or "what if I'd done xyz instead?") and deeply ingrained self-defeating belief systems (i.e., "nothing ever goes my way," "I'm not good enough," etc.), the tiny rats bring your focus to the moment at hand. That's where you want your focus to be! (cue: Oprah's audience) At the risk of getting all Eckhart Tolle on you, NOW is the only thing that exists. (Oprah points and excitedly yells to individuals in her audience, "You get a tiny rat! You get a tiny rat! Everybody gets tiny rats!")
4. After several days, your depression treatment will be complete.
How do you spell relief? That's right, tiny rats !
***Please note: This treatment is not recommended for people with anxiety
Email your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Sunday, May 23, 2010
How to Use Your New Prayer Rug !
Current mood: consecrated
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Place your New Prayer Rug at one end of a long hallway
3. Invite a friend over to videotape you using your New Prayer Rug
4. Put on your favorite leotard
5. Generously grease both your knees with vegetable oil and/or mayonnaise (DO NOT use Baconnaise unless you're okay with not having your prayers answered and offending Jesus)
6. Place your left foot behind your right ear, as if it were a pencil you didn't need at the moment
7. Place your right foot behind your left ear, as if you had a second unneeded pencil
8. In your loudest Ethel Merman voice sing to Jesus. Tell Jesus how much you love him, especially his eyes.
9. Feel the holy spirit fill you. (Hint: It should feel a little like gas and a little like your skin is on fire, but very relaxing). If you do not feel precisely this way, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
10. At the opposite end of the hallway while facing your New Prayer Rug, let the holy spirit use your body to perform a spectacular dance. One that makes you feel like a woman in a little girl's body.
11. Now, with open arms, run to your messiah. After three running steps fall to your knees and slide toward your saviour in a James Brown manner. (Please note: If the hallway you're using is carpeted be sure and turn your head to the side to prevent breaking your nose.)
12. As you come to a stop yell, "Thank you Jesus!"
13. Will your prayers come true? If you land precisely 5 6/32 inches away from your New Prayer Rug, congratulations! Jesus will answer your prayers. If not, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
Fall back option: If for some reason, your attempt to use your New Prayer Rug fails just send a check for $599 to the 'I Let Jesus Down' Fund. The folks there will ensure that Jesus answers your prayers in 26 business days.
14. Have your friend post your New Prayer Rug experience on YouTube.
Email me with your questions! SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Instructions for using your New Prayer Rug
2. Place your New Prayer Rug at one end of a long hallway
3. Invite a friend over to videotape you using your New Prayer Rug
4. Put on your favorite leotard
5. Generously grease both your knees with vegetable oil and/or mayonnaise (DO NOT use Baconnaise unless you're okay with not having your prayers answered and offending Jesus)
6. Place your left foot behind your right ear, as if it were a pencil you didn't need at the moment
7. Place your right foot behind your left ear, as if you had a second unneeded pencil
8. In your loudest Ethel Merman voice sing to Jesus. Tell Jesus how much you love him, especially his eyes.
9. Feel the holy spirit fill you. (Hint: It should feel a little like gas and a little like your skin is on fire, but very relaxing). If you do not feel precisely this way, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
10. At the opposite end of the hallway while facing your New Prayer Rug, let the holy spirit use your body to perform a spectacular dance. One that makes you feel like a woman in a little girl's body.
11. Now, with open arms, run to your messiah. After three running steps fall to your knees and slide toward your saviour in a James Brown manner. (Please note: If the hallway you're using is carpeted be sure and turn your head to the side to prevent breaking your nose.)
12. As you come to a stop yell, "Thank you Jesus!"
13. Will your prayers come true? If you land precisely 5 6/32 inches away from your New Prayer Rug, congratulations! Jesus will answer your prayers. If not, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.
Fall back option: If for some reason, your attempt to use your New Prayer Rug fails just send a check for $599 to the 'I Let Jesus Down' Fund. The folks there will ensure that Jesus answers your prayers in 26 business days.
14. Have your friend post your New Prayer Rug experience on YouTube.
Email me with your questions! SteveTheRaven@tds.net
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Common Internet Acronyms
Current mood: manganese
STEVE THE RAVEN'S USEFUL GUIDE TO COMMON INTERNET ACRONYMS (STR's UGTCIA)
LOL: Laughing out loud
WTF: What the fuck
SWD: Smirking with Disdain
IHASIMA: I have a splinter in my anus
MGJF: My grandmother just farted
WOOTP: We're out of toilet paper
MYSKY: Maybe you should kill yourself
YRI2B+IOM: Your rectum is too big and it offends me
SLM: Shrimps Lo Mein
MALLCC: My ass looks like cottage cheese
MNOLY: Maybe no one likes you
MNIWASWS: My nose is whistling a Stevie Wonder song
IPOME+STTU: I'm pulling out my eyelashes and sending them to you
MART: My anus really tingles
URHI2BFYB: Your head is too big for your body
PMMNH: Praying makes my nipples hard
MTRMILF: Monster Truck Rally Mom I'd like to fuck
IBURU: I bet you're ugly
MLASF: My left armpit smells funny
URASMF: You are a Stupid motherfucker
MRKFOOMP: My rectum keeps falling out of my pants
DUHAS?: Do you have a stapler?
FS: Fuck skin
SOS, IC: Help, I'm choking.
JMC: Join my cult!
JN-GFRM: Join now - Get a free rib massage
MPMMNIHP: My priest molested me and now I have polyps
SLT: Saucy Little Tart
DIWAD: Dave, I want a divorce
BIM - MLKFO: Back in a minute - my left kidney fell out
CISSRN: Can't, I'm stalking Susan right now
CS: Canker Sore
HDIF2BSW?: How does it feel to be so wrong?
IHSIMP: I'm hungry so I'm making pancakes
MGRITT: The government is reading my thoughts (Scrambled)
DFU?: Do flies urinate?
JWS: Jesus would swallow
MISOO?: Might I suggest olive oil?
STEVE THE RAVEN'S USEFUL GUIDE TO COMMON INTERNET ACRONYMS (STR's UGTCIA)
LOL: Laughing out loud
WTF: What the fuck
SWD: Smirking with Disdain
IHASIMA: I have a splinter in my anus
MGJF: My grandmother just farted
WOOTP: We're out of toilet paper
MYSKY: Maybe you should kill yourself
YRI2B+IOM: Your rectum is too big and it offends me
SLM: Shrimps Lo Mein
MALLCC: My ass looks like cottage cheese
MNOLY: Maybe no one likes you
MNIWASWS: My nose is whistling a Stevie Wonder song
IPOME+STTU: I'm pulling out my eyelashes and sending them to you
MART: My anus really tingles
URHI2BFYB: Your head is too big for your body
PMMNH: Praying makes my nipples hard
MTRMILF: Monster Truck Rally Mom I'd like to fuck
IBURU: I bet you're ugly
MLASF: My left armpit smells funny
URASMF: You are a Stupid motherfucker
MRKFOOMP: My rectum keeps falling out of my pants
DUHAS?: Do you have a stapler?
FS: Fuck skin
SOS, IC: Help, I'm choking.
JMC: Join my cult!
JN-GFRM: Join now - Get a free rib massage
MPMMNIHP: My priest molested me and now I have polyps
SLT: Saucy Little Tart
DIWAD: Dave, I want a divorce
BIM - MLKFO: Back in a minute - my left kidney fell out
CISSRN: Can't, I'm stalking Susan right now
CS: Canker Sore
HDIF2BSW?: How does it feel to be so wrong?
IHSIMP: I'm hungry so I'm making pancakes
MGRITT: The government is reading my thoughts (Scrambled)
DFU?: Do flies urinate?
JWS: Jesus would swallow
MISOO?: Might I suggest olive oil?
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