Question #28: Overcoming Boredom

Jewel’s question: i’m bored

Current mood: spicy

My Dearest Jewel,

Although I have a difficult time understanding the concept of boredom and actually feel compelled to peck out your eyeballs for not having the imagination or motivation to take full advantage of living on this incredible planet, I think I have a solution that will most definitely add a hefty dose of adventure and fun to your life while also helping you to grow as a person: Get your neckerchief pressed Jewel because you're going to join the Cub Scouts!

I've been a Cub Scout for almost a year now and all I can say is Wow! I've never been exposed to so many beneficial, mind blowing experiences.

To give you a little taste, the following are a few of the activities you'll soon be enjoying:

Pooh Sticks  In this game each Cub Scout takes a shit on a paper plate and then impales his excrement with sticks found in the back yard. The scout with the most sticks wins!

Bombs and Shields  In this game Cub Scouts learn the value of teamwork. The Den leader plays the role of "The Bomber." To prepare, The Bomber puts on dark sunglasses, a gray hooded sweatshirt and collects a pile of rocks the size of his fist. The Scouts are paired off - one Scout is "The Target" while the other is "The Shield." When The Bomber yells "Go," he begins throwing rocks at The Target while The Target uses his partner as a Shield of protection. If The Bomber hits a Target he gets a point, but if The Shield is hit instead The Target gets a point. (This game is typically followed by Basic First Aid Practice.)

Jimmy Jimmy Activity This game prepares young boys for manhood. It involves learning various self pleasuring techniques while reciting the chant "Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Woop, Jimmy, Woop, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy." Although this activity made me feel a little uncomfortable, the other Scouts sure seemed to enjoy it.

Macaroni Art  For this activity Scouts are given uncooked macaroni, glue and construction paper and then are instructed to use their materials to create a picture of a one-celled animal. Here's one I created:

I can't wait to hear about your adventures in Cub Scouting Jewel! Let me know how it goes?

Have a question? Email me SteveTheRaven@tds.net

Show Your Support! Sponsor an Illegal Alien

Current mood: octagonal

Looking for a way to help those less fortunate? I recommend Families for Alien Refugees in Transition. With illegal aliens being a topic of much debate these days, F.A.R.T. helps connect parentless alien children with families and resources in an effort to infuse some stability into their fragile little lives.

There are two ways to get involved: One way is to sponsor an alien child by sending a monthly donation. In return you'll receive a photo of the alien child your generosity is helping as well as biannual reports about the child's progress. Or if you feel moved to help completely transform an alien child's life you can become a foster parent!

Here's a sample of some the alien children you can help right now:

ALISON
- Rescued from a travelling circus in Holland

- Eats tree bark

- Molts 2 times a year

- Communicates by emitting a high-pitched screech

- Sleeps in water

- Afraid of men and women

TWITCH

- Born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

- Has a severe facial tic

- Fluent in French and German

- Deported from Arizona

- Eats paper

- Enjoys knitting

REGGIE
- Rescued from a secret government laboratory

- Has many tiny sharp teeth and low self esteem

- Poops fire

- Is an excellent mimic

- Speaks English with a Dean Martin accent

- Wants to drive a school bus when he grows up


Learn how your family can help by calling (800) 866-FART

Question #27: How to Overcome Anxiety

Tim's question: Dear Steve, You addressed depression in an earlier post (please refer to 5/31/10 post), but what about anxiety? I have some nasty anxiety and would like to find ways to get beyond it.

Current mood: horizontal

Worry no more, Tim my anxious friend. Help is just a few paragraphs and illustrative photos away!

Anxiety typically results from trying to control things you don't have control of (e.g., the future, other people, going bald, etc.). For some unfortunate folks anxiety becomes so severe that they experience anticipatory anxiety in anticipation of their next episode of anxiety. This is what I call Pre-Coital Cluster Mongolian Mindfuck Catastrophyzing Disorder Syndrome. It's very similar to Restless Leg Syndrome only without the leg movement.

Fortunately the solution to curing anxiety is simple. All you have to do is to put together an Official Anxiety Kit. In no time you'll be associating your Official Anxiety Kit with a sense of Deepak Chopra-like inner calm as it quickly gives you the illusion that you can control your anxiety.

Suggested items for your Official Anxiety Kit include:

Shamrock seeds, safety glasses, a bottle of really nice single malt scotch . . .

and a friend who has a crippling disability:

Instructions for using your Official Anxiety Kit:

1. The next time you feel anxious have a drink.

2. If you believe the stuff you worry about is the result of 'bad luck,' plant your shamrock seeds and tell yourself that when they sprout your life circumstances will turn around in a fantastic manner and that you'll no longer have anything to worry about.

3. If you start worrying about whether or not your shamrock seeds are going to germinate, have another drink.

4. To make yourself feel better about your anxiety disorder make fun of your friend's disability.

5. Have a third drink to forget about how much of a dick you are for making fun of your disabled friend.

6. If you're still plagued by anxious thoughts - thoughts that endlessly loop through your mind like a squeaky gerbil wheel that just keeps turning and turning and turning keeping you up night after night - please use the following FOOL PROOF TIP for ridding yourself of anxiety once and for all:

Listen to the theme song from the hit 1970s television show Green Acres. With just one listen this song is guaranteed to stick to your brain like pink leather chaps on a sweaty otherwise naked gay man who's dancing energetically to 'La Vida Loca.'

Within a month of using your Official Anxiety Kit, you'll be saying 'Goodbye' to your symptoms of anxiety  and 'Hello' to the new friends you'll be meeting at your weekly AA meetings. And who doesn't like having new friends!

Thanks for writing Tim!

Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net

Steve the Raven's Guide to Having a Successful First Date

Current mood: magenta

Now that you’ve successfully gotten your special lady’s attention (please refer to my 7/18/10 post), it’s time to show her an excellent time. As promised,

Steve the Raven’s Guide to Having a Successful First Date
I'm confident that if you follow these guidelines you'll have a terrific first date experience.

• Bring your ant farm to dinner. She’ll love that you’re an outdoorsman.
• Show an interest in your date. Create a photo album of your favourite hair styles and suggest which one she should try the next time you see her.
• Be mysterious. Blindfold her when she gets in your car.
• Share your proudest moments (i.e., 'I haven’t gambled in a week'; 'I had a brief television appearance on COPS in the 90s'; 'I helped a Nigerian diplomat's daughter access her inheritance'; 'When I was 38, I stuffed 18 miniature marshmallows up each nostril and then shot them cannon-like into a small clam bucket'; etc.).
• Bring her a gift. If you’re crafty, you can decoupage pictures of yourself onto a shoebox or carve a face into an apple. If you’re not crafty, give her an engagement ring or some marbles.
• Reveal your nostalgic side by showing her your collection of toenail clippings and dead skin (Martha Stewart-inspired idea: Present them in your decoupage shoebox!).
• Discuss current events. Let her know about road construction projects you’re aware of.
• Show your economical side by bringing a sandwich to the restaurant.
• Show your generous side . . . share your sandwich with her.
• Let her know that you learn from your mistakes. Create a bar graph or colourful pie chart that demonstrates why your previous relationships failed.
• Be classy. Wear a shiny cape.
• Make her feel important. Ask her to co-sign on a personal loan for a speedboat (Bonus Tip: This will also let you know if she has good credit for future purchases you'd like to make).
• Be courteous. If your date looks tired offer to carry her from the car into the movie theatre and/or restaurant (especially if she's blindfolded).
• And to make the evening complete, offer your date $100 cash for spending time with you

 Let me know how it goes stevetheraven@tds.net

Steve Interviews TV's Michael Landon

In this month's Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I reluctantly interview TV's Michael Landon.

Current mood: perfunctory

A couple of weeks ago during one of my excursions to the spirit world I was approached by the spirit of a squat balding man whose essence radiated the colour of smoked trout.

With a booming voice he said, "I've been looking for you!" He flashed me a cheesy smile and introduced himself, "I'm Murray Feist. I represent famous television actor and heartthrob Michael Landon."

He waited a beat as if making room for my shriek of excitement. When it didn't happen he quickly moved on, "Well, let me get right to the point. I've heard that you're interviewing people for your hugely popular Television Show." He punctuated 'television show' with yet another cheesy smile.

"You mean to tell me that you're Michael Landon's agent?"

"Yes I am," Murray said proudly.

"You know he's dead, don't you?"

"Not to his legions of fans. He's still hugely popular and you'd be lucky to get him on your show."

"I don't have a television show. I write a blog."

"A what? Is that some kind of sea monster?"

"Why does Michael Landon have an agent in the spirit world?"

"Mr. Landon has a new project in the works. It's a reality show called 'Highway in Heaven.' Get it?! It's like a play on his hugely popular television series 'Highway To Heaven'."

Again, Murray waited a beat.

Silence.

He continued his pitch, "Mr. Landon knows how much his talent and kindness, and let's not forget his charming good looks, added to people's lives. Quite simply, he's aware that the world has never been the same without him and he's ready to help the living feel the joy that is Michael Landon once again."

"That's very evolved of him."

"So you'll do it? You'll interview Mr. Landon on your plog?"

"No."

And then it happened. Murray pulled a handful of colorful rubber bands and marbles out of his pocket and taunted me with them. I love rubber bands and marbles. Let it be known that Murray is a bastard.

"Okay," I said, utterly disgusted with myself. "I'll interview Michael Landon." I snatched the rubber bands and marbles from his melon-coloured hand and added them to my rubber band and marble collection.

With apologies . . . I present my interview with Michael Landon:

Steve the Raven: So Mike, what do you miss about being alive?

Michael Landon: It's Michael. Well Steve, I miss my fans! I miss collecting photos of myself, autographing them and giving them to my fans. I love the look of gratitude on the faces of my fans when I hand them one of my signed photos.

STR: Great. Okay, thanks a lot for the interview.

ML: Aren't you going to ask me about my new reality show 'Highway In Heaven'? Super title, isn't it?! It's like a play on my popular television series 'Highway to Heaven.' Unlike the first show where I played the part of an angel helping people, this time I really am an angel helping people!

STR: No Mike. I actually wasn't going to ask you about your new reality show.

ML: (Clearly agitated) Do you know who I am? Do you know how lucky you are to be interviewing me?

STR: Golly, Mike, I'd say that you actually believe that you're an angel in heaven?

ML: Of course I'm in heaven. Where else would I be?

STR: If you weren't still so attached to the earth and your former life you'd know that the heaven you're referring to doesn't exist. I hate to break this to you, but I'd say you're actually only about 17 inches away from physical reality. That would make your soul the consistency of peanut butter. Your hair looks great by the way.

ML: Who do you think you - ?

STR: What do you say we wrap this up Mike? Here's your chance to share something inspirational with the living. What's your parting message?

ML: I'd love to share some good old fashioned advice: Some people are lucky and others aren't. Just don't let it get you down. Remember to keep your chin up.

STR: (After a long pause) Seriously? That's supposed to inspire people?

ML: You bet it will ! If you're one of the unlucky ones I think it helps you cope with your misfortune. I've shared this advice with unlucky people I've known and it really helped them get through tough times.

STR: Right. I'm sure it did. I'm pretty doubtful I'll be able to find a way to shake the bad luck I'm feeling right now.

I promise to interview a more interesting dead person next month.