Current mood: crusty
James Gandolfini
How about you? Post a picture of you in your costume in the comments section below or on the Facebook Just Ask Steve fan page.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Question #33: Who is Steve going to be for Halloween?
Moonstruck's question: Hey Steve - Who are U going to be 4 Halloween this year?
Current mood: crusty
Current mood: crusty
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Question #32: Have aliens taken over?
Nakedeye's question: i'll get right to the point, can you tell me if the governments of the world are being run by shapeshifting reptilian aliens? my personal theory is that aliens are the cause of all the conflict and that their goal is to make us afraid and then they feed off the fear and get stronger so that they can take over the human race
Current mood: Kenyan
That's quite a question Nakedeye. My brain almost seized from the lack of punctuation.
Although I can understand the appeal of wanting to blame the world's troubles and mindboggling idiocy on an evil race of aliens, I'm afraid I can't support you on this one, SpaceMan.
The folks in charge may not be aliens, but they're certainly operating from their reptilian brains. What I believe you're witnessing and trying to come to grips with, Nakedeye, is the primitive character demonstrated by the leaders of the political, corporate and financial worlds. What I'm trying to say is that these folks aren't very highly evolved. If you strip away all the pomp and circumstance you'll find that most of their decisions are driven by barbaric desires - greed, power, status and sex.
Every thought, every feeling, every impulse you've collectively had . . . every decision, every action, every plan you've collectively made, since the beginning of time, has led the human race to where it is right now: The intersection of "Happy Meal Boulevard" and "Apathy Drive" in downtown Batshit. Population: 6.7 billion (Just south of the Mall of America).
The good news is that only 80 percent of the human race falls into the 'not very evolved' category. And I think it's safe to say that those falling into this category are most definitely not fans of Just Ask Steve. My readers are not only more evolved, but are also very intelligent and attractive.
Thanks for your question Nakedeye !
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: Kenyan
That's quite a question Nakedeye. My brain almost seized from the lack of punctuation.
Although I can understand the appeal of wanting to blame the world's troubles and mindboggling idiocy on an evil race of aliens, I'm afraid I can't support you on this one, SpaceMan.
The folks in charge may not be aliens, but they're certainly operating from their reptilian brains. What I believe you're witnessing and trying to come to grips with, Nakedeye, is the primitive character demonstrated by the leaders of the political, corporate and financial worlds. What I'm trying to say is that these folks aren't very highly evolved. If you strip away all the pomp and circumstance you'll find that most of their decisions are driven by barbaric desires - greed, power, status and sex.
Every thought, every feeling, every impulse you've collectively had . . . every decision, every action, every plan you've collectively made, since the beginning of time, has led the human race to where it is right now: The intersection of "Happy Meal Boulevard" and "Apathy Drive" in downtown Batshit. Population: 6.7 billion (Just south of the Mall of America).
The good news is that only 80 percent of the human race falls into the 'not very evolved' category. And I think it's safe to say that those falling into this category are most definitely not fans of Just Ask Steve. My readers are not only more evolved, but are also very intelligent and attractive.
Thanks for your question Nakedeye !
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Monday, October 18, 2010
Question #31: Who should I vote for?
MarteeGee's question: Hey Steve, I don't know who to vote for in the coming election. Any suggestions?
Current mood: current
I'm so glad you asked MarteeGee. Although I think voting is akin to taking a pill that can increase the size of your penis, I would like to put aside my skepticism and apolitical leanings to endorse my good friend Mookie.
Mookie Salmon
Party affiliation: Trojans
Office sought: King
Platform:
Current mood: current
I'm so glad you asked MarteeGee. Although I think voting is akin to taking a pill that can increase the size of your penis, I would like to put aside my skepticism and apolitical leanings to endorse my good friend Mookie.
Mookie Salmon
Party affiliation: Trojans
Office sought: King
Platform:
- A free box of crayons and a cannoli for every citizen
- Change the work week to Monday - Tuesday
- No more country music!
- Economy: Replace the dollar with colored paper clips
- Healthcare: Allow only really attractive people into dental school in order to make going to the dentist more pleasant; Eliminate insurance companies
- Education: Replace algebra with canoe building
Vote for Mookie
"He'll make you feel good"
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Step One: When creating a new religion start with Commandments
Current mood: inane
It seemed fitting to start my soon-to-be-named religion with some well-thought out directives. This is what I've come up with so far:
1. I am Lord of the Dance - Do not worship me, but feel free to admire my dance moves
2. Worshipping gods who have written books is frowned upon and makes you come across as dim
3. On the Seventh Day you shall eat Free Chicken Wings
4. Thou shalt not be a dick.
5. Understand this: Most people are full of shit (even you)
6. Use of the words "irregardless" and "utilize" is strictly forbidden. (Irregardless is actually not a word and utilize is a pretentious way of saying 'use')
7. Have some balls - heal yourself
8. Rather than kill, thou shalt express disappointment in, or under certain circumstances bitch slap, those you find offensive or threatening
9. Don't take stuff that's not yours (please see #4)
10. Don't give your power to anyone else. And whatever you do . . . .
11. Thou shalt not obey anyone's commandments (However, feel free to borrow from the above list of suggestions if you find the ideas appealing)
I, the Lord of The Dance, give you my 11 Suggestions for Living an Honorable Life
It seemed fitting to start my soon-to-be-named religion with some well-thought out directives. This is what I've come up with so far:
1. I am Lord of the Dance - Do not worship me, but feel free to admire my dance moves
2. Worshipping gods who have written books is frowned upon and makes you come across as dim
3. On the Seventh Day you shall eat Free Chicken Wings
4. Thou shalt not be a dick.
5. Understand this: Most people are full of shit (even you)
6. Use of the words "irregardless" and "utilize" is strictly forbidden. (Irregardless is actually not a word and utilize is a pretentious way of saying 'use')
7. Have some balls - heal yourself
8. Rather than kill, thou shalt express disappointment in, or under certain circumstances bitch slap, those you find offensive or threatening
9. Don't take stuff that's not yours (please see #4)
10. Don't give your power to anyone else. And whatever you do . . . .
11. Thou shalt not obey anyone's commandments (However, feel free to borrow from the above list of suggestions if you find the ideas appealing)
I, the Lord of The Dance, give you my 11 Suggestions for Living an Honorable Life
Monday, October 4, 2010
Steve Interviews Scooter the Clown
Current mood: Bamboozled
Steve the Raven: Seventy-four years in the circus! That’s impressive.
Scooter the Clown: Impressive, my ass. I hated the fucking circus. All those whiny snot-nosed kids screeching at me with their hateful little voices, “Do it again, Scooter. Do it again, Scooter.” And then there were the ones who’d run screaming from me, “Get the devil clown away from me. Get him away.”
STR: Yeah, I could see how 74 years of dealing with kids could get old. What do you miss most about being alive?
Scooter: Nothing.
STR: Seriously? There’s not one thing you miss?
Scooter: No, I’m glad I’m dead. Didn’t come soon enough if you ask me.
STR: Sex? Ice cream?
Scooter: You’re not going to let this go, are you? Okay, if you’re going to make me pick one thing I’d say I miss sleeping. All I knew was the circus and circus life was like prison to me.
STR: Why did you stay in the circus so long if you hated it so much?
Scooter: It might be because most businesses don’t need an expert juggler.
STR: You must have done more than just juggle?
Scooter: Sure, I also taught tiny dogs and monkeys how to juggle. Oh, and I shoveled quite a bit of shit too. That was fun.
STR: What do you say to people who find clowns frightening?
Scooter: I say ‘Fuck you.’ That’s what I say.
STR: So is being dead better? You're pretty angry for a dead clown.
Scooter: Fuck you bird. You don’t know me.
STR: I’m just saying that it seems like being away from your miserable life would lighten your mood a bit.
Scooter: Ever since I took my last breath, there’s been these annoyingly bright ghosty-types who keep comin’ around trying to get me to go with them. And I’m like, ‘Fuck you spirits.’ I think they want me to join a cult.
STR: No, I think they actually want to take you home.
Scooter: Nice try, Slick. For all I know you’re one of them. You cult-loving freak.
STR: Personally, I could care less if you stay here or not.
Scooter: Don’t fuck with me. I’ll punch you.
STR: I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking you this, but do you have any words of wisdom for the living?
Scooter: No.
STR: Brilliant.
Scooter: Nobody helped me out so why should I help them?
STR: Fair enough Scooter. Thanks for your time and don’t drink the kool-aid.
*** ONE WEEK LEFT . . . Don’t forget to cast your vote !! (see last week’s post)
In this month’s Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I interview Scooter the Clown. Scooter spent an impressive 74 years with the circus when he was alive. Much of that time was spent on the road with Bob Sprankle’s Traveling Menagerie.
Steve the Raven: Seventy-four years in the circus! That’s impressive.
Scooter the Clown: Impressive, my ass. I hated the fucking circus. All those whiny snot-nosed kids screeching at me with their hateful little voices, “Do it again, Scooter. Do it again, Scooter.” And then there were the ones who’d run screaming from me, “Get the devil clown away from me. Get him away.”
STR: Yeah, I could see how 74 years of dealing with kids could get old. What do you miss most about being alive?
Scooter: Nothing.
STR: Seriously? There’s not one thing you miss?
Scooter: No, I’m glad I’m dead. Didn’t come soon enough if you ask me.
STR: Sex? Ice cream?
Scooter: You’re not going to let this go, are you? Okay, if you’re going to make me pick one thing I’d say I miss sleeping. All I knew was the circus and circus life was like prison to me.
STR: Why did you stay in the circus so long if you hated it so much?
Scooter: It might be because most businesses don’t need an expert juggler.
STR: You must have done more than just juggle?
Scooter: Sure, I also taught tiny dogs and monkeys how to juggle. Oh, and I shoveled quite a bit of shit too. That was fun.
STR: What do you say to people who find clowns frightening?
Scooter: I say ‘Fuck you.’ That’s what I say.
STR: So is being dead better? You're pretty angry for a dead clown.
Scooter: Fuck you bird. You don’t know me.
STR: I’m just saying that it seems like being away from your miserable life would lighten your mood a bit.
Scooter: Ever since I took my last breath, there’s been these annoyingly bright ghosty-types who keep comin’ around trying to get me to go with them. And I’m like, ‘Fuck you spirits.’ I think they want me to join a cult.
STR: No, I think they actually want to take you home.
Scooter: Nice try, Slick. For all I know you’re one of them. You cult-loving freak.
STR: Personally, I could care less if you stay here or not.
Scooter: Don’t fuck with me. I’ll punch you.
STR: I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking you this, but do you have any words of wisdom for the living?
Scooter: No.
STR: Brilliant.
Scooter: Nobody helped me out so why should I help them?
STR: Fair enough Scooter. Thanks for your time and don’t drink the kool-aid.
*** ONE WEEK LEFT . . . Don’t forget to cast your vote !! (see last week’s post)
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