Question #26: Understanding the Human Race

Boss' question: I've long regarded humans as inept. Do you have any theories as to why humans behave the way they do?

Current mood: pretty

Growing pains, Boss my friend. Humans are growing up. The way I see it, the human race is currently the developmental equivalent of adolescents. For tens of thousands of years humans have been slowly evolving their identity as a race.

At the risk of oversimplifying this process . . . here's my take on the stages of the human race's development:

INFANCY (hunter-gatherer period) = strong connection to mom (earth) and dad (sun)

CHILDHOOD = I call this the "oh shit" era. Armed with limited perception and faced with the horrors of the world such as death, illness and catastrophic events, a youthful human race attempted to combat its fears by inventing an all powerful being who lives in a celestial kingdom and punishes those who are bad and rewards those who are good. Religion gave humans the illusion of control in a world that could be cruel.

PRE-ADOLESCENCE = The school of hard knocks led to the development of reasoning skills. Science is born ("Congratulations, it's a paramecium!"). During this period, Western culture began to hungrily investigate the material world in an attempt to figure out "how shit works." Westerners dumped god for a petri dish. God got pissed and went back to dating children (see previous developmental stage)

ADOLESCENCE = What I like to refer to as the "who gives a shit" period.
Common traits during this developmental stage include:

• Logic and reason reign supreme while magical thinking is rejected (Darwinism + Neo-Darwinism)
• Disrespectful attitude towards parents, especially mom (Deforestation, toxic waste, poison water, etc.)
• Sense of entitlement (Visa/MasterCard)
• Manipulative behaviour (Monsanto)
• Rigid thinking (oil dependence)
• Feelings of invincibility (US Congress)
• Obsession with appearance (Miami)
• Importance of acceptance (Facebook)
• Poor concept of cause and effect (plastic surgery)
• Self gratification (Wall Street)
• Lack of humility (Mel Gibson)
• Demands for freedom without responsibility (rednecks)
• Self importance (Fox News)
• Identifying with social groups/cliques (conservatives vs. liberals)

Meanwhile, mom and dad are just shaking their heads praying for the day that you turn 18 and move out.

What are your thoughts on what the next phase of the human race's development will be? Send me an email  stevetheraven@tds.net or share your comments below

Question #25: How to win over a woman

Danny's question: steve, there's a woman at work i really like. how do i get her to notice me?

Current mood: Ethiopian

Buy a lottery ticket Danny, my friend, because today's your lucky day. Romantic advice just happens to be my specialty.

Below I've outlined a few things you can do that will most definitely get you noticed.

Setting the stage
Since first impressions are everything it's vital that you dress appropriately. Women love when men wear hats and necklaces.

Bonus Tip:  If you want to be especially elegant wear a cape. Chicks dig capes.


Communicate your feelings
Create a romantic symbol using your favourite produce. This will let her know exactly how you feel and can also serve as a light snack. I like to use peas.

 

The gift of YOU
Send her home with a mix tape. Putting together a memorable collection of songs is the perfect way to let your special lady know you've thought a lot about her. Plus you can convey a great deal about yourself and what's important to you in a relationship. This is also a safe way to show your sensitive side. Based on my research and observations of the human male, I've put together a sample track list to help you get started.

Lineman for the County - Glen Campbell

I Was Made for Dancin'- Leif Garrett

Vagina Mine - Puscifer

Be Sweet - Afghan Whigs

Stinkfist - Tool

Anything by George Michael

Let's Get Blown - Snoop Dogg

You're Having My Baby - Paul Anka

Good luck Danny boy!

Coming soon . . . The keys to a successful first date!

Steve the Raven's Guide to the Top 5 Vacation Destinations of 2010

Current mood: stagnant

It's vacation time ! To make your vacation plans easy, I've provided a comprehensive list of amazing vacation experiences that are guaranteed to make you feel proud to be a member of the human race!


#5. Creationist Museum: Bring the bible to life! Located in lovely Petersburg, Kentucky, the Creationist Museum is like taking a time machine back to the biblical era. Find out how natural selection is different from evolution, learn how man befriended the mighty dinosaur and visit the site where Noah's arc was made! The fun doesn't stop there . . . Later this month creationist pioneer Dr Larry Parker will present a lecture about viruses and immunity. He will address the question "Why would a loving and all powerful god create viruses and germs?" Great fucking question Larry! Remember the Creationist Museum motto: 'Leave yer brain at the gate!'

#4. Dollywood: No top 5 vacation list would be complete without including Dolly Parton's famous Tennessee theme park Dollywood! A classic American family attraction that includes fun rides like 'Blazing Fury' where you get to experience what it's like to be burned alive! Have your camera ready for the 'Piggy Parade.' You'll be amazed as hundreds of obese Americans make the trek from the corndog stand to the funnel cake stand and back again. And don't miss the Parade's grand finale as the Piggies mainline vats of Granny Ogle's Ham 'n' Beans under a backdrop of spectacular fireworks.

#3. All I can say is Kentucky is the place to go for amazing museum experiences! Not only is Kentucky the home of our #5 destination, the Creationist Museum, but down the road in Fort Mitchell you can visit the Vent Haven Ventriloquist Museum. After looking at 700 ventriloquist dolls you'll be convinced that god hates humans. A great stop if you have friends or family members diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

#2. Visit the Gulf Coast!  Not only will you be able to start your soon-to-be immensely valuable tar ball collection, but you'll see how extinction works.

And finally, this year's number #1 vacation attraction:
Plastic Island!!

Located in a remote region of the breathtaking Pacific Ocean, this newly discovered toxic paradise of floating garbage will be the hottest destination this summer. Plastic Island, boasting 97 million decadent pounds of trash, has much to offer - not only will you drown in its beauty, but you'll see exotic plastics from around the world. And you also might just find out the answer to the age old question: Does Velveeta float? (Free bottled water provided)

Question #24: Afraid to go to hell?

RecoveringCatholicMan's question: Dear Steve the Raven, I'm getting on in years and wanted to ask your advice about what comes next. More specifically, I want to make sure I don't end up in hell. I'm 90% sure there is not a hell, but I thought I'd ask you just in case. Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Current mood: toothy

Excellent question RCMan, my friend ! I have a sneaking suspicion that you're not the only human afraid of the possibility of hell. Fortunately, I have an answer that's guaranteed to make your death experience as satisfying as picking dried scabs off your scalp.
There are precisely two ways to ensure that your immortal soul does not end up in the blistering bowels of hell slinging hash for Satan.

1. Drink your own urine.

Everyone is always surprised to learn that urine is naturally flame retardant. If you've led a particularly unsavory life ask a few friends and family members if you can drink their urine too. Unless, of course, they're also trying to stay out of hell and don't want to part with their urine. In which case I'd suggest placing an ad on Craig's List. Here's a sample ad you can use:

Wanted: Atheist's Urine

Former guilt-ridden and brainwashed Catholic looking to consume urine in order to stay out of hell.

Must be local.

** Bonus tip#1: God will give you extra points if you're willing to drink the urine of someone who has a urinary tract infection.

2. Get a lobotomy.

To prevent going to hell, I suggest brain damage. The truth is RCMan, hell is not a place in the spirit world you go to when you die. Hell is a state of mind (and/or the state of New Jersey). There's nothing more hellish than living with poisonous thoughts and emotions. Not only are you no fun at cocktail parties, but you end up not enjoying your life while you're living it. And if you ask me, that's a big fucking waste of a life. You want to stay out of hell? Heal yourself.

** Bonus tip#2: I'll bet you're wondering if Satan is real? You bet he is! Satan is the 'master of deception.' So that means that anyone who's ever told you that there is a hell is Satan. That also means you can refer to politicians, lawyers and members of mainstream newsmedia - with the exception of Jon Stewart - as Satan as well.

I hope my response puts you at ease RCMan !

Send your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net