Monday, May 31, 2010

Question #21: How to Overcome Depression

Current mood: maple

Darlene's question: Dear Steve, I've been depressed for most of my life. How do you overcome depression?

I have two words for you, Darlene, my friend: tiny rats.

I'll bet you're curious how tiny rats can pull you out of your depression. Here's what you need you to do:

1. After purchasing a handful of tiny rats, don't feed them for a week. Let them get good and hungry.

2. When you're ready, take off your shoes and socks and set the rats free.

3. You'll notice that the rats start hungrily eating the flesh on your feet. You'll also begin to notice that your focus shifts to the increasing pain in your feet. This is where the tiny rats really work their magic!

Since chronic depression is a problem that stems from the habit of negative thinking, with a particular emphasis on the past (i.e., asking yourself questions like "why did this happen to me?" or "what if I'd done xyz instead?") and deeply ingrained self-defeating belief systems (i.e., "nothing ever goes my way," "I'm not good enough," etc.), the tiny rats bring your focus to the moment at hand. That's where you want your focus to be! (cue: Oprah's audience) At the risk of getting all Eckhart Tolle on you, NOW is the only thing that exists. (Oprah points and excitedly yells to individuals in her audience, "You get a tiny rat! You get a tiny rat! Everybody gets tiny rats!")

4. After several days, your depression treatment will be complete.


How do you spell relief? That's right, tiny rats !

***Please note: This treatment is not recommended for people with anxiety

Email your questions to SteveTheRaven@tds.net

Sunday, May 23, 2010

How to Use Your New Prayer Rug !

Current mood: consecrated


Instructions for using your New Prayer Rug

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Place your New Prayer Rug at one end of a long hallway

3. Invite a friend over to videotape you using your New Prayer Rug

4. Put on your favorite leotard

5. Generously grease both your knees with vegetable oil and/or mayonnaise (DO NOT use Baconnaise unless you're okay with not having your prayers answered and offending Jesus)

6. Place your left foot behind your right ear, as if it were a pencil you didn't need at the moment

7. Place your right foot behind your left ear, as if you had a second unneeded pencil

8. In your loudest Ethel Merman voice sing to Jesus. Tell Jesus how much you love him, especially his eyes.

9. Feel the holy spirit fill you. (Hint: It should feel a little like gas and a little like your skin is on fire, but very relaxing). If you do not feel precisely this way, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.

10. At the opposite end of the hallway while facing your New Prayer Rug, let the holy spirit use your body to perform a spectacular dance. One that makes you feel like a woman in a little girl's body.

11. Now, with open arms, run to your messiah. After three running steps fall to your knees and slide toward your saviour in a James Brown manner. (Please note: If the hallway you're using is carpeted be sure and turn your head to the side to prevent breaking your nose.)

12. As you come to a stop yell, "Thank you Jesus!"

13. Will your prayers come true? If you land precisely 5 6/32 inches away from your New Prayer Rug, congratulations! Jesus will answer your prayers. If not, Jesus doesn't love you and will not answer your prayers.

Fall back option: If for some reason, your attempt to use your New Prayer Rug fails just send a check for $599 to the 'I Let Jesus Down' Fund. The folks there will ensure that Jesus answers your prayers in 26 business days.

14. Have your friend post your New Prayer Rug experience on YouTube.

Email me with your questions! SteveTheRaven@tds.net

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Common Internet Acronyms

Current mood: manganese

STEVE THE RAVEN'S USEFUL GUIDE TO COMMON INTERNET ACRONYMS (STR's UGTCIA)

LOL: Laughing out loud

WTF: What the fuck

SWD: Smirking with Disdain

IHASIMA: I have a splinter in my anus

MGJF: My grandmother just farted

WOOTP: We're out of toilet paper

MYSKY: Maybe you should kill yourself

YRI2B+IOM: Your rectum is too big and it offends me

SLM: Shrimps Lo Mein

MALLCC: My ass looks like cottage cheese

MNOLY: Maybe no one likes you

MNIWASWS: My nose is whistling a Stevie Wonder song

IPOME+STTU: I'm pulling out my eyelashes and sending them to you

MART: My anus really tingles

URHI2BFYB: Your head is too big for your body

PMMNH: Praying makes my nipples hard

MTRMILF: Monster Truck Rally Mom I'd like to fuck

IBURU: I bet you're ugly

MLASF: My left armpit smells funny

URASMF: You are a Stupid motherfucker

MRKFOOMP: My rectum keeps falling out of my pants

DUHAS?: Do you have a stapler?

FS: Fuck skin

SOS, IC: Help, I'm choking.

JMC: Join my cult!

JN-GFRM: Join now - Get a free rib massage

MPMMNIHP: My priest molested me and now I have polyps

SLT: Saucy Little Tart

DIWAD: Dave, I want a divorce

BIM - MLKFO: Back in a minute - my left kidney fell out

CISSRN: Can't, I'm stalking Susan right now

CS: Canker Sore

HDIF2BSW?: How does it feel to be so wrong?

IHSIMP: I'm hungry so I'm making pancakes

MGRITT: The government is reading my thoughts (Scrambled)

DFU?: Do flies urinate?

JWS: Jesus would swallow

MISOO?: Might I suggest olive oil?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Question #20: Steve's Thoughts on the Oil Spill

Nestor's question: Dear Steve, What are your thoughts on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?

Current mood: slotted

Imagine, if you will Nestor, that you're a voluptuous woman with very large breasts. Maybe you're spending the day at the beach getting some sun. There you are with your eyes closed lying on the warm sand listening to the sound of the waves.

And then from out of nowhere the chunky guy from Passaic wearing the red, white and blue Speedo and hair shirt starts sucking on your breast. Before you can count to 10 there's about 30 people hunched over your prone body sucking on your breasts.

Maybe you tolerate this for a bit. Because it turns out that the sweet elixir your body produces gives people a little more energy while at the same time making them a tad more stupid. People everywhere find that the extra energy allows them to do important things like date-stamp their dog's bowel movements, alphabetize their underwear drawers and knit cozies for their husband's scrotum.

But it reaches a point where it gets out of hand. Not everyone can get a prime breast spot so they start poking the rest of your body with sharp sticks to see if they can harvest more of your milk elsewhere. Grocery shopping becomes a challenge as you try to move down the soup aisle with thousands of people poking at you and sticking straws into your body in order to suck out your precious milk. Eventually the people start getting angry with you when your body doesn't produce - because now they're addicted.

No one ever asked permission. No one ever said, "Hey lady, thanks for the fix!"

Finally your tolerance is gone. In an effort to free yourself from the hungry parasitic milk junkies you shake your body violently. You do this six or seven times. People get hurt. Some die. Stuff gets destroyed. You find that it works for a bit, but sadly they always come back.

They're not getting it.

And then you decide that no one is going to drink your milk anymore. So you purposely let your milk spray out of your body in a dramatic display of waste and lactic destruction . . . all the while screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE."

But no one seems to be listening. Instead, some of the people (aka, the 'save our milk braintrust' special task force headed up by the women's undergarment subcommittee) decide to construct a giant cement bra to contain the oozing milk. An absolutely brilliant idea ! Brilliantly stupid. It's the first time you laugh in months.

And you ask yourself . . . what will it take for these people to get off my tit?

In my opinion, Nestor, it won't be pretty.

Thanks for your question.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Question #19: Why does Steve give Christians a hard time?

Mariah's Question: Steve, I read a few of your entries and was disappointed by your harsh judgment of Christians. Most Christians are good, loving people. Why do you have a problem with Christians?

Current mood: intrepid

You're right, Mariah. I have expressed a particularly harsh view of Christianity. And it's unfair. If I'm to be completely honest, my criticism should include all monotheistic religions, not just Christianity. It's important to be inclusive. So let's throw the Jews and Muslims into the mix as well.

Why so harsh, you ask? That's simple: Religion is dangerous.

Any doctrine that requires its followers to give away their power - to blindly believe in "truths" that are spoon fed rather than discovered for oneself - is absolutely absurd . . . and dare I say 'evil?'

Although I may come across as though I don't like humans very much, I actually have a great deal of hope in humanity. Hence my blog. If I didn't believe in your potential as a species I wouldn't be spending my valuable time writing this blog. Right now, for instance, instead of writing this post I could be looking for shiny things to add to my shiny thing collection.

The truth is, we're all pulling for you. All the non-humans are highly aware of your potential. Watching you fumble through your lives is like watching a terrifically bad and absolutely fascinating reality show. In response to observing this clusterfuck known as the human experience, we find ourselves asking, "Will the humans find the courage to not be spineless pussies and narcissistic cocksuckers?" (foul language = my emphasis)

We're also aware of how challenging it is for humans to live in physical reality. Because, as you know (at least I hope you do), there's potential for great darkness within each one of you.

From my vantage point, religion is a manifestation of this darkness.

The creative, highly evolved inhabitants of non-physical reality (please refer to last week's post) - whom some might call gods - would never tell humans what to do or interfere in the human experience.

You have free will for a reason. Each human gets to decide every moment who he or she wants to be. More specifically, each human gets to decide how he or she wants to relate to other humans, other living creatures and the planet herself. At the risk of sounding too simplistic, you get to decide if you're going to be a dick or if you're going to demonstrate respect for all life.

This means that there is no god 'commanding' you to do anything. No god would ask for adoration, good behaviour, money, vengeance or abstinence. No god would ask you to love thy neighbour, kill thy neighbour, turn the other cheek (i.e., take abuse), eat fish on Fridays, refrain from pleasuring yourself, wear a beanie fastened to your head with bobby pins, make sacrifices, send more money, blow yourself up, or confess your sins.

It's all on you.

Consciously or unconsciously, each one of you gets to decide who and how you love, who and what you adore or take abuse from, etc. Your fake god can't take the credit.

Now, there are some unsavory inhabitants of non-physical reality who appear to reside within the unruly terrain of the human collective unconscious (aka, the spiritual equivalent to North Jersey), which means they are a manifestation of humanity's darkness - a shadowy by-product of thousands of years of human nastiness. God didn't create them, you did. And they're batshit crazy.

These not so highly evolved and powerless god wannabe's would love nothing more than to have legions of humans worship them. This is my understanding of how it works: These manifestations of human darkness creep into the minds of humans, and like parasites, latch on to base human desires like greed, power, fame and control and feed them until . . . a prophet is born.

Religious devotees have been deceived. It's all bullshit. And it's dangerous.

Can I get an amen?

Here's what I wonder when I'm flying around looking for road kill: What if each of you decided to not let another human or a book tell you what to believe and how to live? What if your motivation to be a good person wasn't to get into heaven and/or score some virgins, but was just because it feels good and is a nice way to be? What would happen if you took your power back?

And then I snap out my dreamy little godless world and realize that I'm probably going to have to hire another body guard.