The Steve Collection: Jesus-inspired fashion

Current mood: gay

"And Jesus said unto his flock, 'For it is important that your garments demonstrate who thou art in the eyes of the Lord. I suggest using yards and yards of pink fabric and maybe some velcro. And I command thee to make it work or thou shalt be condemned to cleaning up Courtney Love's vomit for all of eternity, which is a very, very long time.'" Matthew 36:24:36

Question #17: Do birds fart?

Sam’s question: Hi Steve. I'm curious . . . Do birds fart?

Current mood: oxymoronic

Yes, Sam, birds fart. Where do you think clouds come from?

Thanks for your question ! Email me with your question stevetheraven@tds.net

Question #16: How to stop being 'unpleasant'

Woodguy's question: How do I not be a shithead?

Current mood: extravagant

That's a hell of a question Woodguy. The good news is . . . admitting you're a shithead is the first step.

The next step requires measuring tape.

Step 2: Measure the circumference of your skull.

•  If your skull is large and bulbous (24" or greater) you'll need a shoe horn and the help of a friend or close family member.
•  For a narrow, more oblong skull (8" to 23.5"), you'll need some twine and a door with a round metal doorknob.

Step 3: Using the above-referenced tools, gently pull your head out of your ass.

Step 4: Take a shower using soap and water.

My hope, Woodguy, is that shitheads everywhere will benefit from the braveness of your humility.

Let me know how it goes !

Send your question to stevetheraven@tds.net

Question #15: Why don't scarecrows scare crows?

HeyJay's question: Steve, I'm curious why scarecrows don't actually seem to scare crows away?

Current mood: rubbery

That's an easy one HeyJay . . . scarecrows aren't terribly scary to crows (or any member of the Corvid family, for that matter). It would appear as though gardener/farmer-types are basing their scarecrow-making tactics on the assumption that Corvids are afraid of humans. So they construct "fake humans" (very life-like I might add) and crucify them in the middle of their fields (think: Jesus wearing a hat) in an effort to deter us from eating their crops.

Helpful hint #1: We'd be much more interested in eating a "real human" crucified in the middle of your field than any crops you might be growing - especially if it's been sitting out in the sun for awhile.

This might be hard for you to imagine, my human friends, but animals simply don't have a sense of ownership of the food growing on the Earth regardless of whether it's growing in the wild or in neat little rows outside of your house. Though if food is in short supply I have seen things get ugly regardless of the species involved.

Helpful hint #2: Perhaps if you leave an offering of food out for your black feathered friends you'd find that we're less of a nuisance.

We may not be afraid of humans, but we're certainly afraid of many of the things that you create. If you really want to scare us away my suggestion would be to place stereo speakers in your field or garden and play, at a very loud volume, a mix of country music (preferably songs that rhyme 'blue jeans' with 'baked beans') and anything by Kenny G.

Thanks for your question HeyJay.

Email me with your question stevetheraven@tds.net

Dangerous Times for Steve

Current mood: saucy

Dear 28 friends who read my blog,

My goal is to connect with you all on at least a weekly basis. So please accept my sincere apology for the recent gap in communication. The truth is I've received some death threats. It appears I've pissed some humans off with my brutally honest assessment of these challenging times. Here's one example of how a recent conversation with a disturbed fellow (aka, dumb fuck) I met while picking at garbage in the parking lot of the local Walmart went:

Disburbed Fellow: You gotta lot of nerve asshole.

Steve The Raven: Indeed.

DF: (glaring down at STR somewhat agitated)

STR: Do you have a question you’d like me to answer?

DF: (squints eyes a little more and leans toward STR in a threatening way)

STR: (grooms under left wing)

DF: I think yer the devil.

STR: That’s silly.

DF: The devil would say that.

STR: (rolls eyes)

DF: I think you gotta die. You can’t be spreadin’ all that devil worship propergander around. Jesus weren’t no tambourine player.

(Please refer to my 1/24/10 post: Did Jesus really exist?)

STR: How do you know?

DF: (wringing hands) Cuz I do. It weren’t in the bible. No tambourines were in the bible. Not a one.

STR: That makes sense.

DF: Yer really pissin’ me off.

STR: What about my right to freedom of speech?

DF: I think yer freedom of speech is trumpeted by my freedom to bear arms (Pulls out handgun from inside jacket)

STR: You mean to tell me you put off teabagging your wife to give me shit about a tambourine? (flies away avoiding bullets)

DF: (Yells) I’ll find you.

Inspired by this and other inane exchanges I've had as of late I decided it was high time to hire some body guards. Pictured below, please meet Knuckles the Poncho-Wearing Chimp and his kids Jane and Woody (left) and my old, dear friend Deathray Pete (right).

 
Email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net

Question #14: What kind of car does Steve drive?

Doodlesquat’s question: Hey Steve, what kind of car do you drive?

Current mood: Sweaty

Your parents must be proud, Doodlesquat. (That’s quite a name, by the way). In order to honor my original invitation for readers to submit ANY question whatsoever I will gladly respond to your query Doodlesquat, my friend. However, let me note that questions like yours make me seriously doubt the fate of the human race.

Here’s the answer to your question: I drive a Dodge Euramoron.

Perhaps I'll thank you for your question another time.

Question #13: How to manage anger

MoonshineTed's question: Hi Steve, How do I stop being so angry?

Current mood: Orange

Great question, MoonshineTed. Overcoming anger is easy and fun!

Here's what I suggest:

Step One = Gather the following items: One large pinecone, one can of skinless and boneless sardines (or 17 large marshmallows), four toothpicks, some pebbles and a plastic green mardi gras bead necklace.

Step Two = Depending on the depth of anger, spend some time feeling bad for yourself using the following scale (Slightly angry = 3 minutes; pretty angry = 5 minutes; very angry = 7 minutes)

Step Three =  Accept that not everything goes the way you want it to.

Step Four = Using the items pictured above, sculpt your pinecone into the face of a famous person. Pick someone you really admire. I chose Nipsy Russell.

I don't know about you Moonshine Ted, but I feel great!

Send me photos of your angry pinecone art project. Email them to stevetheraven@tds.net