Sunday, June 27, 2010
Steve Interviews Ludwig van Beethoven
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Sunday, June 20, 2010
Question #23: What to do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door
David's question: Dear Steve, What should I do when Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door?
Current mood: trite
I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)
1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.
2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.
3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."
4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."
GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO
1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"
2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."
3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"
4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"
5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"
6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."
7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"
7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"
8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"
9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"
10. "I find you both really attractive."
Current mood: trite
I'm glad you asked David. Your timing is perfect. I just finished writing 'Steve the Raven's Useful Guide to Highly Successful Interactions with Jehovah's Witnesses.' If you follow these suggestions exactly as written you're guaranteed to have an excellent exhange:
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GREET YOUR JW VISITORS
(Helpful tip: When having any exchange with a JW be sure to blink your eyes rapidly)
1. Answer the door naked or in the process of taking off your clothes.
2. Don't look any of them in the eye. Instead, stare at each JW's left nostril.
3. When you open the door look really happy to see them and say, "Hey great! I'm glad you guys are here. I could use your help putting some ointment on my grandmother's genitals. Come on in . . ."
4. "I've been expecting you. Satan told me you'd be coming today."
GENERAL SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS JW'S ENJOY RESPONDING TO
1. "That Joseph Smith was a genius. (To the man:) So how many wives do you have?"
2. "I know that the bible says that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, but casual gay sex is okay, right? I mean it's totally different."
3. "Do you believe in the Heimlich Maneuver?"
4. "Do you think Jesus can save me from the aliens who control my thoughts through the implants they put in my elbows?"
5. "I have a scar that looks exactly like Brigham Young. Would you like to see it?"
6. "I actually know a lot about biblical history. I've seen every episode of The Flintstones."
7. "Since you don't celebrate birthdays, does that mean you don't exist?"
7.5 "Since the lord is your shepherd and you're obviously his sheep, does eating lamb make you a cannibal?"
8. "If Jesus and Ghandi got into a fist fight, who do you think would win?"
9. "Who do I have to blow to be one of the 144,000 that will actually make it into heaven and rule the earth with Jesus after Armageddon?"
10. "I find you both really attractive."
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Conversation with an Angry Tea Bagger
Current mood: slick
It seems I've ruffled some feathers once again (no pun intended). Last week's post resulted in the following internet chat exchange with a passionate patriot:
Freedom Fighter: UR a communist pig
Steve the Raven: Wrong on both accounts, my freedom fighting friend. I'm actually an apolitical bird.
FF: You can't write the kind of BS you wrote on that blog of yours last week and not be a communist.
STR: Sure, I can. I can both write my blog and not be a communist.
FF: How dare you disrespect the founding fathers of the United States of America.
STR: Unfortunately your warning comes too late. I've already done it. Would you like a copy of my new book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality when it comes out as a consolation?
FF: It's people like you-
STR: I'm a bird
FF: - who want to throw away the freedom that this great country of ours was founded on
STR: Have you considered the possibility that you don't know what you're talking about?
FF: UR on drugs
STR: 'Your' country was founded on greed, not freedom. Quite a few of the founding fathers were wealthy slave owners. Hmmm . . . I wonder how free the Africans and the Indians felt at the time?
FF: It's because of the Founding Fathers that I'm living the American Dream and so are you!!!
STR: Ah, yes the American dream. The pursuit of happiness.
FF: You got it!
STR: How much debt do you have?
FF: What does that have to do with anything?
STR: Debt = the "new" slavery
FF: WTF?
STR: Allow me to illustrate using a very precise mathematical formula I created.
Middle Income American Dream:
Birth + Student loan(s) + Loan for SUV + Mortgage + equity line of credit + credit card (fuel to run your SUV + weekly tanning bed sessions + annual trip to Cabo + monthly subscription to the 'She-Males Gone Wild' website) + second mortgage - Illusion of Freedom ÷ you're screwed = the "new" slavery
Low Income American Dream:
Birth = you're screwed
High Income American Dream:
Middle Class America's pursuit of happiness + illegal aliens' pursuit of happiness (+ strong work ethic) = guaranteed happiness for wealthy Americans + meticulously landscaped lawns
FF: Everyone has the same opportunity to be successful
STR: Is it considered incest if Uncle Sam is your pimp?
FF: prick
STR: What do you say we sing a song to celebrate your freedom?! I'll start and you can join in whenever you like . . ."Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Coming for to carry me home . . ."
It seems I've ruffled some feathers once again (no pun intended). Last week's post resulted in the following internet chat exchange with a passionate patriot:
Freedom Fighter: UR a communist pig
Steve the Raven: Wrong on both accounts, my freedom fighting friend. I'm actually an apolitical bird.
FF: You can't write the kind of BS you wrote on that blog of yours last week and not be a communist.
STR: Sure, I can. I can both write my blog and not be a communist.
FF: How dare you disrespect the founding fathers of the United States of America.
STR: Unfortunately your warning comes too late. I've already done it. Would you like a copy of my new book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality when it comes out as a consolation?
FF: It's people like you-
STR: I'm a bird
FF: - who want to throw away the freedom that this great country of ours was founded on
STR: Have you considered the possibility that you don't know what you're talking about?
FF: UR on drugs
STR: 'Your' country was founded on greed, not freedom. Quite a few of the founding fathers were wealthy slave owners. Hmmm . . . I wonder how free the Africans and the Indians felt at the time?
FF: It's because of the Founding Fathers that I'm living the American Dream and so are you!!!
STR: Ah, yes the American dream. The pursuit of happiness.
FF: You got it!
STR: How much debt do you have?
FF: What does that have to do with anything?
STR: Debt = the "new" slavery
FF: WTF?
STR: Allow me to illustrate using a very precise mathematical formula I created.
Middle Income American Dream:
Birth + Student loan(s) + Loan for SUV + Mortgage + equity line of credit + credit card (fuel to run your SUV + weekly tanning bed sessions + annual trip to Cabo + monthly subscription to the 'She-Males Gone Wild' website) + second mortgage - Illusion of Freedom ÷ you're screwed = the "new" slavery
Low Income American Dream:
Birth = you're screwed
High Income American Dream:
Middle Class America's pursuit of happiness + illegal aliens' pursuit of happiness (+ strong work ethic) = guaranteed happiness for wealthy Americans + meticulously landscaped lawns
FF: Everyone has the same opportunity to be successful
STR: Is it considered incest if Uncle Sam is your pimp?
FF: prick
STR: What do you say we sing a song to celebrate your freedom?! I'll start and you can join in whenever you like . . ."Swing Low, Sweet Chariot; Coming for to carry me home . . ."
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Question #22: The Tea Party Movement
LittleSamurai's question: Steve, What are your thoughts on the Tea Party movement?
Current mood: kumquat
My dear LittleSamurai, questions like yours inspire me to tell my favourite bedtime story.
Once upon a time there was a faraway land of exquisite beauty and bountiful resources. It was a new world. A veritable paradise rich with possibilities . . .
Upon discovering this wondrous place, legions of fair-skinned people from the old world made the treacherous journey across the great sea armed with only dreams of creating a new kind of empire - a realm where everyone, regardless of their economic status, skin colour, religious beliefs, fashion sense, sexual orientation, musical tastes or political leanings could live in complete freedom.
But the newcomers ran into a slight obstacle when they arrived. There were people already living in this magical place.
No problem.
The newcomers got right to work creating fantastic relationships and communities with the native people. They worked side-by-side sharing ideas and skills and wonderful feasts. However, there was a lot of work to do. So, many of the newcomers invited their black skinned brothers and sisters to the new world to help make their innovative endeavor a great success! On the distant shores of a place called Africa they said, "Come help us black skinned ones! We've got to pave the way for our dreams of prosperity. You see, we have this idea for a chain of fast food restaurants. A wonderful eatery where a friendly and not at all creepy clown with bright red hair and a puffy yellow outfit will serve you a 'happy meal!'" How could the dark skinned people turn down an offer like that? It was truly a magical time.
After many years and many triumphs, a group of very important men gathered with the intention of putting into writing the ideals of this great new nation. When they finished their project they stepped back and shook their heads in amazement. One of the men addressed the group with tears in his eyes. He said, "Gentlemen, this document is truly magnificent. A thing of beauty. I stand before you with a great sense of pride. For this document leads us to believe that we're really a swell group of forward thinkers. On this day I predict that the more we read this document - and really start to believe that it's true - the more we'll find it's okay that our actions don't live up to our ideals."
His voice rose with the excitement of a priest at a boy scout convention, "I believe this document will give us, and generations to come, freedom from internal dissonance. The words we've authored on this extraordinary day will make it okay to be the dicks that we are!"
And a very select few lived happily ever after . . .
(This story was taken from Steve The Raven's soon to be released book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality)
Got a question? stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: kumquat
My dear LittleSamurai, questions like yours inspire me to tell my favourite bedtime story.
Once upon a time there was a faraway land of exquisite beauty and bountiful resources. It was a new world. A veritable paradise rich with possibilities . . .
Upon discovering this wondrous place, legions of fair-skinned people from the old world made the treacherous journey across the great sea armed with only dreams of creating a new kind of empire - a realm where everyone, regardless of their economic status, skin colour, religious beliefs, fashion sense, sexual orientation, musical tastes or political leanings could live in complete freedom.
But the newcomers ran into a slight obstacle when they arrived. There were people already living in this magical place.
No problem.
The newcomers got right to work creating fantastic relationships and communities with the native people. They worked side-by-side sharing ideas and skills and wonderful feasts. However, there was a lot of work to do. So, many of the newcomers invited their black skinned brothers and sisters to the new world to help make their innovative endeavor a great success! On the distant shores of a place called Africa they said, "Come help us black skinned ones! We've got to pave the way for our dreams of prosperity. You see, we have this idea for a chain of fast food restaurants. A wonderful eatery where a friendly and not at all creepy clown with bright red hair and a puffy yellow outfit will serve you a 'happy meal!'" How could the dark skinned people turn down an offer like that? It was truly a magical time.
After many years and many triumphs, a group of very important men gathered with the intention of putting into writing the ideals of this great new nation. When they finished their project they stepped back and shook their heads in amazement. One of the men addressed the group with tears in his eyes. He said, "Gentlemen, this document is truly magnificent. A thing of beauty. I stand before you with a great sense of pride. For this document leads us to believe that we're really a swell group of forward thinkers. On this day I predict that the more we read this document - and really start to believe that it's true - the more we'll find it's okay that our actions don't live up to our ideals."
His voice rose with the excitement of a priest at a boy scout convention, "I believe this document will give us, and generations to come, freedom from internal dissonance. The words we've authored on this extraordinary day will make it okay to be the dicks that we are!"
And a very select few lived happily ever after . . .
(This story was taken from Steve The Raven's soon to be released book Revisionist History: Meaningful tales from the days before homosexuality)
Got a question? stevetheraven@tds.net
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