Question #12: On Overpopulation

Embarrassed to Be Human's question: Dear Steve,  While it seems that it should be clearly obvious (even to a stupid person) that every problem on the planet today would be lessened, or go away completely, if the overpopulation of the human species was dealt with, not only do they just keep making more of themselves like some sort of freakish mammal/virus hybrid but they seem determined to willfully ignore the problem altogether. Any insight? Sincerely, ‘Embarrassed To Be Human’

Current mood: Richard-ish

That’s not very Christian of you, ETBH.

But I’m glad you asked for my input on the problem of human overpopulation. Quite honestly, I don’t get it either. Particularly since, from my non-human vantage point, I’ve observed that you don’t act like you like each other very much, and yet you keep pumping out more humans, I guess, so you can act like you don't like them either. The way I see it, if you can’t work your shit out on a small scale (i.e., your families), what do you think your rate of success is going to be on a larger scale? And still you say, “Hey, you know what the world needs? Another me.”

And so we have 6.5+ billion humans with bad gas and offensive body odor walking around on the planet stinking it up for the rest of us. That’s right, in addition to destroying our planet in too many ways to list here, you collectively smell very bad. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t have a strong sense of smell and enjoys dead things.

I think the issue of overpopulation is complicated, but I’d like to take a stab at making some sense of it. Here’s my two cents regarding the primary cause of overpopulation: Narcissism. You can certainly disagree with me (which would only prove my point), but as a species you seem to have no awareness of the impact your tireless efforts to reproduce yourselves has on our planet and her inhabitants. If you were to really look deeply into this, which would take courage, I’m confident that you’d find that your underlying motivation is nothing short of self gratification. And here’s a prime example: Countless dollars are spent in Western culture on infertility treatments to ensure that people who aren’t biologically able to have kids can have one . . . or eight. Can’t get more narcissistic than that. While I’m being controversial, here’s another example. There are reality shows on the TV celebrating large families. The parents of one of these families claim that having 19 biological kids is god’s will. My guess is that this small army of 21 Christians is marching into third world countries to spread the will of their god to those less fortunate. God bless ‘em. As an aside, none of the gods I know are invested in human procreation.

Now here’s the tricky part: Those who are narcissistic would never admit to it because the primary symptom of narcissism is poor insight/lack of self awareness.

This is truly a dilemma. But have no fear. The beauty of the natural world is that it operates on balance. The problem of overpopulation will be righted either by your own actions and/or by the Mother of us all who, as you know, is definitely not afraid to get out her wooden spoon and set us straight.

Afterwards, I'll meet you in the spirit world with a beer and some dancing girls and we'll come up with a plan for how to do it better the next time.

Question #11: Are Ravens harbingers of death?

Alicia’s question: Is it true, as mythology suggests, that Ravens and Crows are the spirits of the departed and are harbingers of death?


Current mood: ravenous

Well, Alicia, is it fair to assume that the only reason why you’re asking this question is because I’m black? Yes, I think it’s a fair assumption.

But I’ll answer your question, my racist friend. No, it’s not true. The only people who saw us as bad omens and harbingers of death are Europeans. That’s right . . . white folks.

If you were to talk to darker complected native people, you’d find that we’re considered to be harbingers of magic who split time between the physical and spiritual worlds. This is much closer to the truth.

Allow me to hop up on my soap box for a moment . . .

Ladies and gentleman, it’s time to stop being afraid of the dark. It’s time for white humans everywhere to put down their bowling balls and embrace their blackness – to be good dancers and excellent athletes.

The next time you see a Raven I encourage you to give him or her a big wave and in your best Sally Field voice yell, “Fuck Edgar Allan Poe!”

Thanks for your question, Alicia.

Question #10: Will the world end in 2012?

Farmboy29's question: Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?

Current mood: Spongy

You may want to grab yourself a snack Farmboy, this could take a while.

I did some empirically sound research on the internet and discovered that the outlook for 2012 is not good. According to experts, the following things are going to happen: the anti-christ will start a nuclear war, the supervolcano under Yellowstone will erupt, an asteroid will hit the Paramus Park Mall in NJ, a massive solar flare will fry the surface of the earth, the black plague will kill all but three people, the Earth's oceans will die, the Illuminati will start a one-world government and imprison the world's citizens in concentration camps, a pole reversal will activate the planet's tectonic plates breaking up land masses like sheets of balsa wood, the world's economies will completely collapse, and there will be an alien take over. The only surviving humans will be John Cusack, Joan Rivers and a guy from Iowa named Teeth Sarcosi.

How's that snack?

Now here's what I think will happen. The Earth's primates, specifically apes, will rise up and revolt against the human species. After making the surviving humans their slaves, the apes will dress in 1970's style tunics, ride horses and start speaking English.

It could happen.

But it probably won't because the apes I know, and I know quite a few, would never want to trade places with humans. No offense. In fact, every single species on this planet, plant and animal, feels the same. I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this yet, but we’re all a little disappointed in you.

But alas, there’s hope. Yesterday, I consulted with Lois, my favorite Raven elder, who helped me better grasp the bigger picture. She explained that deep in the recesses of the human collective unconscious is knowledge about cycles and transitions. She said what’s happening is that one cycle is coming to an end and another is beginning. Maybe you've heard that many indigenous humans are saying the same thing.

The current cycle, which began around 5000 years ago, marked a period of deep slumber for the human species. During this slumber you’ve been dreaming the most magnificent things – things that are complete bullshit. One example that comes to mind, and still makes me giggle, is that most humans believe that an all-powerful male deity, who lives in a cloud, wrote a book. That’s rich. Unfortunately this dream quickly became a nightmare when you started justifying some pretty atrocious behaviour as being the will of your god.

One of the most tragic results of this 5000 year slumber is your disconnect from and ensuing domination of the natural world. A disconnect that is perfectly demonstrated by your need to make every blade of grass the same length. In your sleepwalking dream, you forgot that everything on Earth is alive with spirit and can be communicated with. Everything. If you don’t buy this idea, let me remind you that you’re reading a blog written by a bird.

Grandma Lois told me that humans are waking up from their long slumber. For the really deep sleepers, it appears as though a serious smack down, in the form of a series of catastrophic events including the collapse of all your systems, is in order.

So Farmboy, the world will not end in 2012. I’m happy to report that the new cycle that we’re about to enter will be one of balance – the days of human domination and stupidity are over. I was thinking that it would be fun to make t-shirts to mark this transition. They could say, “Hey, Planet Earth . . . Let’s Be Friends Again! I’m Sorry We Fucked Everything Up. (I made cookies.).”

  

Question #9: On plastic surgery

Daisy's question: Hi Steve. What do you think about plastic surgery?

Current Mood: sleestak-ish

My dearest Daisy,

I believe plastic surgery, of the cosmetic variety, is an excellent option if you're interested in looking like an asshole encasing a fist.

Thanks for writing.

Question #8: Is time speeding up?

Suki's question:  Why does Time seem to be going so fast these days?


Current mood:  Slippers

After giving your question some serious thought Suki, I've come up with the following possible answers to your question:

A. You're delusional.

B. Humans are in the process of making an evolutionary leap in consciousness - one that will change the way physical reality is experienced and will eventually result in the extinction of  linear time (which was an illusion to begin with).

C. You've been smoking too much pot, which is known to alter the perception of time.

D. You're delusional. 

I hope that helps.

Keep those questions coming stevetheraven@tds.net

Question #7: Chem-trail Protection

Cabindwellers' question: Steve, how do we protect ourselves from the hundreds of chemtrails in the sky above our house?

Current mood: melon

Dear Cabindwellers,

Here's what I suggest -

First, find some tin foil.

And then carefully place the tinfoil on your head: