Question #36: Practical Solutions for Baldness

Roger's question: Hey Steve, I'm going bald. What can I do?

Current mood: puffy

Golly Roger, that sucks. But have no fear, you've come to the right place. I have a few ideas that will make your baldness a thing of the past.

1. The perfect solution: Bring one of your favourite high school photographs to your local tattoo parlour. Choose a photo of yourself that really demonstrates your peak hair experience. Have the artist tattoo your missing hair on to your scalp. This will give those casting eyes upon you the illusion that you have a full head of hair (unless your head starts to sweat thereby creating an unsightly sheen which will give you the appearance of wearing a strangely thin plastic helmet. Simple solution: carry a towel around your neck during warm weather or rigorous workouts and pat your head dry as needed.)

2. A less permanent, earth friendly and unbelievably nutritious solution: Purchase a sack of chia seeds from your local health food store. Mix 1/2 cup of chia seeds with 2 cups of warm water until a thick gelatinous paste is formed. Spread the paste on your scalp and sit in the sun for three days. In no time you'll be sporting a tidy green afro while at the same time becoming your own eco system.

3. Shoestring budget solution: Purchase some yarn and a glue gun.

4. Captain Kirk solution: Staple a beaver to your head.

Please don't staple a beaver to your head, Roger. It's mean spirited and everyone will know you're trying to hide your baldness.

Thanks for your question !

Question #35: Is Steve aware that he's a prick?

DarwinGuy's question: After reading your response to my question last week I was left wondering if you know how much of a condescending prick you are?

Current mood: squishy

Yes, DarwinGuy, I come from a long line of condescending pricks. My mother, for example, is a huge prick and her mother was an even bigger prick than her.

Although I am most definitely my mother's child, it doesn't mean I don't care. To show you how much I care, DarwinGuy, I would like to make you some pancakes. I will put them in the mail tomorrow.

Question #34: Steve's thoughts on atheism

DarwinGuy's question: Steve, what do think about atheism?

Current mood: nautical

Excellent question, DarwinGuy.

In the absence of direct experience of the transpersonal realms (ie, non physical reality), I believe atheism is the most reasonable, intelligent worldview to hold. My understanding of the atheist movement is that these typically large-brained humans are not willing to believe in divinity until they have proof of divinity. That's a lot smarter than adopting a belief system because you 'hope,' or were told, it's true.

As you may know from previous posts I've written, the role of the Raven is to serve as a tour guide, if you will, for those humans - whom you call shamans and we call Phil - who can travel at will with their consciousness from the world of physical reality to the world of non-physical reality. Because of this, the terrain of non-physical reality is quite familiar to me. However, for those of you who have never had a bona-fide experience of non-physical reality (as a kid you most likely had them frequently) it would be foolish of you to believe that it exists simply because I suggest it does. For example, if I were to tell you that right now as you're reading this post that there's a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses floating in the ethers over your right shoulder who's hitting your thick dream head repeatedly with a tennis racket, you'd probably not believe me. Am I right? All I can say is . . . maybe there's a squirrel, maybe there isn't. (There is.)

The reason why you won't know about the squirrel is because you'll only experience what you allow yourself to experience. If you tell yourself that physical reality is all there is, then that's all you'll experience. Your perceptions create (and limit) your reality.

Physical reality explanation of headache: stress

Non-physical reality explanation of headache: a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses is hitting me repeatedly over the head with a tennis racket.

This means that the danger in looking for proof of something is that the lens in which you look through may not be broad enough. It would be akin to trying to understand the group mind a school of fish demonstrates by studying their bowel movements. Finding evidence of something non-physical using the framework of physicality is impossible. Quantum physics is starting to unlock and reveal the mysterious nature of non-physical reality because the quantum lens spans beyond the physical.

However,

Spoiler alert: Quantum physics or not, for those of you looking for proof of god, you won't find it. That's because there is no god. If you're open to experiencing the wonders and mysteries of non-physical reality (available to everyone via altered states of consciousness), you're more likely to encounter a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses than you are the god of monotheistic religions. But don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself.

There you have it DarwinGuy. I hope this was helpful.

Steve Interviews Sigmund Freud

Current mood: supple

This month in Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I chat with the 'father of psychoanalysis' Sigmund Freud.

Steve the Raven: So Sigmund, you've been dead for about 70 years now. What do you miss most about being alive?

Sigmund Freud: (writes some notes on a pad) Interesting question. What makes you ask that particular question?

STR: It's the question I always start these interviews with.

SF: Tell me, what do you feel is missing from your life?

STR: I feel like my life would be complete if you answered my question.

SF: I see. How long have you been feeling this way?

STR: About 30 seconds. I'm not your patient. This is an interview.

SF: Hmmmm. (Writes down the word "denial" and underlines it). Tell me more.

STR: I did a little research before meeting with you and found out that your middle name is Schlomo. Did your parents hate you?

SF: Ah, so you feel your parents hate you?

STR: (rolls eyes)

SF: Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word 'parents.'

STR: Motherfucker.

SF: Interesting.

STR: I thought you'd like that.

SF: Please continue.

STR: Let's see. The next thought that pops into my head is: Schlomo is a motherfucker.

SF: What else?

STR: Penis . . . sausage . . . large . . . crooked . . . hung . . .

SF: Go on.

STR: Jung.

SF: (Grimaces)

STR: (Gasps) I think I realized something.

SF: Yes?

STR: Carl Jung was smarter than you.

SF: (Glaring) You're very disturbed.

STR: You seem upset. Did I upset you some how? Don't go.

SF: I'm afraid our time is up.

STR: I remind you of your mother, don't I? You want to marry me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.

SF: (floats away)

STR: (calling after Sigmund) Come back Schlomo. Come back and sit on mommy's lap.