DiDi's question: Hey Steve - where you been? I've missed your disturbing point of view.
Current mood: MIA
I appreciate your concern, DiDi. One of the following things has prevented me from writing my weekly blog:
A. I was abducted by aliens and am now touring the world with new age conspiracy theorist David Icke
B. After a brief flirtation with opiates, a rather tall and intrusive building jumped in front of me while I was flying home from Atlantic City. After impact I fell into the thankfully over-teased nacho cheese-colored bouffant of a very sexy Drag Queen named Marisa (pronounced Mah-reeza) who happened to be taking a stroll at the time. Lucky me. I suffered a broken wing and a slight brain injury. After detangling myself from Marisa's hair I checked myself into rehab with Dr. Drew and will be appearing with Gary Busey on the next season of VH1's hit reality show Celebrity Rehab.
or
C. I found Jesus.
The answer will be revealed in my next blog entry . . . which may or may not be posted next week.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Question #36: Practical Solutions for Baldness
Roger's question: Hey Steve, I'm going bald. What can I do?
Current mood: puffy
Golly Roger, that sucks. But have no fear, you've come to the right place. I have a few ideas that will make your baldness a thing of the past.
1. The perfect solution: Bring one of your favourite high school photographs to your local tattoo parlour. Choose a photo of yourself that really demonstrates your peak hair experience. Have the artist tattoo your missing hair on to your scalp. This will give those casting eyes upon you the illusion that you have a full head of hair (unless your head starts to sweat thereby creating an unsightly sheen which will give you the appearance of wearing a strangely thin plastic helmet. Simple solution: carry a towel around your neck during warm weather or rigorous workouts and pat your head dry as needed.)
2. A less permanent, earth friendly and unbelievably nutritious solution: Purchase a sack of chia seeds from your local health food store. Mix 1/2 cup of chia seeds with 2 cups of warm water until a thick gelatinous paste is formed. Spread the paste on your scalp and sit in the sun for three days. In no time you'll be sporting a tidy green afro while at the same time becoming your own eco system.
3. Shoestring budget solution: Purchase some yarn and a glue gun.
4. Captain Kirk solution: Staple a beaver to your head.
Please don't staple a beaver to your head, Roger. It's mean spirited and everyone will know you're trying to hide your baldness.
Thanks for your question !
Current mood: puffy
Golly Roger, that sucks. But have no fear, you've come to the right place. I have a few ideas that will make your baldness a thing of the past.
1. The perfect solution: Bring one of your favourite high school photographs to your local tattoo parlour. Choose a photo of yourself that really demonstrates your peak hair experience. Have the artist tattoo your missing hair on to your scalp. This will give those casting eyes upon you the illusion that you have a full head of hair (unless your head starts to sweat thereby creating an unsightly sheen which will give you the appearance of wearing a strangely thin plastic helmet. Simple solution: carry a towel around your neck during warm weather or rigorous workouts and pat your head dry as needed.)
2. A less permanent, earth friendly and unbelievably nutritious solution: Purchase a sack of chia seeds from your local health food store. Mix 1/2 cup of chia seeds with 2 cups of warm water until a thick gelatinous paste is formed. Spread the paste on your scalp and sit in the sun for three days. In no time you'll be sporting a tidy green afro while at the same time becoming your own eco system.
3. Shoestring budget solution: Purchase some yarn and a glue gun.
4. Captain Kirk solution: Staple a beaver to your head.
Thanks for your question !
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Question #35: Is Steve aware that he's a prick?
DarwinGuy's question: After reading your response to my question last week I was left wondering if you know how much of a condescending prick you are?
Current mood: squishy
Yes, DarwinGuy, I come from a long line of condescending pricks. My mother, for example, is a huge prick and her mother was an even bigger prick than her.
Although I am most definitely my mother's child, it doesn't mean I don't care. To show you how much I care, DarwinGuy, I would like to make you some pancakes. I will put them in the mail tomorrow.
Current mood: squishy
Yes, DarwinGuy, I come from a long line of condescending pricks. My mother, for example, is a huge prick and her mother was an even bigger prick than her.
Although I am most definitely my mother's child, it doesn't mean I don't care. To show you how much I care, DarwinGuy, I would like to make you some pancakes. I will put them in the mail tomorrow.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Question #34: Steve's thoughts on atheism
DarwinGuy's question: Steve, what do think about atheism?
Current mood: nautical
Excellent question, DarwinGuy.
In the absence of direct experience of the transpersonal realms (ie, non physical reality), I believe atheism is the most reasonable, intelligent worldview to hold. My understanding of the atheist movement is that these typically large-brained humans are not willing to believe in divinity until they have proof of divinity. That's a lot smarter than adopting a belief system because you 'hope,' or were told, it's true.
As you may know from previous posts I've written, the role of the Raven is to serve as a tour guide, if you will, for those humans - whom you call shamans and we call Phil - who can travel at will with their consciousness from the world of physical reality to the world of non-physical reality. Because of this, the terrain of non-physical reality is quite familiar to me. However, for those of you who have never had a bona-fide experience of non-physical reality (as a kid you most likely had them frequently) it would be foolish of you to believe that it exists simply because I suggest it does. For example, if I were to tell you that right now as you're reading this post that there's a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses floating in the ethers over your right shoulder who's hitting your thick dream head repeatedly with a tennis racket, you'd probably not believe me. Am I right? All I can say is . . . maybe there's a squirrel, maybe there isn't. (There is.)
The reason why you won't know about the squirrel is because you'll only experience what you allow yourself to experience. If you tell yourself that physical reality is all there is, then that's all you'll experience. Your perceptions create (and limit) your reality.
Physical reality explanation of headache: stress
Non-physical reality explanation of headache: a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses is hitting me repeatedly over the head with a tennis racket.
This means that the danger in looking for proof of something is that the lens in which you look through may not be broad enough. It would be akin to trying to understand the group mind a school of fish demonstrates by studying their bowel movements. Finding evidence of something non-physical using the framework of physicality is impossible. Quantum physics is starting to unlock and reveal the mysterious nature of non-physical reality because the quantum lens spans beyond the physical.
However,
Spoiler alert: Quantum physics or not, for those of you looking for proof of god, you won't find it. That's because there is no god. If you're open to experiencing the wonders and mysteries of non-physical reality (available to everyone via altered states of consciousness), you're more likely to encounter a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses than you are the god of monotheistic religions. But don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself.
There you have it DarwinGuy. I hope this was helpful.
Current mood: nautical
Excellent question, DarwinGuy.
In the absence of direct experience of the transpersonal realms (ie, non physical reality), I believe atheism is the most reasonable, intelligent worldview to hold. My understanding of the atheist movement is that these typically large-brained humans are not willing to believe in divinity until they have proof of divinity. That's a lot smarter than adopting a belief system because you 'hope,' or were told, it's true.
As you may know from previous posts I've written, the role of the Raven is to serve as a tour guide, if you will, for those humans - whom you call shamans and we call Phil - who can travel at will with their consciousness from the world of physical reality to the world of non-physical reality. Because of this, the terrain of non-physical reality is quite familiar to me. However, for those of you who have never had a bona-fide experience of non-physical reality (as a kid you most likely had them frequently) it would be foolish of you to believe that it exists simply because I suggest it does. For example, if I were to tell you that right now as you're reading this post that there's a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses floating in the ethers over your right shoulder who's hitting your thick dream head repeatedly with a tennis racket, you'd probably not believe me. Am I right? All I can say is . . . maybe there's a squirrel, maybe there isn't. (There is.)
The reason why you won't know about the squirrel is because you'll only experience what you allow yourself to experience. If you tell yourself that physical reality is all there is, then that's all you'll experience. Your perceptions create (and limit) your reality.
Physical reality explanation of headache: stress
Non-physical reality explanation of headache: a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses is hitting me repeatedly over the head with a tennis racket.
This means that the danger in looking for proof of something is that the lens in which you look through may not be broad enough. It would be akin to trying to understand the group mind a school of fish demonstrates by studying their bowel movements. Finding evidence of something non-physical using the framework of physicality is impossible. Quantum physics is starting to unlock and reveal the mysterious nature of non-physical reality because the quantum lens spans beyond the physical.
However,
Spoiler alert: Quantum physics or not, for those of you looking for proof of god, you won't find it. That's because there is no god. If you're open to experiencing the wonders and mysteries of non-physical reality (available to everyone via altered states of consciousness), you're more likely to encounter a squirrel wearing tiny sunglasses than you are the god of monotheistic religions. But don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself.
There you have it DarwinGuy. I hope this was helpful.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Steve Interviews Sigmund Freud
Current mood: supple
This month in Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I chat with the 'father of psychoanalysis' Sigmund Freud.
Steve the Raven: So Sigmund, you've been dead for about 70 years now. What do you miss most about being alive?
Sigmund Freud: (writes some notes on a pad) Interesting question. What makes you ask that particular question?
STR: It's the question I always start these interviews with.
SF: Tell me, what do you feel is missing from your life?
STR: I feel like my life would be complete if you answered my question.
SF: I see. How long have you been feeling this way?
STR: About 30 seconds. I'm not your patient. This is an interview.
SF: Hmmmm. (Writes down the word "denial" and underlines it). Tell me more.
STR: I did a little research before meeting with you and found out that your middle name is Schlomo. Did your parents hate you?
SF: Ah, so you feel your parents hate you?
STR: (rolls eyes)
SF: Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word 'parents.'
STR: Motherfucker.
SF: Interesting.
STR: I thought you'd like that.
SF: Please continue.
STR: Let's see. The next thought that pops into my head is: Schlomo is a motherfucker.
SF: What else?
STR: Penis . . . sausage . . . large . . . crooked . . . hung . . .
SF: Go on.
STR: Jung.
SF: (Grimaces)
STR: (Gasps) I think I realized something.
SF: Yes?
STR: Carl Jung was smarter than you.
SF: (Glaring) You're very disturbed.
STR: You seem upset. Did I upset you some how? Don't go.
SF: I'm afraid our time is up.
STR: I remind you of your mother, don't I? You want to marry me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.
SF: (floats away)
STR: (calling after Sigmund) Come back Schlomo. Come back and sit on mommy's lap.
This month in Steve the Raven Interviews Dead People, I chat with the 'father of psychoanalysis' Sigmund Freud.
Steve the Raven: So Sigmund, you've been dead for about 70 years now. What do you miss most about being alive?
Sigmund Freud: (writes some notes on a pad) Interesting question. What makes you ask that particular question?
STR: It's the question I always start these interviews with.
SF: Tell me, what do you feel is missing from your life?
STR: I feel like my life would be complete if you answered my question.
SF: I see. How long have you been feeling this way?
STR: About 30 seconds. I'm not your patient. This is an interview.
SF: Hmmmm. (Writes down the word "denial" and underlines it). Tell me more.
STR: I did a little research before meeting with you and found out that your middle name is Schlomo. Did your parents hate you?
SF: Ah, so you feel your parents hate you?
STR: (rolls eyes)
SF: Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word 'parents.'
STR: Motherfucker.
SF: Interesting.
STR: I thought you'd like that.
SF: Please continue.
STR: Let's see. The next thought that pops into my head is: Schlomo is a motherfucker.
SF: What else?
STR: Penis . . . sausage . . . large . . . crooked . . . hung . . .
SF: Go on.
STR: Jung.
SF: (Grimaces)
STR: (Gasps) I think I realized something.
SF: Yes?
STR: Carl Jung was smarter than you.
SF: (Glaring) You're very disturbed.
STR: You seem upset. Did I upset you some how? Don't go.
SF: I'm afraid our time is up.
STR: I remind you of your mother, don't I? You want to marry me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.
SF: (floats away)
STR: (calling after Sigmund) Come back Schlomo. Come back and sit on mommy's lap.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Question #33: Who is Steve going to be for Halloween?
Moonstruck's question: Hey Steve - Who are U going to be 4 Halloween this year?
Current mood: crusty
Current mood: crusty
James Gandolfini
How about you? Post a picture of you in your costume in the comments section below or on the Facebook Just Ask Steve fan page.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Question #32: Have aliens taken over?
Nakedeye's question: i'll get right to the point, can you tell me if the governments of the world are being run by shapeshifting reptilian aliens? my personal theory is that aliens are the cause of all the conflict and that their goal is to make us afraid and then they feed off the fear and get stronger so that they can take over the human race
Current mood: Kenyan
That's quite a question Nakedeye. My brain almost seized from the lack of punctuation.
Although I can understand the appeal of wanting to blame the world's troubles and mindboggling idiocy on an evil race of aliens, I'm afraid I can't support you on this one, SpaceMan.
The folks in charge may not be aliens, but they're certainly operating from their reptilian brains. What I believe you're witnessing and trying to come to grips with, Nakedeye, is the primitive character demonstrated by the leaders of the political, corporate and financial worlds. What I'm trying to say is that these folks aren't very highly evolved. If you strip away all the pomp and circumstance you'll find that most of their decisions are driven by barbaric desires - greed, power, status and sex.
Every thought, every feeling, every impulse you've collectively had . . . every decision, every action, every plan you've collectively made, since the beginning of time, has led the human race to where it is right now: The intersection of "Happy Meal Boulevard" and "Apathy Drive" in downtown Batshit. Population: 6.7 billion (Just south of the Mall of America).
The good news is that only 80 percent of the human race falls into the 'not very evolved' category. And I think it's safe to say that those falling into this category are most definitely not fans of Just Ask Steve. My readers are not only more evolved, but are also very intelligent and attractive.
Thanks for your question Nakedeye !
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
Current mood: Kenyan
That's quite a question Nakedeye. My brain almost seized from the lack of punctuation.
Although I can understand the appeal of wanting to blame the world's troubles and mindboggling idiocy on an evil race of aliens, I'm afraid I can't support you on this one, SpaceMan.
The folks in charge may not be aliens, but they're certainly operating from their reptilian brains. What I believe you're witnessing and trying to come to grips with, Nakedeye, is the primitive character demonstrated by the leaders of the political, corporate and financial worlds. What I'm trying to say is that these folks aren't very highly evolved. If you strip away all the pomp and circumstance you'll find that most of their decisions are driven by barbaric desires - greed, power, status and sex.
Every thought, every feeling, every impulse you've collectively had . . . every decision, every action, every plan you've collectively made, since the beginning of time, has led the human race to where it is right now: The intersection of "Happy Meal Boulevard" and "Apathy Drive" in downtown Batshit. Population: 6.7 billion (Just south of the Mall of America).
The good news is that only 80 percent of the human race falls into the 'not very evolved' category. And I think it's safe to say that those falling into this category are most definitely not fans of Just Ask Steve. My readers are not only more evolved, but are also very intelligent and attractive.
Thanks for your question Nakedeye !
Please email your questions to stevetheraven@tds.net
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