Greetings . . . Allow me to introduce myself. I am Steve the Raven. I like shiny objects, the taste of rotting flesh, and the music of Tool. I'm also known for using off colour language.
You may have heard that corvids are intelligent birds, but what you probably didn't know is just HOW intelligent we are. It's astounding, really. Let me share with you just a few of our accomplishments so that you can begin to grasp the breadth of our influence on this planet. My species, for example, is responsible for Stonehenge, homosexuality and plaid.
I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.
After much deliberation at a recent telephone line gathering in Tulsa, a group of my peers decided that it was time for us to break our silence and 'connect with the homosapiens.' I'm honored that the group nominated yours truly to be a spokesbird, if you will, in an effort to share our vast knowledge and wisdom with all of you.
Why now, you ask? (I can't believe you have to ask). Well, my friends, you're seriously fucking it all up. The things you've collectively done over the centuries truly baffles my mind. It's as if you HAVE NO IDEA. Certainly if you realized how much harm you've done to each other, every other species, and the planet, you'd stop. Right? Absolutely, you'd stop.
But you haven't stopped. In fact, you keep coming up with more stupid ideas. The only logical conclusion I can come to is that you must all be dim. Or asleep. Okay, two conclusions.
Either way, there's nothing to be embarassed about. I'm here to help. I invite you to send in your questions about life, spirituality, philosophy, the nature of reality, small appliances, etc. Let's put an end to this insanity. What do you say? Are you with me?
Send me a question, and quicker than you can shake a magic eight ball, I'll post a response that will fill you with a special kind of glee that can only be experienced upon waking from a wet dream.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
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